[Rain]

My depth perception fades, as happy thoughts sink into an ocean of failure.
My hate is full, yet strong feelings of love sleep beneath them.
My head is aching, and my bones are breaking, yet I stand.
My mind is spiraling, as pictures and letters burn in a fire that I fear.
My words stutter, my whispers shake, as your memory breathes on my neck.

Your words taunt, and your face laughs at my stinging humiliation
Your eyes giggle, and your voice shakes me to my very core.
Your hands strangle, until it feels as if I’ve fallen asleep.
Your picture pains me to look at, and your smile grins bitterly.
Your presence makes me suicidal, and being with you makes me want to cry.

My depth perception fades, as do I.

[Lubesh]

Very very nice!

[Rain]

Thanks, and it hasn't even been up for 5 minutes!

[RENA HANDS]

I think you mean ‘your,’ here…as your memory breathes on my neck. Or else you are saying…as you are memory breathes on my neck.

For me and only me, I see very strong imagery, but the delivery is repetitive and I think not in the instance you need to be. I don’t know how else you could execute these emotions/imagery/actions but I suppose taking the more simpler way of saying what’s on the heart of your character is appropriate here too. So for that well done.

[Rain]

Thank you for finding that Rena I had not noticed I put "you're" there. Thanks!

[Jimbalaya]

That was...painful. I guess what I mean is you have done an incredible job with the emotions of this piece. It is very deep, and full of emotional pain and sorrow yet somehow quite beautiful. Nice job.

[Rain]

Thanks Jim.

[Nupur]

Somehow I liked the repetition. I like the format of this one-first stanza in first person and the second one in second person.

I love ow you began this:

My depth perception fades, as happy thoughts sink into an ocean of failure.

Lovely metaphor there and it does create a brilliant image.

I like the entire first stanza. Every line is truly wonderful and well thought out. But it does go a little downhill in stanza two. Perhaps you have set the bar too high with the first stanza. Overall, I like it, specially the beginning. Nicely done, Tay.

[Rain]

Thank you I personally liked the first stanza also, and that first line was my favorite as well... . Thanks!

[Blink]

Hey man, I have to agree with Nupur the first stanza was brilliant, second kinda dimmed down on the brilliance level, but I can see where it would feel almost incomplete without it, I thought "What would it be like if he took it out?" and it didn't look very good. Nice job, bro.

[Peppy]

Yes, this is a good read on a Rain-y day. Good metaphors in the beginning, invovling the character's feelings moreso. Good imaging in the second part with the person who hurt the "poet". Makes me sympathize for him.

Hmmmmm...

Cool .

[Vorcla]

I've been meaning to get to this; I'm juggling too many balls in the air right now. I like the short, punchy phrases at the beginnings of the lines. It emphasizes, at least for me, the urgency of the emotion here. Your phrasing is becoming more fluid as you go along, and your imagery is becoming more picturesque and complex. You're evolving!

Nice job...