Go Back   StoriesMania - short stories, poems, and more online fiction > Reading Corner > Poetic Cafe [Advanced Verse] > Heartbreak/Sorrow

ForwardPress

Notices

Reply
 
LinkBack (1) Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 01-09-2008, 03:47 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Lucas

Your Mom called me
Out of the blue
After almost two years.
‘We need to talk – I never told you,
I couldn’t tell you
That we have a son.
But I need you now,
I'm frightened and I need your help.’

My head spun,
I was terrified
And happy
And excited all at the same time.
A son, our son, my son.
A new life,
New possibilities,
And we’d never met each other.

It was love at first sight.
I got to hold you.
Silken black hair,
Big, happy grin, mouthful of baby teeth,
Chubby cheeks,
Deep brown eyes,
Beautiful, like your mother.
Your tiny fingers gripped my hand.

The truth came out
As we talked,
Your Mom and me.
‘I’m so sorry, he’s not yours;
He’s not your son.
His father walked out on us,
And I was just so scared.
Can you ever forgive me?’

‘He’s not yours.’
I didn’t hear anything after that.
I couldn’t breathe
Couldn’t speak, couldn’t even cry.
A son, their son, her son.
I should be happy,
I should be relieved,
So why is my heart breaking?
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.

Last edited by Vorcla; 01-09-2008 at 06:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2008, 05:21 AM
Bluejay's Avatar
Dances with Words
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Castro Valley, California
Posts: 2,474
Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!Bluejay is so hot right now!
Points: 350,769.80
Bank: 82,393,568.44
Total Points: 82,744,338.23
You can be a bigger one...pfft - Lubesh Happy Birthday, Blue Guy! Many more. Hope things are smoothing out for you... - Vorcla To keep till you can dunk it here again - Lubesh You can have this if u get outta town...hic - Lubesh You have protection from theft..give me some money i have eaten my ring.... - Lubesh 
Send a message via AIM to Bluejay Send a message via MSN to Bluejay Send a message via Yahoo to Bluejay Send a message via Skype™ to Bluejay
Re: Lucas

This is poignant and truly heart-breaking. Such mixed emotions, and yet they ring so true. I like the way you address the child, speaking to him. Wonderfully done!
__________________
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." ~ Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid." ~ Basil King
Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2008, 06:38 AM
Hurricane's Avatar
Regular Reader
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 29
Hurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary memberHurricane is an Honorary member
Points: 42,547.01
Bank: 0.00
Total Points: 42,547.01
You don't have any gifts. That's not right. - Vorcla :) - Gurdit You bring up a good point that it's girls that are getting offed. . .  I hope that I am right in that you aren't a changeling so I'm sending you luck. . .  Hopefully it works out for everyone. . . Just realized that I can't care too much about the ch - katofmystery Hey, Katrina - sorry about what happened in the game, but I promise there will be a happy ending for everyone who died - except for the villains! :D - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to Hurricane
Re: Lucas

OMG! That poem just broke my heart. I was close to tears.It seemed so real almost like it was true. It was an awesome poem, I hope you keep writing poems.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2008, 04:35 AM
-Jim-'s Avatar
Might be naked.
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Utah
Posts: 2,457
-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member-Jim- is an Honorary member
Points: 10,812.69
Bank: 25,119,607.76
Total Points: 25,130,420.45
jimmy your becoming one of my fav story-telling writers  in the site! HERE, write more and give me to read. =) - Dark-huntress :) - Syrah Merry Christmas Jimmy! guess what i got you?  LOL. - Dark-huntress A hot toddy to pick you up...get well soon! - Lubesh Have a happy one, man! - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to -Jim-
Re: Lucas

Damn. Such a real situation these days. This piece is quite powerful, and sad. Not sure what else to say here, but it is one to be proud of. Very visual and the way you adress the child fits very will here. Nice work! Dare I say it? You are a P-word, whether you like it or not.
__________________
Go vote on a challenge or will eat you!

