[Vorcla]

The Knight

Deep blue skies guide my white stallion,
Searching for my lady fair.
High and low through field and meadow,
I hope that Fate will send her there.

Lutes will play when first I see her,
Pure of heart and full of grace.
She will be my life's companion,
Lithe of limb and fair of face.

I will sing her love songs tender,
Bring her roses with the day.
Cherish every gift she brings me,
My heart is hers in ev'ry way.

I will spend my life beside her,
Guard her from all threats of harm.
I will dote on her forever,
Smitten with her quiet charm.

"Knight," they asked, "why do you ride,
On your quest to find this maid?
Chivalry is dead and buried,
You've not heard yet, I'm afraid.

You are from another era,
And fleeting time has passed you by.
Your armor does not hold its luster,
Maids no longer breathe a sigh."

"You are wrong," the Knight responded,
"Romance can still win the day.
Silver words and golden wishes,
Help our hearts to find their way.

So I'm off to find my Princess,
Woo her well and win her heart.
We will be as one forever,
Nevermore to be apart.

Scarlet skies guide my white stallion,
Searching for my lady fair.
High and low through field and meadow,
I hope that Fate will send her there."

[Phonoho]

Very nice. I think you should maybe even consider some alternate/archaic spellings, something Chaucer-esque but not so over-the-top as to make it difficult to read. Or just some very subtle punctuation effect to give it some bardic narrative character. I can see this piece as part of an heroic epic in the making.

[Lubesh]

Mucho improved and few wrods...but...well done rick and I am with Phonoho re archaic but u did good kid lol get the sucker posted.lol

[Vorcla]

Yea, verily and forsooth - I thank ye both.

Hmmm... maybe I'd better bag the Chaucer for now. But I will tinker with it. I like James's idea. The trick would be to keep it from being over-the-top.

Lu - thanks for the suggestions. I like it better this way too.

[Nupur]

Ah, I like this. Totally agree with James' suggestion. A few archaic words and Chaucer-esque language will do this much good. I love the medieval era feel of this. The scene you have created is easy to visualize and very beautiful. The rhyme scheme is nice (well, mostly nice, but slightly contrived in places... don't worry about that. You'll get a hang of it with practice) and fits in well with the sweet nature of the poem. I like how you experimented a little with various poetic devices and did not leave the flow completely dependent on the rhymes.

The thing I like best about this is how you co-related the first and last stanzas. The "deep blue" turned to "scarlet"... nicely done. It's a really good stanza. The entire fairy-tale like description of the guy on a white stallion and the beautiful princess... like it all.

Some of your lines are wonderful, my favoutite being:

Silver words and golden wishes,

You've improved tons, and I'm happy to see that you're getting comfortable with poetry. This is wonderful. Hope to see more poetry from you soon. Gotta rush... computer lab is about to close.

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by Nupur;

You've improved tons, and I'm happy to see that you're getting comfortable with poetry.

I am?! Thanks, Nup. I'm working on it.

[dearest]

Scarlet skies guide my white stallion,
Searching for my lady fair.
High and low through field and meadow,
I hope that Fate will send her there."

Now that's what I'm talking about! I knew you had it in you. Now aren't you glad you didn't just settle? ^_^ You already know my thoughts on this one; love the sweet, romantic feeling. You know my distaste for rhymey stuff, but in this case, it fits. Just makes it sweeter, add to the fairytale, epic, eras gone by feeling. Love it. ^_^

[Vorcla]

Thank you, Tricia. And I greatly appreciate you taking the time to go back and forth (and back and forth, and back and forth...) with me on this to help me hammer it into shape. I always know I can count on my writing partner to see me through the rough spots. I don't usually like to rhyme, either, but it just seemed fitting in this case. Thanks again for all the help, hun.

[RENA HANDS]

As always I am applauding to your work so this is no different. The simplicity in imagery (for me anyway) was Superb. And the emotions regardless of the age can be and you have managed to relate without any doubt of confusion. So again I am applauding the beauty of your write.
Just a question or two…

1. I will sing her love songs tender. (Was this intended to be a possessive like I will sing her love song’s tender?) OR are you saying you will sing her love songs that are tender?

2. Well, this isn’t really a question, but a suggestion instead of saying ‘maids,’ here why not say for the feminine touch…Maidens no longer breathe a sigh.

I try and not to read the suggestions/comments of others so that I may form my own opinion, but in this case I think that you should take the advice of Phonoho and the others and add some ‘archaic spellings.’ If anything it will give more of a BANG to your post if that was part of your intention to deliver something more.

My ratings despite the inquires can be no other than 5/5!

[PaulJJ]

Nice one Rick. Really liked this. I felt like i stumbled into some epic tale. Loved it.

[Vorcla]

Thanks, RENA. Basically, the sense of that line is, "I will sing (to) her love songs tender," but of course it doesn't work with the rhythm that way. Thanks for the review, hun.

Paul - I appreciate you looking at this. Thanks!