[gonzoadrenaline]

There was a time when I was alone.
A time when I thought
I would never find anyone.
A time when I had
Given myself over to the loneliness,
To the sadness.

There was a time when
I didn't know myself.
A time when I was unsure
Of who I was.
I didn't want to be me.
A time that I
Hated life itself.

There was a time when
I was faithless.
I had no hope.
I was filled with rage and despair.

There was a time that I
Didn't want to go on,
Couldn't see any light.
Didn't want the world to go on.
Hated the human race.

This was a time before.
A time before I knew
Who I was,
Before I knew myself.
A time before I
Realized what was worth living for.

This was a time before I
Met the man who changed my life,
Changed my view on the world and life,
Changed the way I thought about everything.
Before I met Steven, I wasn't right.

[Lubesh]

I am big fan of repetition but i felt here that it was overpowering.

There was a time when
I was faithless.
I had no hope.
I was filled with rage and despair.

There was a time that I
Didn’t want to go on,
Couldn’t see any light.
Didn’t want the world to go.
Hated the human race.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Ok.
I fixed the middle, maybe that is enough, right?

[Venomous Vixen]

Great idea here. I still think the repetition of "there was a time" is cluttering the story. For example, in the first two stanzas, you use it three times in each. It could read instead...

There was a time when I was alone.
A time when I thought
I would never find anyone.
A time when I had
Given myself over to the loneliness,
To the sadness.

There was a time when
I didn't know myself.
A time when I was unsure
Of who I was.
I didn’t want to be me.
A time that I
Hated life itself.

Or you could get rid of the time part all together like this...

There was a time when I was alone.
when I thought
I would never find anyone.
when I had
Given myself over to the loneliness,
To the sadness.

There was a time when
I didn't know myself.
when I was unsure
Of who I was.
I didn’t want to be me.
I Hated life itself.

I think this would really let the reader feel what you were feeling in the poem rather than getting tripped up on the same line over and over. Beautiful idea, and I am a sucker for happy endings

[gonzoadrenaline]

Ok final revision!!!

[Lubesh]

Much better.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you kindly.

[LullabyHearts]

I really enjoyed this poem. What's your interpretation?

[Venomous Vixen]

It reads much better now Very well done!

[Ethan]

thats really good
for suree

[Mizurio]

That is a very depressing poem, but i do like the way you put rythem in, although id did get kinda weird to read becasue you split up som lines that should have been one. but it is overall depressing and great 4/5

[Masa]

Originally Posted by LullabyHearts

I really enjoyed this poem. What's your interpretation?

That means it is really good, mate. I only got two of these, and they were pity remarks!

I personally thought it a bit difficult to read, but like most poems with this sort of rythm, I reread it a few times, it works well I guess, though I'm not a big fan of sentence-spliting. Good work man!

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Mizurio

That is a very depressing poem, but i do like the way you put rythem in, although id did get kinda weird to read becasue you split up som lines that should have been one. but it is overall depressing and great 4/5

I feel like it's more about the light at the end of the depression tunnel. It's about my Steven and how I felt about life and love before I met him.
It's about hope, more than anything!

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Masa

That means it is really good, mate. I only got two of these, and they were pity remarks!

I personally thought it a bit difficult to read, but like most poems with this sort of rythm, I reread it a few times, it works well I guess, though I'm not a big fan of sentence-spliting. Good work man!

Thank you so much. I really appreciate all your support guys. It really means a lot to me, especally on this one.

Thank you kindly,

Taylor Dante Ricoli-Betoncini

[Syrah]

What I like most about this poem is how personal I can tell it is reading it. Don't be scared of longer lines and shorter stanzas. Sometimes breaking thoughts in poems work really well and sometimes it makes it harder to flow with. This is in between the two, making it a little bit more difficult to read right off. And I must say YAY to Steven -- I wouldn't want the world to be Taylor Dante Ricoli-Betoncini-less.

[Ethan]

You always have to be careful with long repetition poems
but yours is good


keeeeeppp writinggg

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Syrah

What I like most about this poem is how personal I can tell it is reading it. Don't be scared of longer lines and shorter stanzas. Sometimes breaking thoughts in poems work really well and sometimes it makes it harder to flow with. This is in between the two, making it a little bit more difficult to read right off. And I must say YAY to Steven -- I wouldn't want the world to be Taylor Dante Ricoli-Betoncini-less.

I really thought Iposted a thank you for this coment. I guess I was just so overwhelmed that I neglected to publicly thank you for being so sweet. I really love you guys, this place has actually changed my life. I lovet here and again I thank you all. But you especially Syrah!

[Avathar]

Ah, hatred of humanity.

I can relate to that...

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Avathar

Ah, hatred of humanity.

I can relate to that...

Thank you sir. I have a love hate for humankind. It's just sooo hard for me to imagine us getting better and not worse.