[Vorcla]

Two O’Clock In A Coffee Shop (a cowrite by vorcla and dearest)

I see you at the coffee shop
sitting by yourself,
and my heart does that familiar flip-flop.
even though it shouldn't.
I want to come over and ask how you are
but I can't
It doesn't seem right.

Leaning over my coffee cup
Staring at the empty seat across from me
Letting the sweetness wash away dreams
Still clinging to the fringes
When you appear, above the rim
Balancing smoothly on porcelain trim
It scares me how much I start to hope

I always hoped you'd give me a sign
some way to tell me
if I had a chance
and when you didn't, I moved on
but I always looked back
wondering if it might have been
if it still could be

I gave you every hint I could
Blew smoke signals
in the window steam
Love letters blinked in morse
But you never replied
And I’m still sitting here, Indian style,
Hoping the wind will carry me back to you

I wonder why it never worked
we just kept missing connections
like two ships passing in the night
so close and so far
fingertips just out of reach

I was always hoping it would work
That we would somehow click
Your fingers sliding soundly between mine
But yours were always in your pockets
So I never really tried

I couldn't wait anymore
Didn't seem you would ever blink
so I found someone
but I always looked back
Looking for you

So I stuck myself in neutral
As the cars went passing by
Sitting, wishing, on an overpass
Stuck in memories
And hearing your favorite song
On the midnight radio

I've stayed here long enough
It's best to leave the past alone
and it would be so easy
to just come through that door
but I'm too afraid
that I might do the right thing

Through the window, I see you hesitate
The only thing between us is glass and fear
A woman asks if she can use
My empty chair
No, no, I say, I'm expecting someone to...
But I look back, and you've disappeared

There is no place for me in there

Nevermind, you can take my chair

Two o'clock in a coffee shop
And we are paralyzed by might-have-beens

--------------------------

A comment from Vorcla:

This was a real treat for me. I was humbled and flattered to be able to work with someone whose work I truly admire. Tricia is the seasoned poet here, but she seemed to bring out the best in me. It was easy and fun, and I hope we do it again sometime soon. I'm very pleased with the way this turned out, and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it.

Rick

A comment from dearest:

I don't know about Rick, but I had a blast writing this. Mr. But-I'm-Not-A-Poet held his own and challenged me to write more musically and rhythmically. It was quite interesting to watch this poem take shape, and I hope y'all enjoy! ^_^

Tricia

[Lubesh]

That was tremendous you two. The dual voices and tables lol Horrible in its truth as these things do happen and not alwasy in the cofee shop. absolute treat that was...and I was steeled for the end, but had somehope. The end lines ..superb.

[Vorcla]

Thank you, Lu. Tricia and I decided we wanted to have some separation in the voices, so you could tell there were two different people involved. We wanted them to sound different. She also formatted the poem so we had the guy on the left and the girl on the right, like balancing a stereo system.

I enjoyed this immensely. It was almost like playing tennis. Tricia would lob a stanza over to me, and I'd lob one back. Really got my creative sparks crackling. I hope we can do it again soon. Glad you enjoyed.

[Venomous Vixen]

This was incredible. I really enjoyed the way I could hear each of you in this, the contrast added to the back and forth between the two minds. Before reading you comment above I knew who had written what and I smiled at that, it made it even more enjoyable for me, faces with parts, feminine and masculine voices with each. Heartbreaking, and as Lu mentioned, not rare at all. Those 'what-ifs' always threaten to ruin us don't that? Anyhow, beautiful sculpted piece of art here,

[Vorcla]

Thank you, honey - you know how much that means to me. We definitely wanted the two voices to be separate and recognizable.

We wanted this to be like one of those Lifetime movies where the girl is leaving town on a train and the guy's running after her, but doesn't quite make it. If he'd been even a few minutes earlier...happily ever after. They get so close but never quite make that connection. So glad you liked it!

[dearest]

Lubesh - Thanks! It is sad how these things sometimes work out. Sorry to burst your hope bubble. ^_^ Thanks again for reading, it's much appreciated.

bri- Yay! Glad that the distinct voices came across. And, well, I don't know about art, but I'll definitely take it! ^_^

Darn you rick, you beat me to replying to these. ^_^ Ah well, thanks again!

[Vorcla]

Okay - now I'm going to take a second to comment on my partner's half of our collaboration. Bwahahahahahahaha!

