[dearest]

I am responsible
It’s my fault
I wasn’t always like this,
Screaming wordlessly
As the gun bucks in my loose grip
And a warm body hits the floor
I didn’t mean to do it,
I swear I didn’t see
The gray-haired security guard
Fumbling for his keys
And trigger finger frightened
I shot into the dark
I am responsible
I wasn’t always like this
I used to be responsible

My ears are ringing
from the thunderclap of sound
What have we done?
What have I done?
My wife, my sweetheart
gunned him down
But I am responsible
I lost my job, my self-esteem
We have no money
We must be crazy
Alarms are ringing

We, he and me,
Stare at the steadily spreading stain
I wonder if he had a name?
His wallet, half open,
Accuses me
A photo of a young girl
Barely thirteen
Brings me to my knees
You grab my hand
And lead me through
The tellers’ booths
Bills litter the floor
Like leaves in fall
We leave them all
And run for the door

I slam the pedal to the floor
As rubber burns and smokes
The engine chokes and sirens scream
Somewhere behind us, gaining fast
Sirens scream somewhere behind us
You're in shock,
Still holding the gun
Tears on your cheeks
Blood on your dress
Blood on my hands
Oh, God, I got you into this!
How can you ever forgive me?

I can tell you’re watching me
From the corner of your eye
Waiting for the snap
I’m damaged goods
And I’m damaged good
Will I always look like this to you?
A woman painted black and blue
“Bobbie Sue shot a man in Texas
Bobbie Sue took the money and run”
You’re fumbling with the radio dial
When our eyes meet
In a rearview mirror
Painted police red and blue
The sirens think I’m crazy too

Your eyes are vacant, scared
I wish I could hold you, but all I can do is drive
What happened to happily ever after?
We had our whole lives ahead of us,
Until they pulled the rug out
A bank - we had to be crazy
I glance in the mirror
They're close, and...a shotgun?
I can't believe they'd...

You’ve lost control
And we’ve all lost control
And the world is spinning
Out from underneath us
A guardrail crumples the front bumper
The sirens seem so far away
When I look in horror at your face
Your eyes are empty
And blood trickles down your cheek
But I remember how things used to be
A brand new home, a whole new life
A bright young husband and his sweet young wife
As I look into your eyes
I see what might have been
My fingers ache to stroke your cheek
But I can’t seem to move my hands

This morning
While we were packing
I was so nervous and afraid
That I forgot to say
I love you

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A comment from Vorcla:

I enjoyed this co-write immensely, just as I did the last time. Tricia is a joy to work with. For some reason I can push myself to work at a higher level than I can when I work alone. Probably because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of such a talented writer! ^_^ I think this one was even easier to write than our first effort, and just as much fun, if not moreso. Please enjoy it, and let us know what you thought.

Rick


A comment from dearest:

I most definitely enjoyed writing with Rick again. He'll try to tell you that he's challenged to write his best when we cowrite, but actually it's me who feels challenged. He does such great work, so I always bring my A-game when we write together. Can't disappoint. ^_^ Anyway, I hope YOU, lovely readers, weren't disappointed, and enjoyed our latest effort. Thanks for reading.

Tricia

[Lubesh]

Bonnie and clyde....loved the last bit tho, but the epic was an epic. I enjoy these...next!lol

[Hurricane]

OMG! You guys have really out done yourself this time! It was like a whole movie played out in front of me. It was so emotional it made me cry.Nice job ^_^

[Rain]

That was really cool guys, it was like a movie in a few minutes like Hurricane said. Tricia, I would suggest you add a little punctuation in your stanzas, because although it was brilliant, it AT TIMES most certainly could've used a little more, I know you were just having fun with it but for me it was a tiny bit tough to read at times, sorry! Don't hate me! . Rick, I liked how you seemed to ask a lot of questions, like a person in that situation would be running through in their head, I thought you brought that to the poem pretty amazingly, made it feel so real. And guys the last stanza was amazing, period. So far from what I've seen you guys are a dynamite duo. Great piece!

[dearest]

Thanks Lubesh, Hurricane, and Rain for reading! Yep, it's a whole mini movie. ^_^ About the punctuation issue you raised Rain, yeah, I know. I usually don't include much (if any) punctuation in my stuff, just personal preference. But I will take a look at using a few strategically placed periods to make it more readable (sigh, if I have to. ^_^). No, really, thanks for the comment. I love getting helpful criticism, don't get enough of it. You're my favorite person today. ^_^

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

Bonnie and clyde....loved the last bit tho, but the epic was an epic. I enjoy these...next!lol

Thank you. There will be more to come, Lu. I made Tricia sign a contract - no way am I letting a writing partner like that get away! ^_^ Seriously, both of us enjoy it so much, we intend to keep at it.

Originally Posted by Hurricane

OMG! You guys have really out done yourself this time! It was like a whole movie played out in front of me. It was so emotional it made me cry.Nice job ^_^

Thanks, Katrina. We didn't mean to make you cry, but we do "sad" pretty well. Thanks again.

Originally Posted by Rain

That was really cool guys, it was like a movie in a few minutes like Hurricane said. Tricia, I would suggest you add a little punctuation in your stanzas, because although it was brilliant, it AT TIMES most certainly could've used a little more, I know you were just having fun with it but for me it was a tiny bit tough to read at times, sorry! Don't hate me! . Rick, I liked how you seemed to ask a lot of questions, like a person in that situation would be running through in their head, I thought you brought that to the poem pretty amazingly, made it feel so real. And guys the last stanza was amazing, period. So far from what I've seen you guys are a dynamite duo. Great piece!

