[thelma&louise]

I know you're hurt, but please don't cry,
I hope you know I care;
Daddy'll be back real soon,
it's just a couple of days.

I know I said that last time,
but this time please believe in me.
There's things I have to take care of--
then I'll be back again, sweetie.

Come on now, angel, let go of my hand,
they're waiting for me outside.
Of course I love you, more than anything,
I just need you to understand.

Daddy can't help it, being a soldier,
soldiers don't say no.
If there were no soldiers, then honestly,
who'd protect my baby Drew?

Now, now, come on honey,
we'll have no more weeping.
Wipe away those tears now,
and worry about your schooling.

Sharon, go on, take her now,
I really have to go.
And please forgive me, for everything;
including the nights you cried.

Please forgive me, for we both know,
this is eternal goodbye.


-Chris.

[Venomous Vixen]

I would first suggest breaking the chunk into some stanzas.

I know you're hurt, but please don't cry,
I hope you know I care;
Daddy'll be back real soon,
it's just a couple of days.

I know I said that last time,
but this time please believe in me.
There's things I have to take care of--
then I'll be back again, sweetie.

Come on now, angel, let go of my hand,
they're waiting for me outside.
Of course I love you, more than anything,
I just need you to understand.

Daddy can't help it, being a soldier,
soldiers don't say no.
If there were no soldiers, then honestly,
who'd protect my baby Drew?

Now, now, come on honey,
we'll have no more weeping.
Wipe away those tears now,
and worry about your schooling.

Sharon, go on, take her now,
I really have to go.
And please forgive me, for everything;
including the nights you cried.

Please forgive me, for we both know,
this is eternal goodbye.

Also, you may want to add an "an" before "eternal goodbye" to be grammatically correct. Other than that I actually enjoyed the tone this was written in, it was heartfelt and very much the scenario I imagine between a father who has to go serve his country and a child that can not understand. Let me know when you are satisfied, keep up the commenting and I will get this up for you

[thelma&louise]

alright then, thanks for the input.

[Rain]

Wow, this was full of an emotion like no other, and you pulled it off very nicely. Chris, this is why you are a joy to read for me, because you do the things that I enjoy most in reading poetry, and that's why your stuff I look most foward to. Full of emotion, a concept that absolutely is a joy. Great. Punctuation looks good, and capitlization as well.... I loved it. Great job, Chris.

Tay

[thelma&louise]

thanks so much, tay! i was so sure there was loads of stuff wrong with this poem but you got my hopes up...thank you.

[Vorcla]

Wow. Just awesome. Heartbreaking, too. The theme is taut and well-executed. I take it that the last line hints he won't be coming back as well. Nicely done.

[thelma&louise]

Thanks, Rick! You guys give such a good rub to my ego. haha.

[Gurdit]

This poem certianly is heart-breaking (good thing my heart is made of stone now). I really liked that it read so simply. I didn't have to stop and pause and wonder and second-guess and do all sorts of things I normally have to do while reading poetry, which take away from the fun of reading it. There was no muck-up with names, no errors that I could spot... all in all, I don't see why you're so suprised it's in the Advanced Section.

[thelma&louise]

Exactly. The fact that it's so simple, and I wrote it in like five minutes is why I'm surprised it's here. It's amateurish, you know? But thank you all for the kind comments.