[dearest]

Traffic drones past
And headlights carve
Their mysterious paths
Hedges keep secret society
And lightening bugs hang like Christmas lights
Cars fly by, bugs fly by
And you could catch one, cup one, if you tried
In your mittened hand,
But you let them by

Keeping company with streetlights
Keeping time with cricket song
Your coat is still unbuttoned
And your hair has gotten long
And, oh, you're always looking down-
Avoiding sidewalk cracks with cautious eyes
But if you had once looked back you might have seen
I was walking behind you all this time

Hands in pockets, awkward
I stand, half-open, hoping
My face in sunset when I say hi
Shadows sift below your eyes
And you look at me as if surprised
That time steals the warmth
From such familiar faces
And that such old friends as we
Would happen to meet
Walking home
On a Saturday night

[Vorcla]

Oh.

You have this almost mystical gift when it comes to poetry, Tricia. So clean, and yet so elegant at the same time. Not a word wasted, and packed with emotion. ^_^ You take these little events, little slices of life, and turn them into poetic gems.

As usual, I'd have to highlight the entire poem to illustrate everything I love about this, butthis stanza is particularly nice:

Keeping company with streetlights
Keeping time with cricket song
Your coat is still unbuttoned
And your hair has gotten long
And, oh, your always looking down
Avoiding sidewalk cracks with cautious eyes
But if you had once looked back you might have seen
I was walking behind you all this time


Gaaahhh! Gives me goosebumps! Just incredible, hun. Someday I hope I can do this as well as you do.

[dearest]

Thanks rick. Glad you enjoyed. And don't you worry, you're much better at this poetry thing than you give yourself credit for. ^_^

[Vorcla]

I find that very flattering, coming from you, Tricia. BTW, to borrow your new rating system, I give "Isabel Went Walking" three thumbs up! ^_^ Forgot to mention that!

[Venomous Vixen]

Rick actually picked out my favorite stanza as well, a bit like a sandwich, though the bread is amazing, you had the good stuff in the center. My only stumble was the use of 'bug' twice within a handful of words in the first stanza, otherwise, flawless as always. Your flow was a treat, and you ideas. You really have a way of touching on that hope and loneliness we so often feel, and I have a bit of a softspot for the underdog myself. Amazing Tricia!

[dearest]

Thanks. ^_^ Yes, I wondered about the proximity and if that would be a problem, but I kind of liked the repetition. Brought back the cars I was talking about earlier in the stanza, and the bugs I was talking about in the previous line. I'll look at it a bit more, though, you might be right. Anyways, thanks again for the comment, it is much appreciated.

[Venomous Vixen]

Maybe you could just flip the line, cars and then bugs?

[dearest]

I can do that. Thanks, that should really help.

[Vorcla]

This was up on the viewscreen, and it reminded me how much I enjoyed this. I can't say if it's my absolute favorite of yours, because I can truthfully say that I have loved just about everything you've ever written - but it's darned close! ^_^

[dearest]

Well thanks ^_^ I'm thinking about using it for a creative writing assignment that's due this week. ^_^

[Vorcla]

Easy "A..."

[Jimbalaya]

Another beautiful poem from you, Tricia. I love the conflict within this. Struck me as more on the sad side of the road, though. As always, you do not disappoint with your writing. Chock full of images and emotions like nothing I've ever read.

It is easy to tell that you love what you do and you take great joy from writing. You are outstandlingly good.

[Nupur]

Can't find better words than Rick did. All your poems are very clean and elegant and this is no exception (though my absolute all-time favourite from you is 'and the sky poured'). Another little thing that I really like is that you can write about anything and everything. I have seen this in Chris' (Corneac) writings and now, you. Your themes and presentation are always fresh and when I read something by you, I am never disappointed. In fact, you always leave me spellbound with your ability to create the ordinary into something truly breathtaking.

Your word choices are great and so are some of your images. However, I would recommend some selective capitalization in order to enhance the flow. Perhaps a little punctuation too.

Let's see this one stanza at a time.

