03-08-2007, 12:39 AM
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The Beautiful Letdown
I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.
I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.
You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.
I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease
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It Was An Honest Mistake.
Last edited by Ethan; 05-08-2007 at 03:17 AM .
03-08-2007, 10:40 AM
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Re: The Beautiful Letdown
This was good, Ethan. I liked it, but I think the flow was off a little in the third stanza. Maybe work with that a little, maybe make the first line shorter or the other lines in the third stanza a little longer. I find that if the lines are almost the same length, it flows better. The rest of this flowed nicely. Well done.
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03-08-2007, 10:46 AM
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Re: The Beautiful Letdown
Something about the rythm was a little off... am I reading it wrong perhaps?
6-5-4
6-5-6
9-7-3
5-5-3
I understand your feelings on the subject, but I think a bit refinement could aid you into making this a bit tidier my friend.
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04-08-2007, 06:14 AM
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Re: The Beautiful Letdown
yes my third stanza is messed up...i kind of had a hard time there
like i wanted someone like what i have but with more rythm
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04-08-2007, 08:18 AM
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Re: The Beautiful Letdown
I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.
I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.
You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.
I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease
By taking our unecessary words such as And But said etc which to me dont make poetry and changing 'someone' u would have amore balanced structure.
just a suggestion. have a play with ur verses and see what u get.
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05-08-2007, 03:18 AM
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Re: The Beautiful Letdown
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lubesh
I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.
I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.
You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.
I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease
By taking our unecessary words such as And But said etc which to me dont make poetry and changing 'someone' u would have amore balanced structure.
just a suggestion. have a play with ur verses and see what u get.
thanks lubesh
that really helps
!!
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