[BrokenParadox]

Seductively those glances of yours enchant,
Smoothing away my rages and rants.
You elude my hopes that advent near,
By forcing me down, more pain to hear.

Strangely you made me a stuttering fool,
And though inconsiderate, you kept your cool.
Your chilling touch erupted my senses.
You kept me calm, yet raped my expenses.

Will you kick me, obliterate me, while I'm down?
Or will you calm me, shield me from this silent sound?
Can you possibly understand how I feel for you?
No, it's not possible. You have no clue.

[Masa]

Ouch. I never bothered with love, thus never bothered with such pain... you better approach this little crush of yours and beat him up for the harm he caused you! Unless of course you wish me to do it... anger management can go so far no?

Beautiful, I followed along without any hiccup in the process, everything was smooth and well played. I like the end, because you declare he never knew anything... obliviousness sometimes isn't a virtue huh?

[BrokenParadox]

lol...this is fiction ^_^
I honestly don't like this poem. At all. But I felt guilty after posting it on myspace about a month back, so I decided to post it here. To clear my conscience. But thanks Masa, if I have any problems like that in the future I'll be sure to give you a call

[Masa]

It's poems like these tht make poets... uncomfortable about writing. Poetry, I think, has to do alot with pouring one's soul and beliefs into the work... and sometimes the things we see on paper upset people. I know some of my somewhat darker pieces made me kinda cringe before...

Masa will hang around by the phone, always waiting...

[Phonoho]

Merriam-Webster listed the word hither as an adjective or an adverb but showed no instance of a usage containing the suffix ing. Though it looks and sounds good, you may want to rephrase the line. Otherwise, a heart-wrenching piece BP.
Secret affections and unrequited love are time-honored poetic topics. In the sixth century BC, the Greek lyric poet Sappho, The Tenth Muse according to Plato, was a master at creating this emotion in her songs. Great reading.

[angel]

this is totally cool broken, lovely piece

kel

[BrokenParadox]

Thanks!
And um....yeah. I'll look into changing that word. I didn't know it wasn't a word, haha.
Hithering. It should be a word though. No?

[BrokenParadox]

What about slithering? Idk

[Lubesh]

You're guiding my hopes from slithering near,

I had trouble with this wholeline. if he's guiding/steerng her hopes to prevent them getting near then u have some wordsmissing i think

Preventing my hopes from ever being near
Your steerng my hopes from ever becoming near...typeof thing though abit long but grammaticlaly it didnt seem right to me .maybe lol

guiding my thoughts, ne'er to be near

Just two penneth but an overall nice piece u have there!

[BrokenParadox]

Agh, but but...hithering was a good word! *sniff* This sucks.
That's it! I'm making my own word.
Hithering is now part of my personal dictionary ^_^

[Phonoho]

Oh, come on, writing does involve work you know. Maybe you can get some ideas here- http://www.rhymezone.com/

[BrokenParadox]

Alrighty, I've changed it. ^_^ I wouldn't have left it that way, so don't think poorly of me.
How does it sound now?
And thank you for the site Phonoho!

[Corneac]

Really good rhythm. Strong and smooth. I loved the overall feel of it, but it is good to sometimes pick the clarifying phrase over the dramatic one, more truthful that way.

Man, I envy your rhythm though. It's pretty much perfect; this piece is rather beautiful in an eerie sort of way. Yeah, personally I think the guy in the poem needs a good wack in the head. That'll get his attention.

[BrokenParadox]

haha yes I believe that would do. And thank you corneac but...ah I don't know. Thank you ^_^

[katofmystery]

the rhyme in the poem helped to tie it together and I don't think it could be done quite the same without the rhyme! your sense of lust but don't touch was very good

two thumbs way up!!!

[BrokenParadox]

Yay! Thank you Kato! I like to use rhyme, it's kind of the only way I can make a poem worthy of reading.

[Corneac]

Personally I think hithering is a awesome word. Haha...keep it I say...