Numbness - StoriesMania - short stories, poems, essays, scripts and online fiction

Emily · #1 (**permalink**) 18-04-2009, 09:34 AM

All I am is an empty shell of nothing,
like waves crashing over me,
like the beach where we swam -
swam until our bones were numb,
the same emptiness, emotionless feeling -
all I am is an empty shell of nothing.

Vorcla · #2 (**permalink**) 18-04-2009, 08:32 PM

Nice little miniature. You do a really good job of expressing your emotions, and the style is clean and uncluttered. Good job on this, Emily.

Dala Isyrias · #3 (**permalink**) 19-04-2009, 03:21 AM

My one problem is, numbness is something you can't feel, as it is the absence of sensory. So, find a different word, and this piece would be perfect

lol

Emily · #4 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 01:11 PM

i Guess i see where you get that, but i guess numbness can kinda feel like a kind of constant buzzing that nothing can penatrate... if that makes sense?

jeannerené · #5 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emily

All I feel is numbness,
like waves crashing over me,
like the beach where we swam -
swam until our bones felt numb,
the same numbness I feel now -
all I feel is numbness.

Perhaps just a simple change ... instead of "I feel" ... to I am vacant/I am empty/I am vacuous ... etc ...

... and then ...

instead of "bones felt numb" ... to ... bones are numb

......... simply get rid of the word "feel" and use something else in its place.

All in all you have a good start and I believe with a little effort you can revise and keep the tone of your poem intact. I hope to catch your revision

.jeanne.

Emily · #6 (**permalink**) 03-05-2009, 02:11 PM

Thanks, i made some more changes.... i'm not entirely sure about it, tell me what u think

iwrite4areason · #7 (**permalink**) 30-05-2009, 07:33 AM

I'm not sure how it was before you changed it, but I like the way that it is now. It is simple but filled with depth. The repetition of the first and last lines is very effective as well. I especially liked how you repeated the word "swam" at the end of the third line as the first word of the fourth. It just flows so well!! Nice poem Emily!