Quote:
Oh...you...you...you BIG BAD WOLF! Bad girl! You go potty on the paper! BAD Girl!!!
Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2008, 10:19 AM
dearest's Avatar
Quiet One
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,812
dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!dearest is so hot right now!
Points: 216,687.68
Bank: 639,752.64
Total Points: 856,440.32
Oh..and I do know how to spell "miss." lol! - Vorcla Always great to see you, hon! ^_^ - Vorcla Hi, you! - Vorcla Thanks for your new poem, hon. It was a joy to read. Made me feel almost normal.  ^_^ - Vorcla Just felt like it. Haven't given you anything in a while.  ^_^ - Vorcla 
Re: Lucas

Oh my. This is beautiful. I agree with bluejay, love how you addressed the child, like a father telling his kid about 'how I met your mother', with a rather sad twist. I honestly wish the narrator had been the father, and I think he does too. So sad, so sad. Again, I love the simplicity and clarity of your poems. It doesn't leap off the page, it's not flashy- it curls up quietly against your heart, and before you know it, you're bawling like there's no tomorrow. ^_^ Wayta go there, Mr. P-Word. ^_^
__________________
Your battles inspired me - not the obvious material battles
but those that were fought and won behind your forehead.


Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2008, 10:39 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluejay View Post
This is poignant and truly heart-breaking. Such mixed emotions, and yet they ring so true. I like the way you address the child, speaking to him. Wonderfully done!
Thanks, Jay. That approach just seemed to lend itself to this poem. That was the way I felt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurricane View Post
OMG! That poem just broke my heart. I was close to tears.It seemed so real almost like it was true. It was an awesome poem, I hope you keep writing poems.
Broke my heart when I read it, too. Thank you, Katrina. I will keep writing poems, I guess. I keep saying I don't know if I will, and then something jumps up and makes me do it again. Plus I've been working with Tricia (dearest) who is an incredible poet, a great partner, and has a wonderful influence on me. So I guess you'll see more...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimbalaya View Post
Damn. Such a real situation these days. This piece is quite powerful, and sad. Not sure what else to say here, but it is one to be proud of. Very visual and the way you adress the child fits very will here. Nice work! Dare I say it? You are a P-word, whether you like it or not.
A P-word? lol Maybe. I might be getting close. Thanks, Jimbo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dearest View Post
Oh my. This is beautiful. I agree with bluejay, love how you addressed the child, like a father telling his kid about 'how I met your mother', with a rather sad twist. I honestly wish the narrator had been the father, and I think he does too. So sad, so sad. Again, I love the simplicity and clarity of your poems. It doesn't leap off the page, it's not flashy- it curls up quietly against your heart, and before you know it, you're bawling like there's no tomorrow. ^_^ Wayta go there, Mr. P-Word. ^_^
Wow. Thanks, Tricia. That means a lot to me. You're such a wonderful poet, I feel honored to hear words of praise like that from you. Yes, it was sad indeed. First you think about changes you'll have to make, then accept and even embrace the idea, and then the rug gets yanked out from under you. Owww.

Thanks again, hun. ^_^
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.

Last edited by Vorcla; 02-09-2008 at 02:09 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2008, 07:55 AM
Rakkasan's Avatar
Regular Contributor
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 349
Rakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary memberRakkasan is an Honorary member
Points: 6,150.00
Bank: 63,733.52
Total Points: 69,883.52
Send a message via MSN to Rakkasan
Thumbs up Re: Lucas

Wow! I was all hyped up, and then BAM!

That really caught me by surprise, but then, I suppose that was the point. It threw the narrator off balance as well.

How depressing. I know of someone who had to deal with that. I also know of someone who had very good reason to doubt, but didn't want to. That fellow takes care of his "son" to this day. It is what it is...

Sad.

