[Rakkasan]

Standing in rank, bead of sweat on brow;
how he got there, he doesn't know how.
Ducks in a row, each man waits his turn.
Then snow starts to fall while their faces still burn.

One after another, the snowflakes, they fall.
Seemingly to everyone, but not to them all.
In fact there stands one man alone in the bunch.
Will he catch him a snowflake? 'Not today' is his hunch.

These snowflakes are large, soldiers grab them with ease.
One soldier looks skyward and cries, "Oh God, please
just send me a snowflake, a small one will do,
to ease all my burning for a minute or two."

Although God had heard him, 'twas not in His plan
for a snowflake to land today on this young man.
But tomorrow's a new day, and all the men know
it's another chance to catch the desert's snow.

[SeaN]

Rakk I like this one. Considering, however, that I know now how superb a flow you are capable of, I'm gona push the envelope a little here.

First of all, I will speak first strictly of structure, then move on to your topic. As I started reading this, I wanted to fall into that very definitive rhythm- 4 beats per line it appears to me. Your first line threw me off a bit, then I found the rhythm. It's still just slightly choppy, and unlike your other poem, I stumbled a bit due to the flow. Take a look- I'll stress the beats as I interpreted them, and highlight the ones that don't quite fit in my head:

Standing in rank, bead of sweat on brow;
how he got there, he does-n't know how.
Ducks in a row, each man waits his turn.
Then snow starts to fall while their faces still burn.

One after another, the snowflakes, they fall.
Seemingly to everyone, but not to them all.
In fact there stands one man alone in the bunch.
Will he catch him a snowflake? 'Not today' is his hunch.

These snowflakes are large, soldiers grab them with ease.
One soldier looks skyward and cries, "Oh God, please
just send me a snowflake, a small one will do,
to ease all my burning for a minute or two."

Although God had heard him, 'twas not in His plan
for a snowflake to land today on this young man.
But tomorrow's a new day, and all the men know
it's another chance to catch the desert's snow.

:::Last line is off-beat, but it's perfect! wraps up the poem very well:::

Do you see what I mean? I'm not trying to be a dick, and in fact, some very very minor revisions would whip this one into shape. (for instance, just adding the word 'his' to the first line)

On to topic... wow man. Very powerful stuff. I have a theory as to what the Dessert Snow is, but I'm not sure- are they letters from loved ones? I pictured a Lieutenant tossing fistfuls of letters to his troops, and this poem was expressing the sadness of having no one to return home too when the war ends.

Let me know what you think bud. (also, I typically erase posts like this on work that has been published, so if your going to leave it as is just let me know and I'll erase the post right away)

[Rakkasan]

Originally Posted by SeaN

I'm gona push the envelope a little here.

Please do!

Originally Posted by SeaN

Do you see what I mean?

Absolutely! I have known since before I sought its posting that it was rough. I believe the framework is as solid as the topic, but it is very rough. I was frustrated in working with it, knowing I could be doing better, and thought it was time to have another set of eyes (or two, or a hundred ) take a look.

Originally Posted by SeaN

I'm not sure- are they letters from loved ones? I pictured a Lieutenant tossing fistfuls of letters to his troops, and this poem was expressing the sadness of having no one to return home too when the war ends.

This is a snapshot of my own past, some many years ago. I played my part in serving my country's call to duty (for whatever that may mean to any particular person at any given time in their life). It was given for me to go play in the "big sand box" for a time. After two and one half months "in country", and not having received the first bit of correspondence from the home front, mail call became a most depressing daily ritual. Other soldiers who had arrived at the same time as me had been getting mail for over a month. I was an "old" soldier, with a wife and little "Rakkasans". Why would none of my family or friends write? I shot off a quick, pointed letter back home, and about three weeks later, I received my first package, complete with chocolate chip cookies.

As far as the post, leave it for posterity, if not for the fact that I want to pour over your critique more thoroughly. It is a valuable review to me! Thanks for putting so much time and effort into helping me sort this one out. It will be great one day, no small thanks to you!

I'll be getting back to this very soon (In between sleeping and job hunting, as it seems I have lost my job this week ).

[Lubesh]

I was dim in that I was, I think, deliberately looking for something more sinnister, but it didn't make sense no matter how many time iread it..but then sean's enlightenment made this more of a treasure. As with ur 'Grandpa', this was so richly conveyed in terms of a woeful experience. A great read. Sorry about the job hunting...hope something turns up soon!

[Rakkasan]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

Sorry about the job hunting...hope something turns up soon!

