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Old 10-03-2006, 11:13 PM
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[PICK] Tears of a Vampire (II)

God played a deadly trick on him
Or is it that simple?
Blessed with eternal death
Still he walked on the path of life

Futile mortals begged for his kiss
Little did they know its fatality
Dragged by perpetual loneliness that is
He shall forever bear the consequences

Only death to the first light
Did he ever get his seclusion
But why doesn't his soul think the same?
For the images of her still haunts

A century has passed
Unfolding a torment he still suffers
And time proves in vain a cure
To this longing deep in him

Walking in the shadows
Hidden from humanity's sardonic smiles
Buried underneath life's and death's ironies
He roamed the land of darkness

King of Hades
Powerful and in control
He kills, slays and tortures
Raping gullible minds of their chastity

But little did he know
His punishment is beyond hell could take
A suffering so agonized
He was left tearing blood day after day

When will this misery ever stop?
When the song continues to play
Singing promised eternity
To his dying mind and soul

He wish to reside
Back to where he truly belongs
But death refuses his soul
For it's deadly curse cannot be undone

Wandering in his empty past
Is a memory that still lingers
A love he once embraces
A face he still yearns

But fate's games took it all away
A joke they forever share
As he is left suffering
Alone, on this earth

As his journey continues
Through these reminiscences
And as fate continues its game
He shall bear the consequences

For it is his destiny
A truth he has to face
And for eternity, he shall
Forever be mocked by Love
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Old 06-10-2006, 11:15 PM
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Re: [PICK] Tears of a Vampire (II)

I really liked this poem. It had a lot of emotion to it and flowed very nicely. The only error I found was a careless "it's" instead of "its" in the line "For it's deadly curse cannot be undone". Just wanted to point that out...

One line I would change is "To this longing deep in him". I would make the "in" "inside". I think that might flow better than what you have.

Other than that, however, the rhythm and flow of "Tears of a Vampire" is excellent. Great job on it; I enjoyed reading it a lot.
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