[Vail]

Asymptomatic, the way I felt for you
Discouraged, the way I first approached you
Mindless lust, the way I first fucked you
Built to last, our relationship was never true

The sweat and tears that left your eye
You said, I said, we both just lied
In each other's embrace, no one would cry
My hand or the road, choose your way to die

Catatonic, the way you felt for me
Unsurprised, the way you first received me
Almost love, the way you first fucked me
Built to last, our relationship was meant to be

The crazy emotions that swirled about
I said, you said, it was all just shouts
Ripped apart by differences, we would both just pout
You left without a word, the easiest way out




-an old one

[Venomous Vixen]

Exciting to see another one of yours up.

The contradiction here was definitely a plus to the atmosphere of the poem. Holding on to something and walking away all at the same time. Agreeing in each others arms (I am guessing the physical aspect of the relationship) and argueing while together (the emotional side).

The way the first and third paragraphs parallel the mind of the man and woman is brilliant. Sadly enough it is generally this way, lust for the man and falling in love for the woman. You captured that, dare I say, perfectly.

Great form here, it all ties in together and makes you want to go back and read it again, like an endless circle. That is something that really intrigues me in poetry.

The kicker, the last line. Nicely done.

I must admit there were some lines that seemed a little forced. I think you do better without the rhymes... but it did not trip me up enough to take away from the overall piece.

Great, as always

[Phonoho]

Asymptomatic

Catatonic

These choices are a bit dry and clinical for my tastes, like tasting vitamins or chemical preservatives on my nice chef salad. Doused with enough dressing it'll be ok, as long as the bread is good. It is.

[loosygoosy007]

I agree with Phonoho on the two words. They were a bit confusing and too complex I think for this poem. The rest of this was great. You touched on so many emotions of relationships: lust, love, confusion, depression, the great beginning and the painful breakup. This was great.