Poet, indeed. (See, I'm not afraid to use the P-word. )
__________________
"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by acting." - Henry David Thoreau
Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2008, 08:03 AM
Venomous Vixen's Avatar
The Cat's Meow
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 4,571
Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!Venomous Vixen is so hot right now!
Points: 289,152.91
Bank: 52,273,577.29
Total Points: 52,562,730.20
Happy you day! :) Forget about the numbers ;) - Syrah The black rose is my favorite of all so I give it to you as a thank you....... Reading your writing is such a pleasure that nice comments come easy - psycosis Miss you - badly. But you know that... - Vorcla Hey - think I just missed you...  :( - Vorcla Hi there! I miss you too! Hows my online drinking buddy? - Wordsmyth 
Send a message via MSN to Venomous Vixen Send a message via Yahoo to Venomous Vixen Send a message via Skype™ to Venomous Vixen
Re: Lucas

You know, this is one of those pieces where the form and flow could be riddled with flaws and it would not matter, the content is all that smacks the reader across the face here. It's powerful and yes - heartbreaking... not cluttered with poetic metaphors or fancy images, straight and to the point and full of raw emotion. I can not image the devastation one must feel caught in this tug-o-war, a totally breech of the calm path one was just on. Beyond that I can't fathom how another human being could toy with someone else's emotions in this manner. After reading there is a sense of empathy, sympathy, almost tears and a whole other side of rage and anger that one human being could do this to another. By far your last four lines were my favorite and a perfect ending. You just keep on writing, it's beautiful, it's quite a treat, and yes, it's poetry
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth View Post
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2008, 09:27 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakkasan;
Wow! I was all hyped up, and then BAM!
Perfect description, Tony. "Bam!" Indeed. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen;
You know, this is one of those pieces where the form and flow could be riddled with flaws and it would not matter, the content is all that smacks the reader across the face here. It's powerful and yes - heartbreaking... not cluttered with poetic metaphors or fancy images, straight and to the point and full of raw emotion. I can not image the devastation one must feel caught in this tug-o-war, a totally breech of the calm path one was just on. Beyond that I can't fathom how another human being could toy with someone else's emotions in this manner. After reading there is a sense of empathy, sympathy, almost tears and a whole other side of rage and anger that one human being could do this to another. By far your last four lines were my favorite and a perfect ending. You just keep on writing, it's beautiful, it's quite a treat, and yes, it's poetry
Devastated. Another perfect description. It's like being shotgunned; you're too stunned to summon any rage.

This came out on its own. It's almost untouched. I couldn't think of anything to do to it, and it was to painful to get to close to it again. This demanded to be written; it's not a case where you go, "I think I'll try to write a poem." These are the best kind.

But you pay a price for it.

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, hun. To me, you're one of the Goddesses of Poetry here. It means more to me than you can imagine. Thanks, Bri.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2008, 04:06 AM
Tay M.'s Avatar
OptimisticPessimist
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,715
Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!
Points: 100,167.16
Bank: 622,551.33
Total Points: 722,718.49
Happy Holidays! - Persephone Happy New Year! Wishing you all the best in 2010! - Kalinda i promised you treasure didn't i? ;) xo - Dark-huntress Just because... - Kalinda Thanks Tay-tay for all the awesome comments! luhvyo! :) - Dark-huntress 
Send a message via AIM to Tay M. Send a message via Yahoo to Tay M.
Re: Lucas

Now that is something that definitly earned it's spot in the Heartbreak/Sorrow catagorie... simple and at times lacking in poetic touch(which isn't exactly a bad thing) but it was so heartbreaking and emotional that you barely could notice. I personally love simplicity... loved it personally... good stuff, Rick.
__________________
"Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot

Last edited by Tay M.; 13-09-2008 at 05:56 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 13-09-2008, 12:23 AM
dorian hanes's Avatar
Resident Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,770
dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!dorian hanes is so hot right now!
Points: 19,106.02
Bank: 0.00
Total Points: 19,106.02
Thumbs up Re: Lucas

