[PICK] A Conversation with the Devil Inside

[smokeytehmonstr]

You’re the deadliest
sin; beguiling,
mystifying, enticing,
also forbidden, but sweet
looking, with a crispness
in every step like
stilettos clicking in time
on the sidewalk, and
a heart so soft I
feel like if I touch you, you’ll
disintegrate
into my dreams,
threatening me there
with a public resurfacing.
I’m afraid
that will not be allowed, my
darling, the apple
of my sinful eye, and so
this is a remorseful
banishment to the dark depths
of mind, for a while
at least.

Just, please, I
beg you. Stay there.
For good this time?

[Peppy]

That's a beautifu piece of writing you have there. The flow scheme was perfect, I clung onto it like glue. I read it several time because I liked it; and I read it several time to get it's meaning.

I so totally get your poem, or I pretend to. To put it in human nature was a great idea. Hmmm... I get what you're saying, I go through it everyday. Hmmmmmm...

[RENA HANDS]

Why not start…You’re the deadliest
sin; beguiling, (then continue on.)

I am not sure about the comma after...,but sweet
looking with a crispness (I suggest asking an actual editor on this matter.)

what about saying…lustful eyes (for you crave the forbidden?) Possibly even ‘envious eyes?’

Did you mean…

Stay here?

Possibly consider moving ‘I,’ also.

Just, please,
I beg you. Stay here.
For good this time?

I absolutely loved this…,but sweet looking with a crispness in every step like stilettos clicking in time on the sidewalk, (Not in sentence form, but it reads elegantly.) I can see, understand why this is in advance. I give 4/5!

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thanks...response to a few points...
1) That actually makes sense...*thinks for a second* I'll change it.
2) I shall ask an editor, but in my grammatical experience, a comma isn't necessary there. It could help flow though. I'll have to consider it...
3) *Considers* ...Don't think either are quite the idea I'm looking for.
4) Um...not quite. I mean there, as in the darker depths of my mind are a different place from where I am standing in the poem. Hence, "Stay there". Also, I don't want this particular sin around. Well...it's a love/hate relationship. :/
5) I'll admit, I put the "I" there for completely aesthetic reasons, not for flow. I thought it was interesting. If it interrupts everything horribly, I'll change it.
6) Thank you! I like it too...(obviously, since I posted it...)

And thank you, Peppy, as well for your comments and praise!

[dearest]

Agree with you on the comma (doesn't need it, but it's not incorrect either). Already told you I loved this one, but I'll say it again anyways. ^_^ I love this one. Rena actually already picked out one of my favorite passages:

looking, with a crispness
in every step like
stilettos clicking in time
on the sidewalk,

Love how 'crispness' ties into the apple metaphor and is just a great descriptor. Again, I'll have to steal from Rena (sorry hun! ^_^) and say the flow and diction were perfectly, and I quote, "elegant". Great work.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thanks Tricia. Your praise means a lot!

[Tay M.]

Very, very cool. I have to say the flow was magnificant smokey. Commas, I loved how you had so many lol, as I said in an earlier poem of yours it didn't seem to have enough, but this one you did a good job of puncuation, I'm glad. Your stanza work is so raw, and it's certainly a different work than I usually see, it's good. Captivating, it was sooo captivating it got me thinking for awhile lol. And ALSO, you worded some if it in a way that blew me away, simple, but complex at the same time.

I’m afraid
that will not be allowed, my
darling, the apple
of my sinful eye, and so
this is a remorseful
banishment to the dark depths
of mind, for a while
at least.


Those few lines are an example of what I mean

[smokeytehmonstr]

Tay...I'm flattered. lol thanks so much!

[Corneac]

Ahh dude. What the hell. I've been out of here for so long, I've missed a ton of good work from old favourites and a ton of emerging poets liek this and Tay's stuff.

This is amazing. I loved it, it reminded me of what I love about poetry. The feeling it washed over me, the flow and form, how the lines were broken up just seemed to lull my mind into a dream - almost. I loved it, your description were dream-like, but also had a touch of realism, that alsmot broke my heart. This encapsulated exactly how I feel - perfectly. And it almost hurt to read.

I can't even quote a part. I loevd it all. I'm nomminating this for a Pick, it's equisite. Welcome to the site dude, I'll defintitely be attending to yoru other work. Fantastic.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Ah! Corneac, I hadn't seen this comment yet--don't know why I missed it, actually--and now it's a pick! Thank you so much for you comments and the nomination!

[Vorcla]

I can see why it's a Pick. great job.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thank you, Rick.

[iwrite4areason]

Amazing! Every poem I read here is amazing - and this does not disappoint! You've got a way with words hon...I'm starting to get a little jealous But on a serious not...great poem. You've got the perfect balance of juxtaposition and fluidity. Splendid!

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thank you!

[shatteredsight]

ooh, that's very very good!
I'm just getting back into the forum, after a long lapse on my part, but it's work like this that makes me glad I came back, and wonder why I took so long.

[smokeytehmonstr]

lol there's a lot of good stuff going on here now...thank you for your kind comments!

[Dark-huntress]

'stilettos clicking in time
on the sidewalk'

preety.

and the devil wears prada.

[smokeytehmonstr]

Thanks!