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Old 07-04-2008, 05:39 AM
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Chameleon

I am taking in the external gray;
A chameleon am I to fade and twist
And dissipate as mist,
Avoiding the moment of coalescence.
I would rather drift between,
Between the dark pools and the light
Of doubt that finds me naked.
Can a fog be so exposed?
No wonder that I seek to fade and twist
And dissipate, a dandelion breeze.
I settle, shrink into the ground,
Taking round me all the faceless muck.
Now sprout! Now reach!
I long to grow and bloom and twist
My tender tendrils in your heart.
Yet risen, see that now I fade,
Chameleon dissipating with the sun.
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Old 07-04-2008, 06:43 AM
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Re: Chameleon

Very nice read. However, I am going to suggest dropping the constant capitalization of each line.... I think it takes away from the impact of the piece. If it were up to me, this is how I would do it (and to each their own)....

Quote:
I am taking in the external gray;
a chameleon am I to fade and twist
and dissipate as mist,
Avoiding the moment of coalescence.
I would rather drift between,
Between the dark pools and the light
of doubt that finds me naked.
Can a fog be so exposed?
No wonder that I seek to fade and twist
and dissipate, a dandelion breeze.
I settle, shrink into the ground,
taking round me all the faceless muck.
Now sprout! Now reach!
I long to grow and bloom and twist
my tender tendrils in your heart.
Yet risen, see that now I fade,
Chameleon dissipating with the sun.
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Here I feel that the individual lines that need more emphasis than the others have it. Now punctuation/capitalization on a piece is very subjective and tends to be personal to the author, I hope as an outside POV you can see my points- whether or not you agree with it.
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Old 10-04-2008, 04:43 PM
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Re: Chameleon

I thought the ending was a bit abrupt but other than that I enjoyed that.
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Old 11-04-2008, 01:14 PM
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Re: Chameleon

I think having between and then between again sounds weird, but other then that I love the imagery

Good Job!
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