It has been a while since I’ve read a poetic write from you, Vorcla…but it is well worth the wait…This is Wonderful! The way you conveyed a variety of Powerful emotions. And the sadness of disappoint to have learned the truth…just Brilliant I must say/type. How could I not rate the highest of highs for this Exceptional write…5/5!
__________________
If you'd like to express Yourself ...please call 1-800-WHATEVER (lol)
Reply With Quote
Old 13-09-2008, 12:32 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Thanks, hun. Unfortunately, I had to experience the pain to get the write. Wish there was an easier way...
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 15-09-2008, 06:13 PM
Nupur's Avatar
Emptiness.
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: In your head, in your bed.
Posts: 1,137
Nupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary memberNupur is an Honorary member
Points: 95,159.37
Bank: 118,975.37
Total Points: 214,134.74
Thanks for commenting on "Tin Soldiers." That story means a lot to me. - Vorcla Hey, you - how the heck are you?! Miss you... - Vorcla Haven't seen you in like forever. How are you? - Vorcla Hi! How are you and what are you up to? - Vorcla Caught a glimpse of you. Hope you're doing well... - Vorcla 
Send a message via AIM to Nupur Send a message via MSN to Nupur Send a message via Yahoo to Nupur
Re: Lucas

Rick, wow. I agree with everyone who posted here. It's one of those poems where the content is enough to drive it forward. I loved the simplicity and the effect it had on this. Truly heartbreaking. I can't put it better then Bri did, and I completely agree with her. Excellent work.
__________________
Wanna be the Reviewer of the Month and get 5000 points?

---

Quote:
Originally Posted by Corneac View Post
Hahahaha....Nup, your as bad as me...
Reply With Quote
Old 20-09-2008, 10:53 AM
Blink's Avatar
Regular Reader
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
Blink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around hereBlink is a great help around here
Points: 2,599.75
Bank: 0.31
Total Points: 2,600.06
Re: Lucas

Damn Vorcla you're gonna make me cry and then I'm gonna have to do something manly to prove I'm not a pussy. lol. Seriously, if somebody(like I was) was listening to a slow and sad song this could just be epicly terrific.(I'm sure it is without as well, but it was frickin' fantastic with music)On a serious note, I absolutely loved it and everything about, I mean damn man, this deserved heartbreak/sorrow. You're awesome for writing this, I can't put it in a different or better way then Vixen did. All I can say is, amazing job.

-Scott
Reply With Quote
Old 20-09-2008, 01:23 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Thanks, Scott. And welcome aboard.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 20-09-2008, 01:25 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulJJ View Post
Attention-grabbing. I like the blue font.
I really like this. These poems really are the best kind. Gripping read, well done.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain View Post
Now that is something that definitly earned it's spot in the Heartbreak/Sorrow catagorie... simple and at times lacking in poetic touch(which isn't exactly a bad thing) but it was so heartbreaking and emotional that you barely could notice. I personally love simplicity... loved it personally... good stuff, Rick.

Thanks, guys. Missed these first time around. Sorry.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2008, 12:18 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nupur View Post
Rick, wow. I agree with everyone who posted here. It's one of those poems where the content is enough to drive it forward. I loved the simplicity and the effect it had on this. Truly heartbreaking. I can't put it better then Bri did, and I completely agree with her. Excellent work.

Nup, somehow I missed your comment. Geez, I'm sorry! Thanks for the comments. This was a tough one.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2008, 04:24 PM
iwrite4areason's Avatar
Resident Writer
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Salem, OR
Posts: 584
iwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary member
Points: 65,801.78
Bank: 879,604.77
Total Points: 945,406.55
Miss ya... - Vorcla Hey - I don't think I've told you how much I've missed you... - Vorcla Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my absent friend. I miss you, love... - Vorcla Happy New Year, Sweets! Hope 2010 is all you want it to be... - Vorcla Hey - there she is! Hi, hon... - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to iwrite4areason
Re: Lucas

I like the poem in theory. However, I don't feel like it needs to be in blue. The color doesn't add anything to the dimensions of the text, so why include it?

