You know what, the first time I read this, I was a little put off by the asymmetry of the form, but you know, I think it makes sense. The two voices in the beginning make sense as the speaker struggles through this failing relationship. In the last two stanzas, he comes to terms with the fact that it's over, and very logically, the echoes are gone.
It makes sense! You were right. ^_^ To sum it up (sorry, I am REALLY tired and not making much sense): great planning and structure, and overall stellar work.
__________________
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I'm quite delighted I found this. This is something quite different from you since--the last the I read something from you--The Five Senses. I was taken aback from shock but it soon went away when I read it. As for what it could mean...I'm leaning toward that the left side as the events unfolding and the right, well, as the mind portion.
(Heh heh heh, I'm not sure about the things I say I just have to say them aloud.)
I read it quite differently than dearest (but I won't know surely because I don't usually read other people's comments unless I'm stumped). I thought it was about a dude who couldn't take the plunge, hence the title. Know what I mean? Or I could just be taking the whole piece to make it relatable to my past experiences.
Nice piece, Rain.
-
__________________
I want your horror
I want your design
‘Cause you’re a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
I read it quite differently than dearest (but I won't know surely because I don't usually read other people's comments unless I'm stumped). I thought it was about a dude who couldn't take the plunge, hence the title. Know what I mean? Or I could just be taking the whole piece to make it relatable to my past experiences.
Nice piece, Rain.
-
You got it. . Good stuff. Thanks for reading, Peppy.
__________________ I'll be kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made.
I sort of saw the form as an expression of bewilderment and disorientation, perhaps as a result of the title...but any way you slice it, I thought this was interesting and fluid. Loved this stanza:
Quote:
God thwarts me again...
Time runs out...
Of course, in the end,
blame is pointing its
finger at only one.
Says so much without needing to spell it out. Great work, Tay!
__________________
"True progress means / matching the world to / the vision in our heads / but we always change / the vision instead"
The form is a little unsettling when you just glance at it, but then when you dig in and read, the form fits the function. The theme matches that scattershot format, and it all works together well. Nice job, Tay.
__________________
.
"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset."
I absolutely loved this.....it was cinfusing to look at but great to read......a great example of not judging a book by its cover...... great work
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
LinkBack to this Thread: http://www.storiesmania.net/community/reading-corner/poetic-cafe-advanced-verse/heartbreak-sorrow/16296-i-barely-knew-you.html
Always appreciate it.
Re: And I Barely Knew You...
Linear Mode
