[Venomous Vixen]

**This was written when I was 17, just came across it and thought I would post it

A part of my heart has fallen apart
Scream, it's a dream or so it seems
Crying, I'm dying, falling so silent
Boom! Hit the room, apart so soon

Gazing and blazing, my mind's hazing
Falling, you're calling, I'm just stalling
Seeing, I'm breathing with all of my being
Lasting, I'm gasping, can't keep grasping

Let go. You know how I love you so
All quiet
A scream
Echoes alone

I died
You cried
All Silent

[Lubesh]

I liked this and it is quite different from ur other structures and u do it well, carrying across the rhyme throughout the line. The only gripe I have was the tweeness at the end (on the longer line) also it seems forced to maintain the rhyme in the line. Also because i have seen more powerful stuff fromyou....and this is older it is no biggie.

Let go. You know how I love you so
All quiet
A scream
Echoes alone(lone echo??) just a usggestionlol

I died
You cried
All Silent


I challenge u to re write that line with more oomph in ur rhyming....id love to see ur now talent expressed in this ind of scheme also.

[Venomous Vixen]

Yes I see what you are saying... and I will play with that line

[RENA HANDS]

I agree. A rewrite would be most entertaining with all of your new knowledge and experiences. A most emotional illustration of heartbreak.

[Jess1016]

I like the cadence of this poem. It has an unusual beat. Also great description, and great emotion is felt through-out.

[Venomous Vixen]

Haha bloody hell at attempting to rewrite something from so long ago... Possibly...

"Let go, we've grown to the end of the road"

And thank you all