[PaulJJ]

Lovers caught in a crime,

"Loved" was once used to rhyme.

A hand your ugly enemy lends,

fear of your old friends.



Angels locked out from your lair.

Devil! Sit, in your chair.

Comets hear the cold, lonely call,

all the stars start to fall.



Dirty hands paid your high toll,

blood filled eyes watched your soul.

Dark statues of the past,

came to shake hands at last.



Hope, a tool for their charade,

they put your weakness on parade.

The master waits for your arrival,

the peasants hope for a revival.



Shadows watched as you ran,

mirrors show a different man.

Hearts once lost have awoken,

the lovers' chains, now broken.




Counting planets that have died,

sweet child, who has cried.

Who's to say who’s wrong or right?

The world turned from the light.



The winter never ends.

[Rakkasan]

Nice job.

In line 7, should there be a comma after "cold" to show that "cold" and "lonely" are successive adjectives describing "call"?

What about in line 13? If "Hope" is being described as a tool, then it ought to have a comma after it as well.

Can you tell me the picture behind the imagery? What motivated this one?

[PaulJJ]

Hi,
Thank you again!

Yeah your right about the commas.

To be honest I'm not sure what motivated this one. The first lines to the draft I had came to me late one night and I ended up putting it down in a note pad and finished it over the next 3-4 weeks.

I believe it had a lot to do with how I was feeling at the time. I had just come out of a relationship with my ex and was very confused of how I felt at the time.

I have trouble explaining my emotions in speech and am not a great talker, often getting words and thoughts mixed up in my head, and my words always seem to come out wrong lol.

Poetry is a huge outlet for me. I can take my time and explain how I feel in a way that I understand and I feel the confusion lift.

Sorry this isn’t helping with actually explaining the imagery behind it, but in a way I guess I did, well to me anyway

It’s more of a personal poem, but I'm hoping that the reader can get something out of it, and find their own meaning in it. I just felt like I had to post it.

[Rakkasan]

It's funny sometimes the way poems are born. No matter what catalyst brings them to be, they often carry a personal meaning to many different readers. I just get curious, and like to hear it from the author's perspective once in awhile.

It's really stunning. You've done well.

[Syrah]

Now. This poem is well written. However, as is with most a.a.b.b. type rhymes... the rhyming becomes a little much at times. My suggestion is to evolve this piece by adding a chorus. This could be a pretty wicked song- lyrically (In my opinion, of course). Just a suggestion. Either way, well written and I'm looking forward to more pieces.

[PaulJJ]

Hey thanks Syrah. Reading it over again, your right about it getting a bit much. Will keep that in mind from now on when im writing. I might send this to Coldplay to see if they can turn it into a song for me :p

[RENA HANDS]

Is this not a possessive…the (lovers’) chains, now broken?

Applaud the imagery and emotions expressed.

My favorite…Devil! Sit, in your chair. (Such boldness to command the master of evil or was it a request)!?

A bit excessive with ‘your,’ but I’m uncertain if that couldn’t be avoided.

I rate 3/5!

[PaulJJ]

Sorry Rena I m not sure what you mean by

Is this not a possessive…the (lovers’) chains, now broken?

Thank you for commenting.

(Such boldness to command the master of evil or was it a request)!?

It was a command. Boldness with a hint of anger aimed at the devil.

3/5 that’s not bad

Thanks again.

[Rakkasan]

Originally Posted by PaulJJ

Sorry Rena I m not sure what you mean by

Is this not a possessive…the (lovers’) chains, now broken?

The chains belong to the lovers. The lovers possess the chains. She's right, it should have the apostrophe at the end of "lovers". If I had been a bit more vigilant, I would have caught that before she did. Oops!

[Lubesh]

Rena rocks lol

I thorughy enjoyed this built from your reason for doing it. Becasue of the word's i didn'tt see that at first, as it left it open with the imagery. Second read showed a sophsitcated take on heartache. I agree about the song bit.....

[PaulJJ]

Thanks Lubesh. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Peppy]

Oooo, I enjoyed this. I loved the imagery. I loved the thought of it. I just loved it. The way I interpretted it was sad. Reall sad. Anywho, I thought the formatting was clean and easy to read - the space you put between the stanzas helped that illustrate that.

Good, read, Paul.

[Vorcla]

Your poetry seems to lend itself to song. As Sy said, put a chorus in there and you have a killer song. Nicely done, either way. Very rhythmic and flowing.

[RENA HANDS]

Rakkasan, TY for clarifying my inquiry. I am just now coming back to this because the title still captures my eyes. Mind too. So TY for explanation to my possessiveness.(little yellow smiley with angel wings and halo above its shining head.)