Stand in the sunlight,
And still I feel cold
Walk into a crowded room,
And still I’m alone
Outshined by the blackest black
Outranked by a peon
Under the golden yellow sun
I’m looking for the moon
I’m feeling… outshined?
No more!
Time to fight back
Phoenix, rise again!
From ashes to life
The fire has returned
The flame’s still burning
I’m still standing here
Alive, unrelenting.
__________________ And everybody's got a right to a will to want to live
And a right to want to die
Alright I'm going to start with a major nit picky for me... You begin in the first stanza using past tense once, but the rest of the poem is in present tense..
Quote:
Stand in the sunlight,
And still I’d feel cold
perhaps revision it to
Quote:
Stand in the sunlight,
And still I feel cold
That would line everything up to where it makes congruent sense tense wise.
Now.. I must admit, I love it when a poem has an obvious flow. But here, what you have here works. Almost an exclamation of sorts.... almost pounding in your point a step further, in my perspective.
My favorite part in this is....
Quote:
Under the golden yellow sun
I’m looking for the moon
I’m feeling… outshined?
haha... This is so Mike Meyers in So I Married an Axe Murderer. I know it probly wasn't your intention to be funny- but sure made me laugh. This spot right there encaptures what I believe to be the intent of style of how to read and perceive the flow of your piece. Brilliant. Loved it.
Alright I'm going to start with a major nit picky for me... You begin in the first stanza using past tense once, but the rest of the poem is in present tense..
perhaps revision it to
That would line everything up to where it makes congruent sense tense wise.
I was going for "And still I would feel cold". Is that past tense? I've edited it anyway. I've always felt that something was amiss with that line.
Quote:
My favorite part in this is....
haha... This is so Mike Meyers in So I Married an Axe Murderer. I know it probly wasn't your intention to be funny- but sure made me laugh. This spot right there encaptures what I believe to be the intent of style of how to read and perceive the flow of your piece. Brilliant. Loved it.
That's my favourite part too, and no it wasn't my intention to be funny, but as long as you like it
This is one of my few poems which is more about me than about anyone else. It's a little hard to explain exactly.
__________________ And everybody's got a right to a will to want to live
And a right to want to die
I enjoyed the defiance at the end, enouh is enough! Enjoyable piece.
That part almost didn't exist. I only wrote it a little bit as an after-thought. At that point of time, all of my writing was getting too damn negative and depressing... and so were a lot of other aspects of my life... uh... well... yeah... I kinda used this poem to bring about a change in attitude.
__________________ And everybody's got a right to a will to want to live
And a right to want to die
But how would that fit?
yet and still almost mean the same in this context, don't they?
Not really. All conjunctions have a different meaning and setting in which they work. "And" works, I was merely suggesting that I feel "yet" feel more complete with how you worked the entirety of the poem. "And": is more joining of two things, while "yet" is more for comparisons. "Still" is simply a continuant.
Outshined by the blackest black
Outranked by a peon
Under the golden yellow sun
I’m looking for the moon
I’m feeling… outshined?
I loved this part... really painted a vivid picture of how worthless and unnoticed one can feel. I was very excited when this poem to a turn second stanza though, to fight back. Lovely little piece
__________________
"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
I really liked stanza one, two was alright but i felt there was more within the first one. i felt you weren't sure exactly what you wanted to write so you kind of continued on. i liked this though.
Well, to be honest, this was a really honest poem that I truly "felt"
The first stanza flowed very easily. It was something that came easily to me. The second stanza was a deliberate shift in mood/thought-process.
__________________ And everybody's got a right to a will to want to live
And a right to want to die
I like the first stanza. It reads beautifully and the images are lovely. The second one is quite different. A fighting quality to it and contrasted with the first stanza, it seems like an abrupt change. A turning of the will, a decision made and whole-heartedly embraced...nicely done.
I like the depth with which you start (feeling of lost worth), then recharging yourself to demand much more........ very well written Gurdit
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
I see that you care about my comment about as much as I cared typing it............. sorry but there is a need to comment on everything here or they won't post your crap.............haha
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
I actually did care about your comment. I just didn't know what else to say about it.
You've pretty much described the poem and its intended effect, so I'm glad that the poem comes across as how it should.
Also, I know about comments being required and all. I've been on the site for about 2.5 years now, and I'm an editor.
__________________ And everybody's got a right to a will to want to live
And a right to want to die
It's all good..... I was pissed at something different and didnt mean to take it out on you....... Ill continue to read your writings because I like it......... and Ill continue to comment because I always do
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Re: Outshined
Linear Mode
