[Venomous Vixen]

Here I am, exposed
You know the deepest parts
Of me, you see
Completely

Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl is on her own
Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl is all alone

Here I sit, so scared
You know how hard it is
To live, you did
So silently

Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl is terrified
Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl just sits and cries

Here I fall, so fast
You know how far it is
Down here, just fear
Consuming me

Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl is lost
Are you proud, Mama?
Your little girl paid the cost

And I drown in tears
Harbor fears for years
But my hand is still there
Reaching, Mama, do you care?
Are you proud now?

[Vorcla]

Oh, Bri - how heartbreaking! This is so well constructed and tightly-written. On her own, all alone. The juxtaposition of the two is riveting - "yeah, I'm independent - but I'm all by myself." I almost hear this as a country-style tune - and I can hear Ali singing it in "Fallen Angel!" Great job, hun!

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks hun... in my mind it played more like something from the group 8MM, edgy yet soft rock, with a sultry female vocalist. Now if only I could sing~!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen

Now if only I could sing~!

You probably can - you're probably being as modest about that as you are about your poetry!

[Venomous Vixen]

Originally Posted by Vorcla

You probably can - you're probably being as modest about that as you are about your poetry!

No, no, I swear. Ask Chris!

[Jimbalaya]

Jeez! I'm going to need a beer, so I can cry in it. Very moving, Bri. It a kind of "I'll show you I can do it, no matter how hard it really is." kind of song. I like it, could either be taken as a sad song, or one hope, and independence. Very nice.

[Gurdit]

You’re

Your, six times! (homophones and Americans share a hate-hate relationship ).

What makes this a really good set of lyrics is that it's so open to interpretation. Yes, the little girl has moved away, she has moved out and moved on. She's independent, but what is she doing? Did she become a whore? Did she join a strip club? Did she have to do nasty things in order to be at that place where she is? Hmm....

I also see that you've maintained pretty tightly the syllable count and such, making it easy to make a tune for this. Personally, I prefer it if the lyrics have a little more bulk, lines that are a little longer, but I have heard some songs with short bursts of lines in the verses and they're good too.

[xtremelady]

This is great Bri – the softness in the verses completely vibrate with the ‘Are you proud, Mama?’
With the difference in tempo – haunting even as we move back into softer tone{way i hear play in my head anyway}

[Nupur]

The you're/your thing really messed up the reading for me. And I see that Gurdit has already pointed that out.

Apart from that I thought this was very good. Haunting and beautiful. The repetition was carried out to perfection. Your last stanza is lovely. Great work, Bri!

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks you all very much!

[Lubesh]

I liked that always lvoe a song with gripes and brings in the mamma. works maybe thats why.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks Lu

[Alex]

It almost seemed like the daughter tried so hard to impress her mother that she suffered to do so. Or maybe its the daughter blaming the mother for whatever she had done to her as a child, like the way she was raised ended up being the cause of her present state. I really liked the entire idea behind this song.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you very much Alex

[Undisclosed]

Isn't it sad, that the things our parents carelessly do, will always live on inside us. It makes me afraid to raise my own kids, because I'm so broken inside.

[Venomous Vixen]

I echo that feeling, thank you for reading, hun!

[Corneac]

No, no, I swear. Ask Chris!

Oh please...don't ask me to comment on bri singing. I think my opinion has got me in enough trouble...Bri sings wonderfully.

This was simple - but rereshing in a way. I enjoyed you doing lyrics...it's different and I love it. I felt myself missing your metaphors....and some fo your imagery, but as a feeling, this one wasn;t lacking, i just would have enjoyed some poetic techniques to polish it up. Heartbreaking - really, and it did have a but of dramatism to it, and was a bit of a tired idea. But I loved it all the same - knowing you and knowing your poetry, I know the feeling, but it still stings everytime I read it.

I was talking to a professor the other day about poetry...and she said that if a poet evokes an image, gives you a feelings, or if you take anything away from it...it;'s done it's job...suceeded. I think that's so true. This left me feeling sort of cavernous in the foot of my stomach, a bit cold and alone. Nice job...