[psycosis]

Note: This is a narrative between a boy and a girl. It was written by DarkPower and psycosis. The first stanza is when the boy is talking and the second is when the girl is talking.


There is this place that we can go
where we can be alone and no one can see
Its way up high and hidden well
Covered by the leaves of the make-out tree

Must we really go there
We can always stay here
I dont like heights so much
They make me queasy with fear

But I promise I will hold you
I will not let you fall
I will gently caress your cheek
removing all your fear, I will wash away them all

What if we're seen
What will we do?
I don't want to be caught messing with you
I don't mean it in a bad way
I just don't want to be seen that way

I promise no one will see
no one will know
Your honor and dignity
will faithfully show

Well, if you really want to
But only for a little
We can climb to the first branch
Sit and just talk
I want you to remember
Your promise you thought

I swear I wont forget
I will hold you deep within
I will never let you go
and in this there is no sin

I am not saying what we're doing is wrong
I want everything to be perfect
And I have waited so long
I want you to hold me
I truly do
I am just scared of the things we might do

We'll do nothing to which you object
it is you that holds the key
I want you to be comfortable
and know that you want me

I want you if you want me

Then as one we'll finally be

Together we will go

and climb in the make-out tree

[DarkPower]

I think this is a great poem lol not to boast or anything but i think we did well.

[psycosis]

I concur....I am pleased with how it turned out

[Lubesh]

Unique to the site, yes, you both did very well. Needs a bit of fine tuning. three of the lines don't read well; 'just' is overdone. and 'Your promise you thought' isn't right.

Otherwise I'm impressed at the co operation.

[DarkPower]

I think maybe there are things we need to work on but over all it is good. I think we did well getting across the whole point that he is a smooth talking guy trying to do his best to get this girl up into that tree to make out with her. and the girl is not sure about it, she doesnt want to say out right no but she doesnt really want to go. or maybe she does

[DarkPower]

I took out some of the 'just's' of the poem i hope its better now.

[DarkPower]

Thank you 4pat.

[BookWhale***]

I liked it - like lubesh said, it is unquie. But - there is something that i really can't but my finger on... maybe it doesn't flow as well, or something. It just seems off a little bit...

[EternalPen]

I like it! I'm not a big fan of petry, I actually heard this from StoriesManiac Radio. I Like this, it had a nice flow to it, and was sweet. ^_^ Good job!

[psycosis]

Originally Posted by EternalPen

I like it! I'm not a big fan of petry, I actually heard this from StoriesManiac Radio. I Like this, it had a nice flow to it, and was sweet. ^_^ Good job!

Thank you very much eternal.....I havent heard the podcast yet....Ill have to thank syrah for that