[Gurdit]

Hope clouds reason
Truth behind closed eyes
We wait for something
To rescue us. Our prize
Is what we’ve shared
And may never again have
But I’m still here
If only to save you from the sun
And I’m still here
If only to save you with my gun
I heard your voice
In my head; it brought me peace
But an awful truth follows me
To leave me ill at ease -
That I hate the sun
And I hate my gun
And I hate being alone
But that’s exactly what I am.

[Corneac]

Ah man. This is a pretty good poem, I thought it lacked a bit the descriptions that I love of yours - those simple, well rounded metaphors that are simple, but truthful and hit you in the head and heart a bit - make sense. But this was pretty heartbreaking...good use of repetition. But I thought the inclusion of the gun and sun; all a bit vague and confusing. But that's poetry aye? Deeper than the average thought. Will come back to this. I would suggest peppering it with some description...or imagery. But you may have intended it to be this way. Good piece mate.

[Gurdit]

This was written with someone in mind, partially. Actually, with a couple of people in mind. Most likely, they will never read it. The lines about the sun and the gun... the reason I put them in is because I really liked the way they flowed. But they're both metaphors... sun implying anything that's harsh (the sun is very harsh here in India), the gun is something that implies that I would take drastic steps to protect her if I have to, etc. But the metaphors really just mean whatever you want them to mean, of course.

PS: Yes, I did intend this one to be a little plain... thought it would portray the emotion better if it was plainer.

[Ryankia]

Wow Gurdit...this seems really dark for you to me. I didn't feel it was plain, yet I can see how others may see it as such. I found the beginning to be a little shaky, but you finished strong. Well done!

[Gurdit]

That was the intention
(the darkness)

[Rain]

Good stuff Gurdit. I enjoyed reading that. I can see where Ryankia is coming from about it being shaky near the start. But nothing is perfect, but it was good.

[Nupur]

I agree with everyone else about the shaky start, but were able to carry it forward very well. It was certainly dark. The gun part was a little vague to me as well, but when I read it again, if kind of grew on me, mainly because of the terrific flow in those lines. Also I saw it as a means of enforcing the dark theme. What I liked most about this was the ending. It was strong and very well done. Not my favourite from you, but I might be a little biased there. Overall, good work.

[Gurdit]

Again here (I'm replying to your comment just after I replied to your comment in the poem "Surrender"), I think that the last 3-4 lines were the ones I wrote first, and then built the poem around them.