[PICK] 16 days since She died

[Dark-huntress]

Buried alive, inside my self-made grave.
Nailed in, cemented, chained I cannot be saved.
The soil weighted down further by my burden, in my grief.
All living things avoid my marble stone, even thieves.

Not one single flower, worm, ant even weed.
Death reoccurring, over and over, to everything, ever
growing seed.
Their leaves grow, wilt, droop, fall and die.
I feel like that single leaf, but why?



I feel like that single leaf, but why?



I’m still scratching the wooden coffin that surrounds me.
Darkness swallowed my life, my soul – I cannot see

What life? What soul? A million lives, not one single soul.
4 million deaths, a single breath, my heart always cold.

I seize my scratching, my fear, my screams.
I close my eyes (though there is no difference) and begin to
dream.
I see a single mourner above my grave looking down.
He does not move, He does not speak.
My distant screaming is the only sound.



My distant screaming is the only sound.



He drops a dried, dead rose upon my grave.
Somehow it is something I yearn, need and crave.
Why can I not touch those crimson petals? Those blood-
seared thorns? Are we not the same
Dead, forgotten, destined from the day we were born.



Dead, forgotten, destined from the day we were born.



The petal falls, and rests in my soiled hands.
They crumble to pieces and turn into sand,
The mourner, he has gone, he has left.
Leaving nothing only sadness, a lost love and death.

a lost love and death

a lost love and death

[Dylan Vorcla]

Oooohhh...dark and dusty and scary, actually. I'm thinking that you're not only referring to being literally buried alive here, but metaphorically too. Nice use of poetic language, and very descriptive. Good job, Abuel.

[iwrite4areason]

I can see the internal burial going on here too! Wow. I like the repetitiveness and italics for emphasis. I was confused by this line though

Not one single flower, worm, ant even weed.

This seems like a fragment that is missing some words... what do you mean here??

Other than that, this is a GREAT poem! So easy to read, yet takes depth to understand! Quite a feat Abuel!

[Dark-huntress]

iwrite4areason thanks so much! your comment is very much appreciated. =)

Originally Posted by iwrite4areason

I was confused by this line though

This seems like a fragment that is missing some words... what do you mean here??

oh it means that nothing grows (or comes) there near her marble stone.

[Lubesh]

The mourner, He has gone, He has left.

You have a few lines like this using a comma over a full stop given u use caps. Other than that for no other reason than grammatical, this was quite apoem, dark and rich with some majestic lines and sentiments and emotion in it.

[Emily]

whoa this one gave me chills, its pretty creeppy but its really fantastic!!

its so, i guess, darkly beautiful!

Great work!

[Dark-huntress]

I thought i posted a comment here thanking you guys? ahh well

thank you so much emily! =)


Thank you lubesh. this is great indeed coming from you because your an awesome poet!

EDIT:p.s i will fix it when i have the time. thanks.

[Peppy]

It was relentless and fluid. The poem rolls off the tongue in an appealing speed that there are no "drag-spots". Visual was excellent and content was awesome. Relatable, or at least understandable.

Nice piece, Abuek.

-

[Dark-huntress]

thank you so much peppy! =)

[Persephone]

Originally Posted by Abuel

[CENTER][B]
I feel like that single leaf but why?

could use a comma between 'leaf' and 'but'



I thought I was understanding it until this part:

What life? What soul? A million lives, not one single soul.
4 million deaths, a single breath, my heart always cold.

Is she then a metaphor for some great disaster or something?

Dead, forgotten, destined from the day we were born.

destined to what? They are both destined to love one another? Was there some great tragedy? Thats what I'm getting...did the woman do something wrong and betray the man see loved?

Interesting piece, dark and sad....almost lonely...

[Dark-huntress]

Hey persephone, thanks for taking the time to read&comment. There are many ways to interpret the poem. However when i wrote this, i had in mind on what happens after you die. there is no stopping it. death. its inevitable. stuff like that. it's not only about being buried after you die literally but i am speaking metaphorically too.

Originally Posted by Persephone

could use a comma between 'leaf' and 'but'

yeah! thanks for noticing that. will correct.

I thought I was understanding it until this part:


Is she then a metaphor for some great disaster or something?
No, she means people die everyday, everytime. There is no stopping it.



destined to what? They are both destined to love one another? Was there some great tragedy? Thats what I'm getting...did the woman do something wrong and betray the man see loved?

destined to die. It's nothing about betrayal.The man he mourns her certainly. and she looks forward to his visits because of his roses. they look very real to her. she craves it, when he leaves, she feels very alone.


Interesting piece, dark and sad....almost lonely...

Yeah thanks. ..its mostly about what happens after we die. and the woman/speaker because its only been 16 days since she died...i'm making her feel....basically she doesn't understand why this happened to her, and she feels bitter that she has been taken away from her loved ones. she feels like, shes chained, unable to do anything about it. she also realizes this has always been the destiny of every human being. 'dead, forgotten, from the day we were born'....for example when i say 'forgotten' i mean...your loved ones stop visiting you not as often or simple stop altogether once you die.

If you read the poem, you can see that there are many meanings hidden underneath. so many stuff but i'm too lazy to explain. i've got the flu. thanks for reading! =)

[Tay M.]

I've missed a brilliant young writer come to the site with amazing work, haven't I? I've been reviewing absent lately. And now I'm seeing what I missed!

In my opinion what I got from this was "no hope". It just was screaming at me the whole time. There's no hope, for anything, ever, it's torture. That's all that kept screaming at me. So I felt I should say that... Really enjoyed it, myself. Wonderful writing.

[Dark-huntress]

oh, thank you thank you Rain.

[sawreese]

What just happened?? Was I reading a poem? Sorry, I thought I was in a graveyard for a second... oh wait...

Very nicely done indeed. From the first to second stanzas, I was caught off guard by the sudden lengthening of the lines, but you followed through and kept the change alive.

As far as the actual content goes... well I think you can tell how I felt from the first comment. Rating... 9.4/10! first place of around 4 or five as far as poems go so far. I can see why this is a pick ^.^

[Vohkia04]

wow, there IS poetry that I like.

I actually did have a problem with the length of the lines, but that's probably because that's how I write.

I'll be honest, I didn't look for any deep meaning. I understood the theme (basically) then just read, which is why I liked it. It reads so easy, but it actually tells you what it's saying. Flowery, languagey crap doesn't get in the way.

Which is good.

[Dark-huntress]

oh sawreese, you flatterer! you just want me on your side forever on the silly sm takeover.

and Vohkia, yay! wow you commenting -in poetry. give me a movement to get over the shock...jk and for you to like a poem. and its mine. yay.


okay what i'm trying to say is thank you ya'll for commenting. =)

[Kalinda]

This is dark and beautiful. Either the image of someone dead or someone so detached from life that you feel dead. Eerie tone and images. The scratching, screaming claustrophobic feel works very well. Nicely done.