I've always looked up to Tricia as one of the most talented, gifted poets on the site. I could tell she was really putting something nice together while we were going back and forth writing it, but it wasn't until I saw the finished, formatted version that the full impact hit me. It was like looking at a polished gem. Her language, her word choices, have always been exquisite. Case in point:

Leaning over my coffee cup
Staring at the empty seat across from me
Letting the sweetness wash away dreams
Still clinging to the fringes
When you appear, above the rim
Balancing smoothly on porcelain trim
It scares me how much I start to hope

"When you appear, above the rim / Balancing smoothly on the porcelian trim" - Gaaahhh! The image that evokes just floors me. The POV is incredible. Really, I'd end up highlighting her entire half of the poem if I wanted to point out everything I love about it.

Still, check out this anyway:

I gave you every hint I could
Blew smoke signals
in the window steam
Love letters blinked in morse
But you never replied
And I’m still sitting here, Indian style,
Hoping the wind will carry me back to you

Double Gaaahhh!

I think what I love the most about this one - and Tricia's poems in general - is the emotion she brings to the table. For me - Mr. But-I'm-Not-A-Poet - that's what it's all about - emotion and feeling. If you can come away from reading one of her poems without being moved - and choked up and misty-eyed on one of her heartbreak poems - you don't have a heart.

My hat's off to you, hun, and I'd love to this again soon - really soon.

[Jimbalaya]

That was pretty damn cool you two. I'm not the go-to guy for poetry, but I loved this. It's like no matter what happened, the timing was always off and they never really made it. Sad in a way, but very exciting to read. The dual voice is perfect, I think. Not too much else to say. Congrats to both of you on a wonderful write!

[Peppy]

Pretty good poem. I'm surprised you were both able to work together--not that I am saying whatever the line is saying. It's supposed to be a compliment anyway(I'm not very good at writing those. Haha).

I like the atmospherically element in this poem. It seems to set the mood. And I'm fimiliar with it, too. There seems to be two different world when there's the outside and inside space of the coffee shop.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Now this poem is easy to decipher. It was easy to follow and get at an instant without really needing to read it twice(which I still did because it was so good). I don't think you guys wholly depended on beautiful words and whatnots to say what you wanted to say, saying what you need to say is more important than adorning it, my opinion anyways.

I have more to say, but I'll let others say them.

[RENA HANDS]

MARVELOUS! BRILLIANT! SUPERB!

I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE this poem.

My online applauses and thrown petals mean nothing…

The reader(s) can see/read each individual write and that’s what adds to its exquisiteness.

BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! I cannot wait to see more cowrites…of course your own individual writes are just as EXCEPTIONAL!

My highest rating of 5/5!

[dearest]

rick - well if you get to comment on my half, don't expect to be exempt from some comments from me. ^_^ Like I've told him before, what I love best about his writing (poetry and prose) is the rhythm and flow. The fact that he's a music guy definitely comes across in your writing, the flow is always incredible, just rolls off the tongue and sits pleasantly with the internal metronome. ^_^ For example, take this:

I wonder why it never worked
we just kept missing connections
like two ships passing in the night
so close and so far
fingertips just out of reach

It's great, I can just hear it being sung. And, as I've told him many a time *stands on soapbox* poetry is just music without...well...the music. They have so much in common, which is why rick is so good at it. Not to mention the word choice. Here, I love the images of the ships passing in the night and fingertips just out of reach. Very visual, very tactile. Love it. ^_^

Jim - Thanks for the read, even though you say poetry isn't your thing. SO glad to hear from you!

Peppy - Yeah, I feel that way about poetry too. It's all about simplicity, not frills and embellishments. By the way...is your sig from Howl's Moving Castle? ^_^

Rena- no more petals, please, I'm blushing so much that I think I shall forever be red. Tomato-girl. ^_^ Always happy to hear from you, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! As for more co-writes, it's possible, though I'm not sure if or when. Me and rick have discussed it, so...maybe. Had a lot of fun writing it, so I certainly wouldn't mind. ^_^ Thanks again for the review Rena, Reviewer Extraordinaire!

[Rakkasan]

Okay, I'm almost a little jealous. This is a really neat theme. It reminds me of the intro to You've Got Mail, when Tom Hanks' character, Joe Fox, keeps almost bumping into Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen Kelley, but they don't really know it. Yeah, I know. Everything for me is relative to a movie. What can I say? I love movies.

As to the execution - it was superb, and as was previously mentioned, the masculine/feminine voices were easy to pick up without having to be told which side was one gender or the other. This emphasizes how difficult it can be for a man to write a woman's voice well, or for a woman to write a man's voice well. Here, it is naturally conveyed. The independant views played very well off each other.