Thanks, Tay - we really appreciate it. We sketched the whole thing out ahead of time, like a movie, and tried to be cinematic about it. We kind of figured, "What would make people sit up and take notice?" and we decided, "Sweet little Tricia, all 5'2" of her, blowing away a security guard! ^_^ BTW - she really does know how to shoot!

As far as that amazing last stanza goes, that's all Tricia. She is pretty darned amazing, isn't she? When I saw that last stanza coming across MSN, I clutched up. Really grabs you. The way she details emotions...Gaaahhhh! So good she gives me goosebumps.

[RENA HANDS]

Another FABULOUS creation the two of you have posted here.

A quick question…I’m damaged goods

And I’m damaged good (Shouldn’t there be an S here after good?)

The imagery…MARVELOUS!

The emotional potency of two separate, but one character (husband and wife)…SUPERB!

I give a rating of 5/5 not that you either one of you ever need a rating. Each of you whether together in posting or separate…manage GREAT writes.

[dearest]

Thanks Rena ^_^

Ah, I'm using incorrect grammar here on purpose. "I'm damaged good", "good" being the informal "well" here, to make a play on goods/good.

I ALWAYS appreciate your ratings, don't stop, I love em! ^_^

[Vorcla]

Thanks, RENA. We both appreciate the kudos.

[iwrite4areason]

How heartbreaking! I must say that this is a very interesting poem, quite unlike the last one I read from you both!

The last line is particularly interesting.

This morning
While we were packing
I was so nervous and afraid
That I forgot to say
I love you

I haven't decided if I love it or hate it! On one hand it seems to show how even people like this have a heart as well, that they live, breathe and feel too.
On the other hand, it really doesn't seem to fit the poem at all. It seems too clichee.

Over all this is a very intruiging poem. Not quite my preference, but quality work and well written!

[Vorcla]

Thanks, Kit. Tricia and I decided to try something out of character and a little edgy. The last line is most likely the wife's last conscious thought, as she's been shot as well. It gets your attention. Thanks again for the read!

[Zoidberg]

This is the kind of poetry I enjoy. A sort of narrative, movie style.

I really enjoyed this, a lot like Bonnie and Clyde. It was incredibly emotional, and I simply loved it.

I loved how the poem's stanzas were set up, showing thoughts from each person.

The final stanza was simply heart-wrenching.

From Rick, I enjoyed:

What have we done?
What have I done?
My wife, my sweetheart
gunned him down
But I am responsible

It shows how this man realizes that he has caused absolute dissent in his own character and his wive's.

And from Tricia (I didn't realize that was your name...) I loved:

Painted police red and blue
The sirens think I’m crazy too

I liked how it show's the womans paranoia after the event, and I loved the imagery of "Painted police red and blue" along with the personification of the sirens.

Absolutely Magnificent work, and I will get right on with your other cowrite.

You know, the theme almost reminds me of the end of Sweeney Todd, somewhat.

[Jimbalaya]

Well, there were things I liked about it, some things I didn't. The punctuation (or lack thereof) didn't bother me at all. I loved how it playd out, the little bit of history thrown in throughout, definately had a bonnie and clyde feel to it except it was more...real, if that makes sense.

I guess what I mean is, Bonnie and Clyde were ruthless, they liked what they did, they were proud of it. These two characters are shamed by it, they didn't want it to happen but were at the end of their rope, in their eyes there was nothing else they could do.

What I really loved about it was how, later on in the poem, it became choppy, sort of like looking at a series of photographs about the same subject but shot by two different people. Only in the beginning, the photos were tightly shot, close together. Later on, and this really made it wonder for me, it's like the there were a couple of photos missing from the series, then the story picked up again. There were times that I had to stop and wonder what had happend in the part that was missing.

I'm not saying put the missing photos in there, that would totally ruin it. It is tight in the beginning, the images between husband and wife, but later they begin to drift apart, spread themselves out. I hope that makes sense, it's the best way I can put it.

Overall, I liked the beginning, but I absolutly loved the latter half and the end. Wonderful work, you two!

[dearest]

Thanks Kit, Dan, and Jim. I've really got to keep up with these! ^_^

What you guys have said is pretty much exactly what we were going for. I think we even threw around the idea of 'Bonnie and Clyde revisited', but with more sympathetic leads.

Kit - Thanks a bunch for reading! I feel the same way that you do about the last stanza. I SERIOUSLY debated including it, but ended up sticking it in there anyways, just as her last disconnected thought. She's kind of having that 'life flashing before your eyes' experience, and this the image that sticks in her head.

Dan - Love the name change. ^_^ We weren't really going for Sweeney Todd, but, you know, I think you're right. Does have that sort of macabre theatrical sweep to it, doesn't it?

Jim - Thanks for reading, always love to see your comments. ^_^ I see what you mean about the 'snapshots' thing. We wanted them to seem more disconnected as the poem went on, but I don't think we realized to what extent that actually happened. ^_^ You might be right about the missing photos; we didn't want it to run too long, and we wanted to pick up the pace after they left the bank, so that was the thought process behind some of the ommissions (aka. how'd they get the getaway car?, where were they driving to? etc.) I hope it still makes sense, even with those missing pieces.

Again, everyone, thanks SO much for the comments!