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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2007, 02:47 AM
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You saw nothing...
 
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Repentance

A day goes by
Nothing is said
An unrequited love,
A mutual respect.
Your heart feels,
Mine cannot
But remember always:
"I'm Sorry."

Last edited by Phonoho; 12-08-2007 at 01:14 AM.
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Old 12-08-2007, 01:54 AM
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Re: Repentance

The emotions expressed here, or the lack thereof, are clearly and completely stated, though a bit too plainly for its breif length. In my view, short pieces like this need something more than brevity to make them stand out. Perhaps you could focus more on the irony of not feeling love, yet caring enough to apologize for its absence.
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Old 03-07-2009, 04:15 AM
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Re: Repentance

I get how the brevity is supposed to mimic the idea of "yeah yeah, I'm sorry" sort of thing...but I agree that this poem needs something more.
How about:

Days go by where nothing is said.
Unrequited love built on mutual respect.
Pain. Hope. Love. Disaster. Pain. (Some sort of line stating the brevity of emotion?)
Your heart feels what mine cannot.
But always remember, "I'm sorry".
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Old 19-07-2009, 01:53 PM
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Thumbs up Re: Repentance

This is something short and simple, straight to the point, still fully packed with Emotional Diversity. And the imagery(ies) are GREAT too.
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Old 28-12-2009, 05:10 AM
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Re: Repentance

This is fine. The brevity is not a problem. Not everyone can understand apathy. Good work. Do not rewrite this. Though, you could add it together with whole another poem of the like lot.
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Old 29-12-2009, 10:41 PM
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Re: Repentance

I read the words 'I'm sorry" but feel no remorse in the piece whatsoever..... it is almost a cold mockery in the tone........just my interpretation.......nicely written though
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Old 15-01-2010, 12:06 AM
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Re: Repentance

oh my, darkstar, you surprized me. this is absoulutely dazzuhling. it's as if its written by a professional. yes, its great!! and so sad. lol. excellent.
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Old 15-01-2010, 07:03 AM
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The Fallen Angel
 
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Re: Repentance

I am not a fan of short poetry, but I like what you have going here. I too, however, think it needs a little bit more. I wouldn't change it completely, but give it a bit more beef, if you know what I mean. Maybe something like:

Each day goes by,
Not a word is said,
An unrequited love,
A mutual respect.
Your heart feels,
But mine cannot,
This I cannot change,
But remember always:
"I'm Sorry."

Very skillful poem, though. Only certain people can pack such emotion with such a short poem.
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Old 06-04-2010, 05:03 AM
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Re: Repentance

I thought this was very well done. It was sweet and short and to the piont.. haaa it rhymed.. anyways I don't think it needs to be changed at all.
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