Everyone around here knows that I like punctuation. You both start out using it, sometimes in ways that left sentence fragments. Then, in the middle, it all disappears, and later reappears at the end. My thought here is do it right throughout, or just get rid of it. After reading back through it, I would be more inclined on this one to simply eradicate it. (Man, I can't believe I just typed that!)

The only other thing I noticed was the "hiccup" (for lack of a better term) that I felt as I read "but I always looked back" for the second time. It didn't feel like a smooth use of repetition.

As for the imagery, here are my favorite snip-its:

"Leaning over my coffee cup"

"When you appear, above the rim
Balancing smoothly on porcelain trim"

"fingertips just out of reach"

"The only thing between us is glass and fear"

Thanks for the good read, both of you. Keep it up, Rick. We'll see you become the "Resident Poet" yet.

Sorry this is coming late, but it was a long day at the office.

[Syrah]

OK. So first off, I want to say the combination of your writing was pretty dynamite. My one criticism for the piece is that I would have liked to see a more obviously similar beat (keeping the different syllables. I liked the individual voices. But I see this kind of like a proposed duet type of feel, but instead I hear two individual poems intertwined together by separating stanzas). Knowing there is very little to criticize I wanted to make sure I had something to bring to the table for improvement. Now the good stuff....

Tricia-

I liked how you used rhyme here and there but didn't stick with a strict rhyme format. It brought a natural-ity to the piece that was very apropos. You have some killer lines, not just in the imagery department (but definitely in that department) but also in the diction. How it rolls off your tongue like a delicious treat.. almost like the first bite/sip of something fabulous- like pink champagne.

Highlights for me are:

Originally Posted by dearest

I gave you every hint I could
Blew smoke signals
in the window steam
Love letters blinked in morse
But you never replied
And I’m still sitting here, Indian style,
Hoping the wind will carry me back to you

This whole stanza I have experienced. I, as a female, am not so inclined to be the pursuer. It changes the format of the future relationship, but sometimes letting someone know you are interested without pursuing who's oblivious... well... yeah. Wonderfully captured.

Originally Posted by dearest

Through the window, I see you hesitate
The only thing between us is glass and fear
A woman asks if she can use
My empty chair
No, no, I say, I'm expecting someone to...
But I look back, and you've disappeared

You have said that you were challenged to make your poetry more musical, in this stanza you embodied that notion. Musical to note and a wonderful way to conclude the back and forth of stanzas. Beautifully executed.




Rick


I, once again, will say... YOU CAN TOO WRITE POETRY-- A LOT LOT BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN. I find that the best, the very best pieces of poetry have a musicality to the tonality due to the rhythm the poem brings. To me, personally, a poem without any rhythm is a disaster (with rare exceptions).

Originally Posted by Vorcla

I see you at the coffee shop
sitting by yourself,
and my heart does that familiar flip-flop.

Come on. Can't you see the brilliance? Imagine it was me, or Tricia writing it. See it now???




BOTH OF YOU-

The winding down of the poem and overall conclusion was brilliantly put together. True to life more often than realized. Wonderful.

[Vorcla]

Hey - thanks to everyone who responded. Let me catch up a little,

Jimbo: glad to hear you liked it. Even though you say you're not heavily into poetry, you've developed into one of the most formidable prose writers on the site. I think there's a commonality of appreciation for all types of writing.

Peppy: Thank you. Like Tricia, I, too, believe in simplicity with poetry. Clarity of expression comes first, but we do like to go for interesting images, too. Thanks for the comments.

RENA: Gee...do you think you could have worked up a little enthusiasm for our effort? Just kidding - I'm overwhelmed. A 5/5 - that's incredible. Thank you so much for the review. So glad you liked.

dearest (I love saying that!): Thank you, Tricia. Remember, though, whatever I brought to the table you made that much better by bringing out my best. I knew I was working with one of the best and had to be on my toes, and I didn't want to disappoint. You inspired me to work that much harder - except it wasn't work. The collaborative atmosphere was so natural and relaxed that it felt easy to come up with "call and response" stanzas. You flatter me to the point of blushing, and I'll stand next to you and be "Tomato-boy!"

Rakkasan:

Keep it up, Rick. We'll see you become the "Resident Poet" yet.

Ha! Let's not get carried away here, Rakk! I appreciate the sentiment, though. Glad you liked. Oh - and your analogy to "You've Got Mail" - perfect! That's the feel of what we were trying to do. Glad you caught that. Thanks.

And isn't Tricia amazing?