The emotions expressed here, or the lack thereof, are clearly and completely stated, though a bit too plainly for its breif length. In my view, short pieces like this need something more than brevity to make them stand out. Perhaps you could focus more on the irony of not feeling love, yet caring enough to apologize for its absence.
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"One of my primary objects is to form the tools so the tools themselves shall fashion the work and give to every part its just proportion."
I get how the brevity is supposed to mimic the idea of "yeah yeah, I'm sorry" sort of thing...but I agree that this poem needs something more.
How about:
Days go by where nothing is said.
Unrequited love built on mutual respect.
Pain. Hope. Love. Disaster. Pain. (Some sort of line stating the brevity of emotion?)
Your heart feels what mine cannot.
But always remember, "I'm sorry".
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Do not overlook the obvious solution...
This is fine. The brevity is not a problem. Not everyone can understand apathy. Good work. Do not rewrite this. Though, you could add it together with whole another poem of the like lot.
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"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan in "Cosmos"
I read the words 'I'm sorry" but feel no remorse in the piece whatsoever..... it is almost a cold mockery in the tone........just my interpretation.......nicely written though
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I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
oh my, darkstar, you surprized me. this is absoulutely dazzuhling. it's as if its written by a professional. yes, its great!! and so sad. lol. excellent.
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
I am not a fan of short poetry, but I like what you have going here. I too, however, think it needs a little bit more. I wouldn't change it completely, but give it a bit more beef, if you know what I mean. Maybe something like:
Each day goes by,
Not a word is said,
An unrequited love,
A mutual respect.
Your heart feels,
But mine cannot,
This I cannot change,
But remember always:
"I'm Sorry."
Very skillful poem, though. Only certain people can pack such emotion with such a short poem.
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"Into your eyes,
Hopeless and taken,
We stole our lives,
Through blood and pain,
In defense of our dreams."
Re: Repentance
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