Secondly, I'm not sure if I agree with ending the poem by asking a question.
Quote:
I should be happy,
I should be relieved,
So why is my heart breaking?
Ending by saying
Quote:
I should be happy,
I should be relieved,
but my heart is breaking.
would be just as affective and has a stronger voice. (Unless, of course, you were trying to make the speaker seem not so strong?) Perhaps even adding a last line beyond that, for example:
Quote:
my heart is breaking
and so am I.
A rough example but I hope that you can see where I am going with this!
__________________
Do not overlook the obvious solution...
Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2008, 08:46 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Oh - I like the idea of the last line - I may steal that from you! As far as the blue goes - no thematic reason for that - just thought it looked purty! Thanks, Kit; I appreciate the read.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-11-2008, 11:24 AM
iwrite4areason's Avatar
Resident Writer
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Salem, OR
Posts: 584
iwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary memberiwrite4areason is an Honorary member
Points: 65,801.78
Bank: 879,604.77
Total Points: 945,406.55
Miss ya... - Vorcla Hey - I don't think I've told you how much I've missed you... - Vorcla Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my absent friend. I miss you, love... - Vorcla Happy New Year, Sweets! Hope 2010 is all you want it to be... - Vorcla Hey - there she is! Hi, hon... - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to iwrite4areason
Re: Lucas

Be my guest, I was hoping that you would! Anything that I can do to help, I'm happy to do!
__________________
Do not overlook the obvious solution...
Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2008, 07:39 AM
Tay M.'s Avatar
OptimisticPessimist
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,715
Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!Tay M. is so hot right now!
Points: 100,167.16
Bank: 622,551.33
Total Points: 722,718.49
Happy Holidays! - Persephone Happy New Year! Wishing you all the best in 2010! - Kalinda i promised you treasure didn't i? ;) xo - Dark-huntress Just because... - Kalinda Thanks Tay-tay for all the awesome comments! luhvyo! :) - Dark-huntress 
Send a message via AIM to Tay M. Send a message via Yahoo to Tay M.
Re: Lucas

Reading this again.... it highly reminds me of the song Billie Jean. And I don't know why, I think it's the one line in the song "but the kid is not my son." idk lol.
__________________
"Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot

Last edited by Tay M.; 10-11-2008 at 07:42 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 18-04-2009, 05:07 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

A belated thank you, Tay. I appreciate the read and comment.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 17-06-2009, 04:13 PM
jeannerené's Avatar
Valued Reader
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: California
Posts: 146
jeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary memberjeannerené is an Honorary member
Points: 64,551.90
Bank: 57,120.39
Total Points: 121,672.28
It's a 'Happy Friday gift.'... ^_^ - Vorcla I was just getting ready to sign off when I saw you. Thanks for reading 'Tin Soldiers...' Much appreciated. - Vorcla Thank you... - Vorcla Haven't given you anything in a while. Thanks for being here... - Vorcla Merry (belated) Christmas and a Happy New Year, Jeanne. Miss you... - Vorcla 
Troop and Military Support - Amber Alert - Bladder Cancer - Endometriosis - Equality - Liver Cancer - Liver Disease - Missing Children - POW/MIA - Spina Bifida - Suicide - jeannerené 
Re: Lucas

Oh my ... how heartbreaking! I really can't imagine, emotionally, how I would feel given and then stripped of such life-changing news. Yes, I can understand that the mom was freightened and I do hope that she and her son are doing well.

Your poem is loving toward both mom and son. You've taken a very direct and simply approach to this unforgettable moment, which as is should be .... clear, honest and heartfelt. You let us feel the heartbreak.

I do hope all is well.

.jeanne
__________________
She and I have moved our hips with slow, slide-to-slide satisfaction,
the phantom impression of side slung babes forever seen in our nakedness.


