Blood Red Romance(Cowrite between Atlas and me)

[Alex]

*This is based off of a fifty-five entry I did called Waving goodbye to a friend, I guess it's decent enough. It's a little wordy but hopefully it didn't come out too long.*

I was sitting on the rail,
contemplating the jump,
when I heard you run up.
You fell to your knees,
tears thumping the stone,
as your golden hair tickled the ground.
I plucked a wildflower from the bricks
and placed it before you.
Your eyes lit up.
You looked for me, but I had already gone.

The night was cold as I ran down the cobblestone street.
My blue dress dragged the road behind me,
and my heels clicked with each step.
I ripped them off and ran for the bridge.
It was my intention to jump,
but I fell to my knees and began crying.
I opened my eyes to find a yellow flower.
I looked around but saw nothing,
nothing but the dark night.
I felt a smile on my face.
I stood and walked away,
that smile along for the ride.

I watched you for some time,
sending you little hints of me;
a flower here or there or a card or two.
Once I even gave you a bouquet;
it matched your hair
and your golden personality.
You had such a beautiful smile
and those blue eyes,
like portals to another world.
I wanted to meet you,
to have you meet me,
but I stayed in the shadows,
stayed across the street.
And watched you idly sit
while you sipped your tea.

Everywhere I went, it seemed you had been there too
leaving those yellow flowers in your wake.
I always knew you were near, just around the corner,
but I never saw you.
I could feel you watching me,
but why did you always hide?
I fell in love with you,
but it was just me and my thoughts;
you were only a picture in my mind.
After a while you faded from me.
I would think of you from time to time,
but never did we meet.
I forgot about you and met someone else,
Someone not afraid,
Someone I could love as well.

It was that morning,
you sat in the sunrise.
You had drifted away for some time,
and I knew I had been distant from you.
I had planned to meet you that day.
I started across the street,
a handful of sunflowers,
but someone approached you,
a man.
You stood and greeted him with a kiss.
I turned around and walked away,
dropping the flowers on the ground.

I had a strange feeling.
I looked to see a man in a top hat.
He was walking away with a trail of golden petals.
Was that you?
I threw away the thought and got on with the day.
The sun was setting as I danced.
Even though my date was charming,
you lingered in my head.
But after a few drinks, you faded from my mind,
and a few well placed twirls blurred the rest of the evening.

I sat in the dark,
on the side of the street.
The moon was shining bright,
revealing shadows at my feet.
I heard voices in my head;
they screamed your name.
What was I to do?
You left me with a broken heart,
a tainted soul in a tainted shell.
It was then that I decided,
if I couldn't have you then nobody would.
I walked you home.
You were strolling down the sidewalk,
a lightness in your step.
I followed you for a while, then you saw me,
and you began to run.

I skipped down the street.
I felt I had found love at last,
or just the drunken illusion of love.
Either way I was content.
It was quiet,
not a sound except my heels.
I had a feeling someone was watching me.
I looked behind to see you.
I knew it was you.
I started running,
thinking I'd be safe if I made it home,
but I never made it home.

That same blue dress dragged the ground,
as that familiar clicking echoed through the night
and those yellow flames trailed behind you.
I grabbed you by your neck and twisted.
You fell to the ground.
The moon shone bright as a laughter came over me.
I guess the magnitude of what I'd done,
the sheer thought of it, was too much for me.
I stuffed you in a big brown bag
and dragged you to the bridge,
The same bridge where we'd met.
I set you up on the rail,
your hair sparkled in the moonlight.
I uncovered your face for just a moment,
just long enough to marvel at you once more.
Your ivory skin and rose red lips,
all situated under those ever-glowing golden locks.
I leaned in and kissed you,
feeling your cold, moist lips.
Then, with one faithful shove,
I bid you farewell.

[Persephone]

Whoa, intense. He saves her only to condemn her.

I don't think it was too wordy, and it told a good story, but was clearly a poem, flowing in and out to two different perspectives. SO I think you hit the mark.

There are a couple things you could tweak. I didn't see anything majorly wrong, but sometimes you fade in and out of past and present tense it seems, maybe just read over it again and check to make sure all the tenses sound good. Theres no major tense problems, just some parts seem awkward like this one:

You lay limp on the ground now.

I think you should cut out the word 'now' all together.

Also, theres one part in a stanza where you repeat the word 'always' very close to each other, and it's just a bit distracting. I think you can find another word to replace it:

Everywhere I went, it seemed you had been there too
and always leaving yellow flowers in your wake.
I always knew you were near, just around the corner,
but I never saw you.
I could feel you watching me,
but why did you always hide?
I fell in love with you,
but it was always just me and my thoughts;
you were just a picture in my mind.
After a while you faded from me.
I always thought of you,
but never did we meet.
I forgot about you and met someone else,
Someone not afraid,
Someone I could love as well.

Good job you two, I think you played off one another well, your styles matched very closely so it wasn't annoying to see the writing together.

[Alex]

Thank You, I'll try to rework those parts and edit it a bit.

[Kalinda]

This is very interesting. At first, I must admit I was a bit confused. But it's set out like a story. Very nicely done that.

Reaching for a goal and never quite catching it...then when you get it, wham. That was a surprise.

Either way I was conent.

content?

[Alex]

Thank You, I'll fix that.

[Vorcla]

Hmmmm...mayb e this should be in "Dark."

I always like to read co-writes, as I've done a number of them myself, most frequently with dearest. To me the trick is to make the transitions almost seamless. You want each writer to have a distinctive voice, but you don't want the shifting between writers to jar the reader.

This is well-done from that standpoint, well-blended. The colored fonts help with the transitions as well. Good voice, well-written, and a riveting story. Nicely done, the both of you.

[dorian hanes]

First, LOVE, LOVE the title. It’s Extremely Alluring to the reading and mental ‘eye(s).’

Second, whose ‘golden hair tickled the ground?’

Third, Maybe something like –I remained motionless, then walked/strolled away taking with me that smile along for the ride.

Fourth, Maybe something like –a flower here or there and a (penned) card or two.

What about –I lingered/loitered in the dark shadows, keeping pace with you across the street.

Fifth, what about –Someone other I could love. (Someone not afraid, Someone other I could love.)?

Sixth, at what point had ur man met with another? Even though my date was charming, Why did U not add this to ur collaboration? I think it would’ve made quite a contrast to ur ‘golden girl.’

Seventh, I think ‘would’ be more stronger here. If I couldn’t have you, then nobody would.*

Eighth, here U are missing an ‘e.’ …your hair sparkled in the* moonlight.

I think the spacing and the downfall of ur stanzas –is too much. Why not have a Right/Left/Left/Right posting following each other?

A Very Confessional Writing –WELL DONE to YOU both.

[Alex]

Thank You, I'll take your suggestions into consideration.

[Atlas]

Thanks for the comments everybody. This was really all Alex, his idea was just amazing and so in depth that I couldn't resist. It was his rollercoaster, I was just along for the ride.

[Alex]

It was his rollercoaster, I was just along for the ride.

Yeah, but if it wasn't for riders, the ride would never make it or prosper, .

We played off each other. I don't think it would turned out near as good if I had done it on my own.

[Atlas]

Thanks, .