Over all it was alright, but not that rich neither in wording and/or thoughts, you can improve some of the lines, avoid words such as system, information. If improved would be great.
Congrats.
I just noticed, it shows me as unregistered, it was me who wrote the comment above.
The use of harsher words such as system and information etc provides a good contrast to the softer aspects mid poem if u like...and then more 'hard' words with programmable youth etc...back to the softer ones such as shadows, morals etc., was well worked. If i could change anything it would be that i lived in the sun like u but i digress.lol
The pattern u began with, adopting one word and sustaining it.eg hope then alone in the other stanza....would have been interesting if you had carried the example throughout...just an idea..maybe bit boring tho....i enjoyed this quite a bit.so well done.
Don't forget the apostrophe on 'doesn't'...lol
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i was going for the contrast, with words like information. thank you guys for your comments
lubesh - haha australia rules ner. lol, no waht i was going to say is i started out doing what you said, but it didnt look right to me in the end, so i changed it. But im still thinking of a way around it.
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Lol, mainly nitpicking because I found this poem to be very true of my own thoughts at points. Well written, you perhaps repeat the word 'hope' a little too often, but that emphasises it effectively in places. No desernable rhythm, more like a string of thoughts, but I read it easy enough and still enjoyed it, so it's good
Just noticed its from Feb as well, so its fairly old, and i've only just noticed it.
haha thanks duncan, i cant believe i missed that mistake, can't believe everyone else who read this missed it too...lol...any ways it was more a string of thoughts, they seemed to flow out of my head, i tried to have a little pattern with the hope, alone, and place.
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Yes, there is much truth in your telling poem. The final stanza kind of sums up the whole contemporary problem facing the human species as we currently exist.
I personally think we can obtain 'the freedom of our souls' as a species by way of earthly human intelligence. If we created the material circumstances so the reasoning goes, then we can logically uncreate them and make new circumstances and in so doing, make human nature afresh. But it is true as you imply, that the proliferation of technology in the developed world among other things, has made the existence of human beings and the understanding thereof, much more complex than it once was. Postmodernism I think they term such confusion and diversity. Just a thought or six!
hahah always good to get comments from you, thanks for your thoughts, it wasnt that we cant obtain the freedom of our souls its, that we arent taught how to do it. But yeah i agree with you. Thanks again.
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Re: [PICK] Man's System
Linear Mode