Reply With Quote
Old 17-06-2009, 09:44 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Seems to be. Jan showed up at that festival we played, but didn't stick around to talk. I know she got a new job, which helps, and got Lucas enrolled in some programs. I told her to call me if she needed some help. Funny - I got attached to that little guy almost immediately. It was a shattering experience.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Old 13-08-2009, 03:37 PM
Dark-huntress's Avatar
Is Painting Words
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: existing only in your wildest imagination.
Posts: 1,610
Dark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary member
Points: 137,674.05
Bank: 0.00
Total Points: 137,674.05
For giving me rep on 'Just Like Lightning.' It's really not that good and I appreciate the sympathy, haha. - Alex Hey, Sweetie! How's it going? - Vorcla Misshoo...  :( - Vorcla *hugs* and Thanks - Kalinda Nice to see you back, dear... - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to Dark-huntress Send a message via Skype™ to Dark-huntress
Re: Lucas

love, love this poem. i love poems that tell a story. i especially like the way you described the kid/baby.
__________________
My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
Reply With Quote
Old 13-08-2009, 11:38 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Thanks, Shimmee. Much appreciated. He's a cute little guy.
Reply With Quote
Old 14-08-2009, 12:10 AM
Dark-huntress's Avatar
Is Painting Words
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: existing only in your wildest imagination.
Posts: 1,610
Dark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary memberDark-huntress is an Honorary member
Points: 137,674.05
Bank: 0.00
Total Points: 137,674.05
For giving me rep on 'Just Like Lightning.' It's really not that good and I appreciate the sympathy, haha. - Alex Hey, Sweetie! How's it going? - Vorcla Misshoo...  :( - Vorcla *hugs* and Thanks - Kalinda Nice to see you back, dear... - Vorcla 
Send a message via MSN to Dark-huntress Send a message via Skype™ to Dark-huntress
Re: Lucas

is this based on true life?
__________________
My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
Reply With Quote
Old 14-08-2009, 04:04 AM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Yes - I'll PM you and send pictures.
Reply With Quote
Old 14-08-2009, 01:15 PM
smokeytehmonstr's Avatar
lover undercover
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Indiana
Posts: 829
smokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary membersmokeytehmonstr is an Honorary member
Points: 100,654.64
Bank: 9,466.18
Total Points: 110,120.82
For the Apartment story. - Gurdit If there's ever a popularity contest, vote for me...or Nupur. :D - Gurdit this is a blueberry cheesecake icecream. i made it myself. thanks for the rep =) - Abuel Wish we had more people like you here...people who comment without having a gun held to their heads. Thanks, man. - Vorcla your honest with your reviews i like that. and when you like something you really tell me. thanks, very much appreciated! - Dark-huntress 
Send a message via MSN to smokeytehmonstr Send a message via Skype™ to smokeytehmonstr
Re: Lucas

I'm SOOOOO late getting to this, so I'll keep it short: damn near flawless. I really do like iwrite4areason's suggestions, though--I think making the final line a statement makes the point stronger. Well written and powerful, Rick. And I'm very sorry you had to go through this situation.
__________________
"True progress means / matching the world to / the vision in our heads / but we always change / the vision instead"

-Thrice, "Circles"
Reply With Quote
Old 14-08-2009, 01:22 PM
Vorcla's Avatar
Bri's Dark Angel
Photobucket
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 5,395
Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!Vorcla is so hot right now!
Points: 685,139.41
Bank: 81,562,145.53
Total Points: 82,247,284.94
Happy burthday! You're like superman you can get thru anything! Don't you ever forget that. xo - Dark-huntress Sending good wishes and thoughts - Kalinda Just, for you, I see you.  Bet wishes. - Lubesh Why can we give these as gifts?  I hate doing headrolls, there's always that one angle you bend to and you're like "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?"  Likewise, because I can =P - 'Ginnis Awesome news, Rick! - Kalinda 
Send a message via MSN to Vorcla
Re: Lucas

Done; I meant to get to that after Kit's suggestion, and didn't. Thanks for the reminder, Austin. And thanks for the read and comment.
__________________
.

"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."



.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
None

LinkBacks (?)
LinkBack to this Thread: http://www.storiesmania.net/community/reading-corner/poetic-cafe-advanced-verse/heartbreak-sorrow/14720-lucas.html
Posted By For Type Date
StoriesMania - short stories, poems, essays, scripts and online fiction This thread Refback 18-04-2009 07:51 AM


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT +9. The time now is 09:37 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.1.0 ©2007, Crawlability, Inc.
A vBSkinworks Design
Copyright © 1999 - 2009, StoriesMania.Net