[katofmystery]

Tears and Beers

Hello my dear!
How are you?
You look so blue.
What did I do?

After all,
It was my back
The knife was stuck in;
When you slept with my cousin.

Remember that night?
When I turned on the light?
And I'm no longer your knight
Shining so bright.

So keep your tears
'Cause now my ears
Are too full of your "dears".
Now I just want beers
To drown out my tears.

[Nupur]

Pretty good work, Kat.

Are too full of your "dears."

should be:

Are too full of your "dears".

The full stop will come after the quotation mark.

Apart from the very minor error, I loved it. The bitter tone in the end is just too good.

[katofmystery]

thanks. . . i've always wondered were that period went thanks for cleaning it up!! i wanted to make a funny poem about someone getting stabbed in the back and last night the words just started to flow. . . it was all i could do to find paper before my muse left me!

[RENA HANDS]

Wow! What an incredible feat you have here…

Now for my thoughts and I think really it changes nothing...

Hello my dear!
How are you?
Your cheeks, pale why so blue?
Whatever did I do?
After all,
It was my back
That knife did strike, (stab, engorged) in;
When I found you with my cousin.
So deeply involved in unnatural sin.

(Well, something new, but it keeps wit the idea of your man and cousin in bed together).

Remember that night
such a horrific sight,
when I turned on the lights?
Am I no longer your honorable knight?

(Possibly take out ‘Shining so bright.’) So this would change, sorry.

Keep your tears
‘Cause now my ears
Have deafen with too many ‘Dears.’
Now, I just want much beer
To drown out my tears.

I think you could add more to this situation by expanding the rhymes and giving more to the scene. You just walked in on your man with your cousin…certainly you could have thrown a vase or struck his cheek. Pulled her hair, dragged her out of your loving bed? Just something more.

For the original thought, I will rate a 4/5!

[katofmystery]

THANX. . . for a moment. . . i forgot i was a girl so my first thought was a man talking to a girl (hence the knight so bright) but i guess that it could be taken your way too RENA HANDS. . . thanx for showing me your pov!!

[CryCandice]

oh, i like this. very good job. : )

[xtremelady]

I think has great potential – just seems a little incomplete and would love you to expand on the description a little.

Hello my dear!
How are you?
You look so blue.
What did I do?

I thought this bit excellent and really gives you a feel for the tune.

[katofmystery]

Thank you guys!

[Rain]

Wow, that was very good kat. It flowed effortlessly really, kept it simple, but that was a good thing. I particularly enjoyed this part.

Remember that night?
When I turned on the light?
And I'm no longer your knight
Shining so bright.


Now I really enjoy the 1,2, and 4 lines of that stanza, but the 3rd didn't hit me very well, but I couldn't care less because you ended the stanza good with the 4th line. Great work kat, as usual

[katofmystery]

Thank you. . . I wrote this from a guys pov so thats why it says knight. . . Thank you for your kind words!

[Brandeno41]

good and funny.....fell bad for that guy

[ms_mae572]

this was really good. is it from experience????

[katofmystery]

No this is not. . . I wanted to write a kind of funny poem So there it is!

[Ryankia]

When you slept in with my cousin. - You know, "in" could/should be removed. 1) It doesn't aid the sentence grammatically for structure and you generally "sleep with" not "in with" 2) The rhythm is thrown off a bit by it.

Just a thought ^^

[katofmystery]

Thanks! You’re right I could/should remove so I will when I’m not on a computer that hates me!!

[Vorcla]

Your title reminds me of an old, old country song I used to hear my Dad sing. It went:

I got tears in my ears
From lyin' on my back,
In my bed,
While I cry
Over you.

Aside from that, this was nicely done and humorous, Kat. Tongue in cheek humor; very effective.