You already know how I feel about this one, so I'll keep it short. The language, the way you've constructed phrases is lovely, and the shortness line lengths reads like gulping for air, like each word is a struggle. I can imagine that it was. But regardless of circumstances, the quality is outstanding. It's your best. It's beautiful in the truest sense of the word.
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Your battles inspired me - not the obvious material battles
but those that were fought and won behind your forehead.
Something I see it really good writers(on this site people like Lu, Tricia, Bri, Chris, Nupur, ect ect ect there are so many)is that they have their style, and you certainly have your own. You complete it with simple phrases and emotion, simplicity, emotion, heartbreaking themes, but from a mature standpoint, but mature in a sense that it still shows the vulnerable person inside of you. And people can usually relate to your poems, something I find great. That sums up what I think about this.
Fantastic job, Rick, you definitely took some things you saw from Tricia here because you get better all the time. This isn't your best, but it shows that your so consistent with your poetry. I think I may be falling behind a little bit.
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
You capture emotion beautifully with this one, and it vibrates within me as I read. You used the simple style to haunting advantage, and to cut into one soul. Excellent work Rick.
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Time; an elusive element to a creative mind. For the story burns to be expressed, flooding the mind, seeking an outlet. Red brimmed eyes and dark circles fore-tells a deeper story, echoed in a mirrors reflection. - my story.
Tay: Thanks - I hope I am learning from Tricia, because she's one of the best there is. I feel like I'm starting to get my sea legs where poetry's concerned.
Claire: Thank you, hon. You know how much I appreciate it. "Cut into one soul" - very apt description. The cut is very deep.
Kat: Thank you, hon. Love you too.
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
Pink floyd intruded deliberately or not, after that i got into this and the tugs were eveident and have been there before. hopefully time and healing and more super writing might help...who knows, either way, poetic but intensely physical in its sadness.
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Here where U say, where ur female says, ‘You still love me,’ you say, ‘but it’s for the best.’ (Perhaps too put this line of speech into a set of quotations as you have done previously in the first stanza?
Also, what about here…
I kiss you; then with my slipping hands, I release you. (?)
INCREDIBLE Imagery and expressions, executions of the ‘broken-hearted.’
A rating too FIVE of FIVE.
*I wonder, does the color 'blue' have any significance to ur write?
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If you'd like to express Yourself ...please call 1-800-WHATEVER (lol)
I have to agree with everyone who posted here. I like the short phrases you have used and they do have a lot of significance like Tricia mentioned. I'm sure the people who don't know about the circumstances under which you wrote this can easily gauge what exactly it was like. All the feelings and emotions come out clearly and so does your vulnerable side... and all of it looks lovely in verse form.
Quote:
You've stared into
the abyss,
looked down,
hanging onto the
ledge by your fingernails.
I like to think
I helped pull
you
back.
My favourite stanza. I love everything about this, the pure emotion, the anguish of losing someone you love... beautiful and heartfelt, just the way I like poetry.
This made me feel something, or more significantly, grasp for something. It was sort of like grappling, like scaling a mountain with nothing to hold onto? Hand holds made of sheer rock and weeds that could never hold you. I think that’s how it made me feel. Like the narrator could feel the fear jutting their spine and pulling them downwards but kept grappling for something in the relationship to hold onto? Like desperation. To make it work, to make the other see it’s worth it.
Something that Tricia said, really hit home, about your phrasing. How it’s like gulping for air. Brilliant form, especially, when you section it with phrases like “suffocating”. It almost made me feel like I was having an asthma attack. The fragmented lines were great. Sometimes I worry about the lack of rhythm of your poetry, as if your try and turn it into prose, when it’s so obviously not. It’s poetry. But you put your own stamp on it. Well done. What a lovely, moving, touching poem to read after so long a break. Awesome, Rick.
(Great title by the way Rick, but now I need a ventilator)
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"Snip! Snap! Snip! the scissors go;
And Conrad cries out - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Snip! Snap! Snip! They go so fast;
That both his thumbs are off at last.
Mamma comes home; there Conrad stands,
And looks quite sad, and shows his hands;-
"Ah!" said Mamma "I knew he'd come
To naughty little Suck-a-Thumb." - The Story of Suck-a-Thumb, Heinrich Hoffman
This is exact poetry, as in the def. of beauty. Made me very emotional(fragmented sentence, consider rewriting). I struggle to keep things simple. Verbiage, unfamiliar verbs and such, can be nice. But this, is amazing as it it universal in understanding and empathy/sympathy with all those who can read English language. I am ready for REM sleep, need to keep.....sorry. Anyways, I will attempt this style, I admire it. Very nice. Seems to have, no, it does have, much truth to it.
Thank you, I'm flattered. This was written after and actual event, which is why the pain seems so real. Unfortunately the happy ending went bad when the young lady in question, my love of two years, moved out to live with an old boyfriend in Montana and committed suicide in September...
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
I agree with all that is written........ there is much to be said for allowing it to be so simple yet so thought provoking.....a definite enjoyable read
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I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Thanks, Kal and Pyscosis. This has been a hell of a rollercoaster year. Now Lizzie's dead, and this poem becomes more poignant still - and harder for me to read.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
I don't know what to say.. this poem.. it was just... I have been sitting here for about ten minutes... Rick it was a wonderful... you touched me with this poem...
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
Thanks, Minx. I wrote this when my lady friend of two years left me. She moved back in, and things looked like maybe they would straighten out. Then she moved out again in August, moved to Montana to be with an old boyfriend.
In September she hanged herself...
Still seems like it's all just a nightmare. One morning I'll wake up and she'll be lying right next to me in bed.
That hasn't happened yet...
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
*hug* Your welcome. In decemeber I lost a good friend. She was in mexico and her heart stopped just stopped. I know the feeling of one day they are just going to walk in the door.
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
Rick, this is beautiful. I think this is my favorite of your pieces. It really touched, I could feel all they emotions, you just made your message so clear...It was brilliant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vorcla
Our fingers entwine.
I memorize your
face through my
tears,
in case I never
see you again.
I am suffocating...
I can identify with this so much, I hate that feeling, standing there...just really great piece.
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and you're the one who showed to me the sky
it's so much more than you and i
and darling i wish i had the time
the river is whispering goodbye
*Try and stop me*
Re: Air
Linear Mode
