I really enjoyed the way you wove your stanzas here. The beginning and end words tied it all together, and the use of 'walls' which is an incredible image in itself. I already see growth in your poetry just from the last one I edited to this, you have found your footing on form and repetition, as well as channeling the images. I look forward to much more from you!
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"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
thank you! thank you! your comments are very much appreciated. i always thought of rooms that had bad things happen inside them and if they could talk they would tell us exactly what happened within. now wouldn't police men and detectives like that? lol
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
I absolutely love this piece.......You painted a vivd pictures all over those walls.
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I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
I love the way your mind works in your writing......There is much despair and disdain and yet you manage to intertwine it with common sense and reality........Keep up the writing so I have more to read
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I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
You have a very fluid imagination, and that really benefits your poetry, because it translates over into your writing style. Good descriptors and images here, very evocative. Using walls as your main metaphor was inspired. Like Bri said, your poetry is evolving. I like this one a lot.
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"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset..."
I loved the repetition of "within" in a few stanzas. I don't know why but that jumped out at me. I think your broke this down so nicely, you covered so many "if walls had" that it really completed the piece very nicely. Good stuff!
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
Might I suggest revising your punctuation? It tends to get a little confusing as to what you really mean and slows down the reader too much. Here is one suggestion:
Quote:
If these walls could talk
they would let you in ondelete ,
the madness, the screams
and all the suicidal things
that came to pass within.
Just an example of a way to tone down your stanzas a bit. All in all, this is beautifully written and filled with a distinct angst that keeps the reader fixated. Nice imagery and personification of the walls. I like!
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Do not overlook the obvious solution...
thank you rain and iwriteforareason.
mmmhm i havent slept at all, not a good time to revise i know
i will come back and look at the things you suggested. and oh yeah thank you bytheway for suggestions =). will come back to them.
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
~_~ dark, very dark. The light repetition seemed to connect the stanzas, and the descriptive words really set the mood (I have do idea what I'm saying). Poetry seems quite interesting. Congratz Abuel, you've sparked my interest!
__________________ "I generally sleep, eat, and sleep when I get tired of the other two..."
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