[Storiesmaniac]

"I just want you." She whispers,
Her words crawl over my skin like a soft breeze.
A tingle creeps down my spine,
As unseen hairs stand on end.

Her eye's lock in on mine,
And my surroundings fade into a hazey mist.
I'm at home in her arms,
As she pulls me closer, deeper.

Each moment like a shared lifetime.
Each breath bringing us closer.
Bodies tangled in hot embrace,
An expression of emotions that words can't describe.

She lays in my arms,
Head resting gently on my chest,
And I whisper in her ear,
"I just want you."
Pouring out my heart with four simple words.

[Syrah]

This is very beautiful, Tim. You are really growing as a writer and it is really good to read a new one from you.

My only suggestion is on capitalization....

"I just want you." She whispers,
her words crawl over my skin like a soft breeze.
A Shiver creeps down my spine,
as unseen hairs stand on end.

Her eye's lock in on mine,
and my surroundings fade into a hazey mist.
I'm at home in her arms,
as she pulls me closer, deeper.

Each moment like a shared lifetime.
Each breath bringing us closer.
Bodies tangled in hot embrace,
an expression of emotions that words can't describe.

She lays in my arms,
head resting gently on my chest,
and I whisper in her ear,
"I just want you."
Pouring out my heart with four simple words.

Not that it makes the piece any better or worse, but I feel that more emphasis is placed where it should be by lowering a few of those upper caps. Sweet and melodic in its sing-song read. A joy to read.

[Hirak]

"I just want you." She whispers,
Her words crawl over my skin like a soft breeze.
A Shiver creeps down my spine,
As unseen hairs stand on end.

"I just want you," She whispers.
Her words crawl over my skin?? like a soft breeze.
A Shiver creeps down my spine, - too prosaic
As unseen hairs stand on end. - absolutely unpoetic

Probably could suggest you to feel the emotions a little more, it can help to try.

"I just want you," she whispers.
And breathes my skin like the soft breeze.
A shiver creeps down my spine,
Like land to a traveler of the seas.

Maybe you should end with "I just want you too" because she has already said it before? then you'd also have to change 4 to 5 words

just an example - also comparisons and metaphors add to any sensuous poem. I wont go into the other stanzas but wanted to give you food for thought. good luck,

Hirak.

[Corneac]

Yeah, I'd have to agree with the capitalization. there were a few descripions in there that didn't seem to fit the reality of emotion. But overall, was fantastic mate. Good to see some more poetry from you. Saptastic! Well done.

['Ginnis]

I could harp on the grammar but I'm not the bitch you love me for being. I did like the heaviness of it. There was a static electicity to the words that actually radiated through the poem. Very heavy, which fitted very nicely with the intensity of the quote.

[Storiesmaniac]

"I just want you," She whispers.
Her words crawl over my skin?? like a soft breeze.
A Shiver creeps down my spine, - too prosaic
As unseen hairs stand on end. - absolutely unpoetic

ok so when i first read this i was a little pissed off...nothing to do with what you wrote mostly that itsmy first poem in about 6 months, and i felt like id finally got rid of writers block and you totally decimated it...hahahah....

But on seconds thoughts of it i feel you didnt quite understand what i was trying to say or the experience i was explaining...which might have been my fault... but i wanted to take this opportunity to explain it.

"crawl over my skin" - why use crawl? very unromantic? non sensual? i dont agree...if you've ever been in the sun on a warm summer day and a soft cool breeze blows on you, it feels as though the breeze crawls over you as you get goosebumps. Now i dont know if you've experienced this but, when my girlfriend whispers in my ear i get goosebumps all over, but it's soft and actually feels the same as the summer day.

"a shiver" - i actually tend to agree with you on this one i think i'll change it to tingle...or something of the like, but you can maybe understand where im coming from with that one.

"as unseen hairs stand on end." - another of those moments im not sure if you've experienced, but the soft air she blows in my ear when she whispers in it sends my body wild, now if you've ever been in a sexual relation you'll know that some of the slightest touches can cause you're body to react, i can literally feel tiny hairs stand up in pleasure on my back when i get all tingly and goosebumps... it wasnt meant to be poetic, it was more a description of the natural reaction my body has to her.

"I just want you.(too)" - I dont agree with the too at all...hahaha and here's why, when you're in one of those cutesy relationships, there are certain things that couples say to each other, and it doesnt need the too... for example... i love you...i love you... you dont need the too...and pretty much...i just want you was meant to represent i love you...without actually saying it.

Iappreciate the feed back though and how you went through the poem, thank you for that.

Thanks chris and sy also...glad you both read it

hahaha kara...shush...lol....thanks for reading.

[Venomous Vixen]

Gah, Tim you big sap. That one was fantastic... really now go sit in the corner and write something sarcastic and dark. Haha, seriously though, I loved that. There was an innocence to it, the excitement of something new and not yet tainted. "I just want you" a lot said in those four little words, truthfully. I do agree about the shivers, tingles seems it would be more... spot on for the feeling you are trying to convey but the rest I agree with you, leave as it. One word can completely change that exact emotion you were going for and I think you already got it. Good to see some writing out of you, I did miss it! Now, back to your corner

[Storiesmaniac]

Hahahahaha thanks bri! i've been struggling to write for a while now, and it was driving me insane...Im glad you enjoyed this one, and understood what i meant. Thanks Heaps hun!

[Venus]

You've gone soft since I've been gone. But I love it.


Good job, you've really grown while I've been gone.

[Corneac]

Hahahaha...soft

[Storiesmaniac]

She comes back and she calls me soft! Gah hahahaha HEY STEPH I MISSED YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

thanks for reading!

[RENA HANDS]

I agree with Hirak and no I am not stealing his suggestions, but rewriting to something more poetic especially with the first stanza it would be more dramatic. I think sensual too if that was the point trying to be made…

“I just want you,” She whispers.
And breathes my skin like the soft breeze.
A shiver creeps down my spine,
Like land to a traveler of the seas.

In the original write you mentioned a “soft breeze” so to say “hairs stand on end,” seems to me redundant. We know in general any kind of weather change causes a physical response. To incorporate Hirak’s suggestion it seems more poignant, poetically sound. A marvelous write overall.

[Storiesmaniac]

Rena! thankyou it is always a pleasure to have you read my work...

I can see what you are saying about the first stanza, and I partially agree with you...i mean i really like your version...

I might work on that first stanza...

thank you again for reading

[Sonnenaufgang]

Hi,
I think, it´s a very good text... Thats not a general text, this text go under my skin. Everybody can´t write form the soul, but you can...

Sorry for the bad english language...

[Storiesmaniac]

woah cant believe i missed this...Thank you! means alot!

[Vorcla]

I'm impressed. I've been wanting to comment on this one for quite a while, never had time. I understand the feeling you talk about with being blocked; it's like erectile dysfunction for writers!

Not to embarrass you, but this is beautiful, man. So opposite your edgy image! I'm impressed with the sensitivity; I'm impressed with how you managed to make it sweet without being sappy; I'm impressed with the use of language. I'm...well, damn, I'm impressed!

Did you get the impression that I'm impressed?

Nice work, Tim - and nice way to work out of writer's block.

Rick

[Storiesmaniac]

Thanks Rick!
Im glad you enjoyed it...
Hahaha i agree wth the writers block by the way...may i never experience erectile dysfunction.
hahahaha
Thanks for the comment and the read!