Traffic drones past
And headlights carve
Their mysterious paths
Hedges keep secret society
And lightening bugs hang like Christmas lights
Cars fly by, bugs fly by
And you could catch one, cup one, if you tried
In your mittened hand,
But you let them by

Purely your choice, but I think I would have gone for something like this:


Traffic drones past,
and headlights carve
their mysterious paths


I specially love the way you have begun this. The line about headlights "carving" mysterious paths is marvellous. I love how you observe things and put them into your work. The dense, secretive nature of hedges is another little detail that I like. Next line, cars and bugs in the same breath. Very nice. The christmas lights parts is slightly overused as opposed to all those fresh images that you have created. However, it does work, and very well at that. My absolute favourite lines in this stanza would be:

And you could catch one, cup one, if you tried
In your mittened hand,
But you let them by

I love the image these lines create. Cupping a bug in a mittened hand... lovely.

Keeping company with streetlights
Keeping time with cricket song
Your coat is still unbuttoned
And your hair has gotten long
And, oh, you're always looking down
Avoiding sidewalk cracks with cautious eyes
But if you had once looked back you might have seen
I was walking behind you all this time

The 'keeping' repetition is very well done. It brings a fluidity to the line. The two lines just roll off the tongue. The song/long rhyme, again, enhances your flow. Here, I would advise making it slightly more dramatic using only punctuation so as not to overdo it. Like putting a hyphen after 'looking down' would probably be a good idea.


And, oh, you're always looking down-
avoiding sidewalk cracks with cautious eyes

But if you had once looked back you might have seen
I was walking behind you all this time

The two concluding lines of this stanza are fan-frickin'-tastic. Don't know why it reminds me of the Def Leppard song 'Two Steps Behind'. It's got THE perfect tone. I don't know how to explain this well, but oh... I love it.

And yes, the filling of the sandwich is definitely the best, but the bread too is of the best quality.

Hands in pockets awkward
I stand, half-open, hoping
My face in sunset when I say hi
Shadows sift below your eyes
And you look at me as if surprised
That time steals the warmth
From such familiar faces
And that such old friends as we
Would happen to meet
Walking home
On a Saturday night

Nice one again, but something about the first two lines:

Hands in pockets awkward
I stand, half-open, hoping

The first time I read it as an enjambed line:


Hands in pockets, awkward
I stand, half-open, hoping


Notice the comma. I think it reads a little better though it can completely change the meaning.

Shadows sift below your eyes

Nice phonetic device.

That time steals the warmth
From such familiar faces

This part is lovely! I love this thought... time stealing warmth from familiar faces... good alliteration too. It's nothing fancy and that's precisely the reason why I like it.

Nice ending... nice PROPER ending. You've written this like a narrative and ended it like one. I have no complaints with this, just suggestions to improve something that is already brilliant. HAvn't listed out all the places where I'd prefer selective capitalization (Gotta rush for dinner... lol) but yeah, I've typed most of whatever came to mind.

It's perfectly good the way it is... entirely upto you if you want to make changes.

Overall, I love it. Always a pleasure to read your work.

[RENA HANDS]

APPLAUDS! APPLAUDS! APPLAUDS! That’s all that I have. Well, maybe one more thing…like Lubesh u really know how to create beyond the ‘norm’ with ur vocabulary (simple to the tongue(s) but so much more to the mind’s eye). I’m being repetitive, my apologies.

Truly a MASTERPIECE with the imagery and actions.

My fav…:ange l:

And lightening bugs hang like Christmas lights

And you could catch one, cup one, if you tried

Avoiding sidewalk cracks with cautious eyes

I rating (again, never needed…5 of 5)!

[dearest]

Thanks Jim, Nupur, and Rena for the comments! I don't have whole lot of time right now to address some of the changes you've very wisely suggested, Nupur, but I got in a few of the easier ones. To be honest, I always forget about punctuation and capitilization when I write poetry, then I end up posting it and thinking...oh, right, grammar and conventions. ^_^ I'll have to take a look at the rest of it when I've got more time. And thank you, I am HONORED to have my poetry compared to Chris'. Thanks Jim and Rena for your praise (you guys are some of my favorite reviewers ^_^) and thanks Nupur for those great catches, which I will definitely be working on later. ^_^