The Beautiful Letdown

[Ethan]

I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.

I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.

You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.

I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease

[Andromeda]

This was good, Ethan. I liked it, but I think the flow was off a little in the third stanza. Maybe work with that a little, maybe make the first line shorter or the other lines in the third stanza a little longer. I find that if the lines are almost the same length, it flows better. The rest of this flowed nicely. Well done.

[Masa]

Something about the rythm was a little off... am I reading it wrong perhaps?

6-5-4
6-5-6
9-7-3
5-5-3

I understand your feelings on the subject, but I think a bit refinement could aid you into making this a bit tidier my friend.

[Ethan]

yes my third stanza is messed up...i kind of had a hard time there
like i wanted someone like what i have but with more rythm

[Lubesh]

I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.

I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.

You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.

I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease

By taking our unecessary words such as And But said etc which to me dont make poetry and changing 'someone' u would have amore balanced structure.

just a suggestion. have a play with ur verses and see what u get.

[Ethan]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

I loved you at first sight,
You gave me love
Without a fight.

I looked into your eyes,
You stared right back
From under your disguise.

You said you could
belong, you wanted
someone else all along.

I fell to my knees,
As you walked away
With such ease

By taking our unecessary words such as And But said etc which to me dont make poetry and changing 'someone' u would have amore balanced structure.

just a suggestion. have a play with ur verses and see what u get.

thanks lubesh
that really helps
!!