So do my landlord, electric company, phone/internet service provider...

[Phonoho]

Originally Posted by Rakkasan

So do my landlord, electric company, phone/internet service provider...

Don't forget the I.R.S.!

[Rain]

(I told you I would review something although it won't be as good as your review of mine because I don't really have any suggestions.)

This was quite a piece. Imagery was outstanding for me. It flowed nice, and rhymes were well done as well. Now that may seem like a repetitive statement(the flow and rhyme bit), but it's those kinda things that make a poem good, and you did those very well so yes it's good. It's very good, concept of it was quite fantastic.

Tay.

[Rakkasan]

Thanks. Did you happen to note the pulling apart that Sean did on this one? hehe

We all get help from time to time.

If you want to read one that has better flow, imagery, rhyme, etc., try My Grandpa.

[colinbaker62]

An excellent poem in all respects. For me, it serves to exemplify the following philosophical proposition: changed circumstances, make for changed people.






Colin

[Vorcla]

Well...I'm a prose guy, you see. I don't know beans about meter or syllable count or inner structure or any of that fancy stuff. When I (infrequently) write an "attempted poem," it's all about feel and flow and emotion. That's all I've got to go on, and some people who should know claim I've written some decent "attempted poems."

Now - you may have tweaked this since the earlier comments, but I like the flow and the cadence here; don't really see a problem with it, but then, remember, mine is not an expert opinion.

The emotion here is aces. There's a sad, plaintive tone to it, which would be expected under these circumstances. The imagery is top notch - and I do know about that. Poetry, prose, it doesn't matter. You live or die by how effective your imagery is. Yours is very nice.

Overall, a really good job, Rak. Damned fine,

[Venomous Vixen]

Sorry I have not gotten to this one sooner, as I know I have read it a time or two. I think what I like most about this is that it still makes me feel, even after a half dozen reads, it has that small lump in the throat effect... playfully batting my empathy.

Form and I have issues, I read SeaN's post above and, well... I am lost. But to me there was a rhythm, there was rhyme, and it did not feel forced but rather psuhed the reader along in a sing-songy way.

'White snow' I was glad you someone asked about that. At first I was trying to figure if this was some deep metaphor and I was lost entirely but mail, that makes perfect sense. Ugh, how awful to be so long without any. (hence the empathetic lump in my throat).

Anyhow, wonderful, fresh and unique and just

[Rakkasan]

Thanks Colin and B's DA.

There are some issues in it. Funny, but I've been coming back to this one several times over the past few weeks. I think I'm finally ready to fine tune it. I just want to be careful not to upset the tone overall. Sometimes that's difficult.

As to writing something other than poetry, BDA, I do quite a bit of it, but for some reason have never put it in the mix here. I keep telling myself that I will, but...

When I do, I'm sure I can count on you to help me square it up. My vision is to one day publish several novels, research papers, short stories, miscellaneous musings and thought-provoking "meditations" (for lack of a better term), and a collection of poetry. Thus far, most people here have only seen a few moderately developed poems.

[Rakkasan]

Thanks, Bri. As I just told your Dark Angel, I do recognize some issues that SeaN pointed out a year ago, but it wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I started really looking at it again. I think some of what he pointed out is spot on, but then some of it was misunderstood. I plan to adjust the fine points, and explain the rest so that it may be better appreciated.

This is probably one that I would want to hone so that I could include it in a published collection someday. Another would be My Grandpa.

Thanks for reading. BTW, I smeared your Match Me score.

[Vorcla]

As to writing something other than poetry, BDA, I do quite a bit of it, but for some reason have never put it in the mix here. I keep telling myself that I will, but...

?

It took me a few minutes to realize who BDA is; I usually answer to Vorcla, Vorc, "Werewolf Boy," or Rick. Then I figured it out: "Bri's Dark Angel," the user title Bri gave me.

I'd love to see you do some prose, Rak. I'm sure you'd be quite good at it. Try it sometime.

Rick

[Peppy]

I don't know what the other people said, so I'll say what I need to say.

I was like "Wow." I liked it. This seems like one best test, to me, put into symbolism. A test bgiier than we could imagine. The only literal thing I could come up with it is the War on Terrorism, it's strange how that popped up in my head.

Good, good, good. Hmmmmmmm...

[RENA HANDS]

TY the heavens I am not yet an expert of poetry. But these eyes APPLAUD (not that the eyes can applaud), the effectiveness of your imagery. And the mind, this mind APPLAUDS (not that the mind can applaud either), the rhyme.

Is this poem of a particular name? Or w