[CryCandice]

The wandering ghosts could never provoke
The emptiest feeling of a heart this broke
When it all ended, I was left not in two
But in as many pieces as I’ve said ‘I love you’

And now I see her, more beautiful than I could be
I imagine you love her, as you did me
And my pieces double when I see you smile
Next to her, I’m not very worthwhile

She makes you happy, and I become sad
From what I see, it’s nothing like what we had
I can not help but to wish for it back
When my world without you is nothing but black

You remember, we were one, once upon a time
You held me so close, it was almost a crime
The spur of a moment became the love of my life
And a heart was shattered with the hints of our strife

And you smile at her, making tears fill my eyes
At the thought of your cheerful, temporary goodbyes
I’ll never have that again; the sorrow increases
‘Cause no one wants me, who can’t mend the pieces.

[Rain]

Absolutely great, lots of emotion which is my favorite part of all in poetry. It was heartfelt and sad, at points it is so good it sent goosebumps down my arms. Candice, I really enjoyed this one, and I'm shocked that nobody had posted in it before I did, sometimes they just fall under the radar and can't be found, many of my poems have done that, but this one was great and I'm happy I found it. It had it's flaws, I'm not gonna say it didn't, but it was still very good, and I'm looking at that, and not the flaws right now.


And you smile at her, making tears fill my eyes
At the thought of your cheerful, temporary goodbyes

Brilliant 2 lines right there, gave me chills.

"And now I see her, more beautiful than I could be
I imagine you love her, as you did me"


"I can not help but to wish for it back
When my world without you is nothing but black"

Once again, emotion! which is truly a talent. In the first set it is very touching and sad, and something many people can relate to definitly. And in the second set, a feeling of being lost without somebodyy, once again, something relatable(i feel I'm speeling that wrong) to most people.

Now I am gonna say a few parts didn't ring off well

"But in as many pieces as I’ve said ‘I love you’ "

"‘Cause no one wants me, who can’t mend the pieces."

Those 2 lines didn't flow for me too well, but still were filled with emotion, maybe change up the wording a bit to fix the flow, just when you feel like making something better you might want to come and maybe edit those lines a bit.

Those were my favs and not favs of this poem, I really enjoyed reviewing this one, and a favorite of mine that I've read in a awhile. Keep up the fantastic work Candice, stick with the emotion, it suits you well. Fantastic

[CryCandice]

thanks so much, it just got submitted today, so that's probably why you're the first comment.

i'll look at those two lines and see what i can do with them. : )

[Nupur]

Lovely work, Candice! I was completely drawn in by your beginning. It’s really captivating and catchy. The first stanza flows beautifully. Good use of rhymes; you’ve carried them very well in the first stanza.

When it all ended, I was left not in two
But in as many pieces as I’ve said ‘I love you’

The meaning and feeling of these was awesome. Totally amazing. It’s something new and not corny at all, at least not to me. It’s pure and honest and a lovely line. Your second stanza was a bit of a let down. I think that’s mainly because of your second line. Doesn’t really go with it. And then third line again, you created magic. I truly love the references to pieces, very well executed. Again, the fourth line of the second stanza was a bit of a let down. The rhyme doesn’t look too good there.

This poem to me, is an amalgamation of some truly awesome lines and some mediocre one. And my mediocre I just mean that you have set your own bar too high with those awesome lines. I start expecting something like those and then… well… for example your third stanza:

She makes you happy, and I become sad

Not as good as I would have expected. ‘and I become sad’. That is the part that’s creating a bit of a problem. It doesn’t go with the sophisticated voice you have used everywhere else in the poem.

From what I see, it’s nothing like what we had

But again you deliver such an amazing line!

I can not help but to wish for it back
When my world without you is nothing but black

Rhyming ‘back’ and ‘black’ seems to be a bit of a stretch, but I love these lines.

You remember, we were one, once upon a time
You held me so close, it was almost a crime
The spur of a moment became the love of my life
And a heart was shattered with the hints of our strife

The first two lines are so damn beautiful! The tenderness, sweetness, the emotion… all very well expressed. Coming to the next two lines, the life/strife rhyme is totally overused. But nonetheless, you’ve made good use of it. Though in such a lovely poem, again, you’ve set my expectations high.

And you smile at her, making tears fill my eyes
At the thought of your cheerful, temporary goodbyes
I’ll never have that again; the sorrow increases
‘Cause no one wants me, who can’t mend the pieces.

And you end it with an amazing last stanza. Great last line. I love this poem. Can’t wait to read more from you. You’re doing an amazing job!

[Rain]

It's like you go out of your way to out review me, Nup

[CryCandice]

Not as good as I would have expected. ‘and I become sad’. That is the part that’s creating a bit of a problem. It doesn’t go with the sophisticated voice you have used everywhere else in the poem.

yeah.. nothing depressing rhymes with had.

[PaulJJ]

whoa! fanflippintastic. Im glad I found this gem. Really good.
my fav part was the last stanza. well written. Not much more I can think of to say. Just...brilliant.

[Blink]

All I would suggest is some puncuation at the end of the lines, because it seemed almost empty without it. I really enjoyed it, the passion, the heartfelt words you put into it, the pure emotion that you established well at the beginning, and it just oozed throughout the whole. Absolutely great! Lines simple, rhymes simple, I liked the centering of the poem as well... I can only say good things about this. Great job.

[Maylar]

I usually avoid purely romantic (sad or happy) poems...have nothing against it, just not my type of poetry, at least not in “romantic only” form.
This, however, has such strong emotions present, that I was captivated from the beginning and couldn’t escape reading it, and loving it, despite my usual taste.
Emotions in it...it’s flowing, it’s almost touchable. I’m not much of a critic, in a usual sense of the word, so I rather left it to those better in that.
I can just honestly say, great work.