[Jess1016]

I lay on a cold bed,
recalling when she said,
"I love you."

Now I sit at home,
a lovesick clone.
Then my lips move, and i say,
"I love you."

The memory of her smell
reminds me of hell,
but at the same time,
I love her.

Her eyes were so blue,
when our love was new.
I love her.

And even though she walked out;
I still think about
those memories of warmth.

[Venus]

Yea James is right about needing some punctuation.

I love the center theme of your poem, and that you carry it through til the end.

"The memory of her smell
Reminds me of hell"

Not sure I really get the above, I hope you didn't use it just to rhyme.

"And even though she walked out
I still think about
Those memories of warmth"

Now that's a good stanza.

Great job Jess.

[Storiesmaniac]

Hey nice to see some new blood in the poetry, Nice job Jess, as the other two have said it could use a little fixing up, loved the ideas behind it though...keep it up.

[Jess1016]

Okay, I tried to correct some of the problems. I attempted to add puntuation, but its not my strong suit, so i probally, accidentally did something wrong. As for the line, the memory of her smell...line. I added that as kind of another hint that although 'she' is loved, there is still an intense...I wouldn't say hatred, but dislike for her. So her smell reminds him of the good times and it makes him crazy. I know that explanation kinda sucks but hey, what can yah do. I'll thing about changing it, and if any of you have any ideas, Id love to hear them.

Thanks for the kind words.

[Storiesmaniac]

No you did goo...there should be a fullstop after you in "i love you"

but other then that...good work fixing it up.

[RENA HANDS]

Now I sit at home,
a lovesick clone.
Then my lips move, and i say,
"I love you."

The under capitalization was that intentional? If not then the I should be capitalized. I think the last stanza throws off the rhyme of the poem. If it is possible, I mean if you give a little more effort, you could extend the imagery of this illustration.

"A lovesick clone." What an exquisite image, truly a most universal understanding.

[Venomous Vixen]

Jess I love the simplicity of this one, really worked with the sorrow of the piece. Also the rememberance of the eye color and smell are things that I think anyone can relate to in a situation of loss and for me that was what made it tug on my heart. Very beautiful Jess.

[Rain]

This is the second straight poem I've read from you Jess and I'm enjoying your work very much. The simplicity that you bring is very nice, it's almost relaxing. I fully understand what this is about, it's almost disgusting how much I relate to it. Great job.

[Blink]

Wow, that was packed with emotion, I liked it. I have to agree with Vixen about the eye color and the smells, that was a very nice add on, and I particularly liked the last stanza. Good stuff.