Gentle whisper, gentle sigh,
gentle as you hint goodbye -
When fortune folds and hearts do cry,
gentle as the pain arrives.
Haunted whisper, haunted sigh,
haunted as you hint goodbye-
When morning breaks and eyes do lie,
haunted as the end arrives.
Frozen moment, frozen time,
frozen as we kiss goodbye-
There and gone my heart does cry,
frozen as our love subsides.
Final moment, final time,
final chance to kiss goodbye-
There and gone my eyes are dry,
finally my freedom flies.
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
This is gorgeous. It trips off the tongue when you read it aloud (my poetry acid test). To paraphrase "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," "you could even say it flows!" ^_^ Very lilting feel to it. There's a simplicity about it that's endearing. Your meter and rhythms are so clean, and that always-elegant language of yours is brought to the fore.
I wish I had written it.
Welcome back!
__________________
.
"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
Thank you very much! I was concerned it may be a bit too repetitive but when I tried tweaking it, it just did not seem right any other way. Thank you very much, hun
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
That was very cool, Bri, but sort of sad until the end. Chock full of emotion and wonderful to read. I smiled at the end, "finally my freedom flies". That was perfect. Loved it!
__________________
Go vote on a challenge or will eat you!
Quote:
Oh...you...you...you BIG BAD WOLF! Bad girl! You go potty on the paper! BAD Girl!!!
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
Wow! This is an amazing poem!! I was captivated by your ways of using the same words/lines to contain different meanings. I have to admit, the ending shocked me a little bit..I was expecting something a bit more sad. But this end works as well...
I don't really have any criticism...just a suggestion really. What if you added a comma after the 3rd repeated word in every stanza? For example
Quote:
Gentle whisper, gentle sigh,
gentle, as you hint goodbye -
I found myself pausing there naturally, and I think the text should reflect that.
Amazing poem, really! It flows so easily and tugs at the heart strings. This is my favorite of yours that I've read so far...
__________________
Do not overlook the obvious solution...
Thank you both very much for the kind words I will have to consider the additional comma, for some reason I am not pausing there when reading but maybe that's just me?!
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
Thank you both very much for the kind words I will have to consider the additional comma, for some reason I am not pausing there when reading but maybe that's just me?!
Nope, I didn't pause while reading I thought it flowed through and through. UNTIL() the last line, I thought it through the flow off a little bit, but it was alright because it ended the poem very nicely, I thought. Terrific job. I know I had read this before but didn't comment. :|
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
This is lovely. It speaks of sadness, but with a gentleness that lets all the love felt still linger at the surface. I enjoyed the repetition and believe you've formatted quite well. Repetition is tricky ... and many time it does not work, but this is a fine example of its working to further let the reader be placed firmly into the emotion.
It a great poem to read out loud.
.jeanne.
Last edited by jeannerené; 12-03-2009 at 08:06 AM.
Ethereal. I think that’s the best way, (although limiting), I can give a single descriptor to your poetry. It makes me feel as if I’ve been kissed by some otherworldly ghost, left with nothing but a chill on my lips. I think the biggest thing that hit me, after so long away. Is the perfection of your form. The words, descriptions and images, seemed all to court around it. It was marvellously intricate and well done.
Did you make it up, or is it a certain form? All I know is that it flowed like water, and fit perfectly with the I-was-just-kissed-by-the-ghost-of-the-ice-queen feeling. But more than that under the innate images of otherworld creatures that your poems always inspire in me. Was a rawer, keener, sadder realism. That was alsmot more hard-hitting after the ethereal (there it is again!) feeling was lulled away and the reality was left.
So sad. So beautiful. So perfect.
My favourite bit was:
Quote:
Gentle whisper, gentle sigh,
gentle as you hint goodbye -
When fortune folds and hearts do cry,
gentle as the pain arrives.
Haunted whisper, haunted sigh,
haunted as you hint goodbye-
When morning breaks and eyes do lie,
haunted as the end arrives.
Frozen moment, frozen time,
frozen as we kiss goodbye-
There and gone my heart does cry,
frozen as our love subsides.
Final moment, final time,
final chance to kiss goodbye-
There and gone my eyes are dry,
finally my freedom flies.
Really, it was all so good.
(Plus it makes my comment look so much bigger than it actually is.)
I loved it. Thanks.
__________________
"Snip! Snap! Snip! the scissors go;
And Conrad cries out - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Snip! Snap! Snip! They go so fast;
That both his thumbs are off at last.
Mamma comes home; there Conrad stands,
And looks quite sad, and shows his hands;-
"Ah!" said Mamma "I knew he'd come
To naughty little Suck-a-Thumb." - The Story of Suck-a-Thumb, Heinrich Hoffman
Jeanne, I agree repetition can be tricky. I am glad you enjoyed this and officially pleased to meet you! Look forward to seeing you around here!
Thank you so much Chris. No, this is not any particular form just something I followed after the initial stanza. I guess it reflected my mindset, that same moment playing over and over and yet unfolding into a different emotion each time, that initial ache, and then resentment, followed by the heartbreak and finality of goodbye and yet the freedom that brings. For me, sometimes when my emotions are overflowing it takes some sort of form to harness them and get them out - which is ultimately what writing is for me, that release of pent up feelings.
Thank you for the amazing review and the compliments - I missed your poetic grace and the way you always seen through my words and in turn inspire me as well. Keeping my fingers crossed for your net connection's return!
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
What can i say? Absolutley loved it, very sincere in the imagery
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
will eat you!
Thank you so much Chris. No, this is not any particular form just something I followed after the initial stanza. I guess it reflected my mindset, that same moment playing over and over and yet unfolding into a different emotion each time, that initial ache, and then resentment, followed by the heartbreak and finality of goodbye and yet the freedom that brings. For me, sometimes when my emotions are overflowing it takes some sort of form to harness them and get them out - which is ultimately what writing is for me, that release of pent up feelings. 
and the way you always seen through my words and in turn inspire me as well. Keeping my fingers crossed for your net connection's return!
Re: [PICK] In Flight
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