[Sime Sheef]

Synopsis: This poem describes the strange properties of a boyfriend's relationship with his girlfriend. It is written in a new form of poetry I've named Exclamatory.

I'm less and less in love with love and more in love with her.
I'm in love with who she is and not with who we were.
First of all I love my God and he gave her to me.
I've been given care of her. My joy's when she's happy.
He has promised her content and her joyfulness.
But only if I practice prayerful carefulness.
I love my Lilli always, though we still fight
About stupid things when we each think we're right.
I don't miss her as soon as she's away.
I used to. Now, I think of her all day.
She is the one that keeps me going,
Gives me hope, and keeps my blood flowing.
I know secrets she tries to hide
And all the things she keeps inside.
I'm the one who wipes her tears
and keeps them as souvenirs
Of all the hard times;
The I, me, my, mines.
And later I'll look
In her huge tear book
And say, "That's her.
Mine forever."
While in bliss,
I'll see this
Detail
Brief tale
Of
Love

[Phonoho]

Does anyone know who this is? Interesting form, with the dwindling line length. I'm not certain how new it is. If you could identify yourself, I'll let you know how well it worked. Why is there no author listed here?

[JirQUEST]

he changed the colour of his username. it's Sime Sheef.

[Laughing Man]

You have to highlight the line...lol.Clever.

[Phonoho]

Ah, going commando. I see. Well, no I don't. It seems rather counterproductive to me. With this new form, you are forcing couplets into a constantly changing rhythm. It's a bit like downshifting with a little too much clutch. Gets to be bone jarring at times. Your idea is inventive, you have good phrases, and your subject is expressed well. I would have enjoyed it more if it didn't rhyme at all and if the author who wrote didn't look so much like a ghost.

I like it. Works well for me.

[Sime Sheef]

Ah...don't you just love my almost unkown presence. I understand greatly what you are saying phonoho. It does get jarring but because the syllable count (that's what you see dwindling) and rhyming are very confined you must be a great poet to do this poem correctly, which I really wasn't trying for on this. I think that the first and last three couplets flow well but not the rest. It's called Exclamatory, if you were wondering, because in math a number exclamatory equals the sum of a number and all the numbers between it and zero, like that the poem dwindles in syllable count from whatever you choose. The poem doesn't have to rhyme but I like rhyming poems.

Thank you for your critique,
Simeon

[Clara]

I think it was clever...

[Odanion]

This style is different...but that doesn't mean its bad...actually its good...seeing so many forms and getting them to flow is amazing..but there were parts where the rythem either skipped a beat, or fell a beat behind...which is quite a shame as this style is quite a change in pace from the others...I must say good work nonetheless and keep up the good work and soon enough this style can flow just aswell as anyother style...who knows, others might even start using it

[Trinket]

I LOVE the content. It's a beautiful expression of love. I think it shows a maturing devotion, rather than the shallow "she's so pretty, I'm infatuated" type of thing I see so often. I agree with Phonoho; it sometimes seems stilted, like the rhythm is forced. Honestly, though, the content makes up for it.

I'm less and less in love with love and more in love with her.
I'm in love with who she is and not with who we were.
First of all I love my God and he gave her to me.
I've been given care of her. My joy's when she's happy.

I adore the first and third lines, the first because it flows so well and the cadence it fantastic, the third because I like (and agree with) the message. I read this poem out loud, and it really does flow well.

In short, wonderful! It's powerful, too. A great poem.

[Princess]

Originally Posted by Phonoho

Does anyone know who this is? Interesting form, with the dwindling line length. I'm not certain how new it is. If you could identify yourself, I'll let you know how well it worked. Why is there no author listed here?

I do.


I really like this poem Sime. I really like the descriptiveness of it.

P.S.

you must be a great poet to do this poem correctly

There you go talking all high about yourself again. Gosh your so vain. LOL! Just joking. Darn now that vain song is stuck in my head.

[Peppy]

Your Exclamatory form got me confused. Well, my head started getting dizzy when I read it. I had to re-read the first few lines because I, as I said, kept getting confused. Being dyslexic doesn't help me either.

But the poem is well thought of. It maybe a little uneven in fluidity in the beginning, but it started to get better in the middle and end. It was thoughtful, this poem, that I think I may really like it. Your rhyming skill was excellent, didn't seem too cliché for me.

Exclamatory is a dyslexic's worse enemy. But don't worry, I think other people will be better in reading it without getting dizzy. I'm just the exception.

[Rain]

This was nice, a new and different style and approach. Filled with rhyming scheme that was well executed, at times cheesy rhymes but since when is love not cheesy... good stuff, well done, and I enjoyed it very much.

Tay.