[PaulJJ]

Walking on bottles and broken teeth,
cracked mirrors warp my face.
Fountain of lust and mistrust,
wearing a black sexy lace.

The night was over before day began,
wet sand in your hourglass.
Lost in my own home,
this moment just won’t pass.

Listen to my theory,
of love and sincerity.
It seems to take what it wants,
And everything you need.

I need your loving
I need it now
I need your love
Hand it out

[dearest]

Sorry I didn't get this moved for you earlier I've been horridly busy. But, enough about me...I love this poem. ^_^ The subtle rhyme is just enough to give it a sort of quirky, idiosyncratic rhythm, but not to much to fall into the rhmyey trap. For example, my favorite stanza:

Listen to my theory,
of love and sincerity.
It seems to take what it wants,
And everything you need.

I love the pairing of theory and sincerity. It's not quite a rhyme, but it just goes. Excellent, it takes real skill to intuit what will feel right and what won't. Well done, very well done. Don't know why you've been down on your poetry lately, this is excellent, and I would not lie. Give yourself a pat on the back and relax, you've earned it. ^_^

-Tricia

[Rain]

Hey buddy first off I want to say I really liked this, and I do have a slight suggestions.

It seems to take what it wants,
And everything you need. ("And" shouldn't be capitilized to fit with all your other lines, and honestly that's all that really I cared enough to show you, I'm picky like that )

My favorite stanza was the one Tricia pointed out, I loved the rhyme, also I liked the line in the first stanza "Fountain of lust and mistrust" that was done very nicely. All in all it was very good, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing .

-Tay

[Blink]

I enjoyed it very much, and the ending stanza was pretty cool I must say, it wasn't filled with the same poetic touch as the other stanzas, but it felt right to end such a good poem, to get your final point through, almost. I also liked the line "Fountain of lust and mistrust" that rang so clearly and flowed almost flawlessly. I enjoyed it a lot, nice stuff Paul.

[PaulJJ]

wow. Hey thanks everyone. I appreciate the comments.

[Storiesmaniac]

You can tell you love muse, and the killers Paul...all your poetry has this beautifuly chaotic feeling. Which suits them perfectly.

Great poem, I love the line "The night was over before day began,
wet sand in your hourglass." Fantastic.

[Peppy]

Pretty good, couldn't possibly word it as good as you. Love is confusing to define, I know. It plays tricks. Sitting at home, alone. Weird. Anyways, liked the poem, thought you wrote it "finely". Your become one of my favourite writers(Shhh..don't tell anyone.).

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by PaulJJ;

...wet sand in your hourglass.

Gaaaahhhh! That's an incredible line!

You had your mojo working on this one. Has kind of a jumpy feel to it, which lends itself to your theme. Nicely done.

Rick

[PaulJJ]

Wow thanks peppy, I wont tell anyone

Thanks Rick!