[Nephilim]

Peacemaker - by Alec Hodgman


Setting: California - 1840. Western.

This man, his name was Jefferson Downs
A slippery salesman from out of town
As he stepped in, my candle, it shook
My wife and son lit theirs to look
I must admit, he said with a frown
I've come not to sell, but to gun you down

I felt nothing at first when it pierced my breast
The burning hole that it left in my chest
With a turn, he knocked their candle to the floor
Extinguished them both, then escaped out the door
Their candle and eyes to darkness turned
But my eyes were still opened, my candle still burned

As I lost them to their sleep
I pray the lord their souls to keep

I pushed to my feet and grabbed my Six
'Before I die, I have something to fix.'
I left my home onto the darkened town
To find and to kill Jefferson Downs
Three years passed, my blood has dried
But forever unsilent was my fire inside

At a table in a saloon on a street of mud
He drank by candlelight, dealing stud
As I entered, he stared, his movement ceased
I leveled my gun, the war before peace
'You came at night and took their lives
But, your mistake was you left me alive'

My fire burned as I chambered the round
'I've come here to kill you, Jefferson Downs'
The crack was loud and the kick was strong
The silence that followed was tensed and long
The bullet had knocked his candle from desk
Passed through his whiskey and into his chest

He stared at me blankly, amazed I was alive
Then at himself, shocked at the pride
That had now fatally let him down
When he told me his name was Jefferson Downs
Smoke from revolver and candle flew
'You killed me once, Downs, but now I've killed you'

One light in the darkness, my peace I make
I pray the lord his soul to take

Author's Note: This is my first poem submission. When reading the poem, focus on the symbolism of the candle in connection with each character's life. Also, notice the line of homage paid to Johnny Cash/Shel Silverstien and AFI.

I really like this, and I'm more than happy to put it up once you've commented on other people's work. thanks.

[Nephilim]

I'm glad you enjoy it, but im aftraid its in the wrong category. I worry that may be why no one has commented on it. i really enjoyed writing it and think many people will enjoy it if it is what they are looking for. is it possible to recategorize this, and if so, where do you think it would fit best?

[Evrviglnt]

It's excellent is what it is! I don't read poems much, but I try to follow the new talent coming into Stories, Neph looks to be a promising addition.

There are some quirky parts, like when you leave out words to stray true to form. With more poetry you'll smooth that out. What is important is that you've shown you are a storyteller, and for the gifted, that is not something one can teach!

[Nephilim]

you made my day right there. i had this story in mind, and i wanted to try my luck with a poem, and i thought no one liked it. but wow...you already made 2007 for me. thank you very much.

[DarkPower]

Yes I agree with Evrviglnt. It is a beautifuly writen story.

[Lubesh]

That was well held together throughout and effortless came to mind as u carried this tale.

[NLuv]

nice very nice
the symbolism with the candle throughout the poem was excellent
just seemed a little strange-no said intentions for the murder of his family
though i guess its nice the reader doesnt know-makes you root more for the victim
anyways nice poem Nephilim

[Corneac]

Very clever...I find it very difficult to tell a story in rhyme. You did it perfectly...and all incorporated the symbolism, references, and a flawless rhythm. I enjoyed it immensely...thanks a bunch.

Love reading western stories. Something so cool about them. This was no exception, it was a short yet awesome journey. Well written.

This bit:

As he stepped in my candle; it shook

That makes it sound like the man actually stood in this guys candle, to me. Unless I have it wrong i'm fairly sure this doesn't happen it's the only thing that seems a little off to me. Other than that, it's great!

[Nephilim]

Edited for clarity. i agree duncan. well not with the 'stepping into the candle' thing , but with the lack of clarity. its been fixed, and thank you very much for continuing to pay close and individual attention to all of our works.

[Nephilim]

again edited to sound better. let me know if it helped or hurt. i would really appreciate a grade if anyone is willing.

This $hit = Fu©kin METAL!

amazing shit dude. id love to see another one

[Nephilim]

Haha wow thanks. that a pretty unique comment and i appreciate it a lot. oddly enough, i was listing to johnny cash when i wrote it, not metal....but i do love me some good metal. this was hard to do tho, and while i do want to write another one, i gotta get the right inspiration to do so. when i do, this is the first place you'll see it.

[Nephilim]

some minor changes have been made to help the flow of the story. those interested, feel free to comment.

[Wordsmyth]

Very nice indeed. As someone who grew up reading Louis L'Amour I found it very well done. I too appreciated the symbolism of the candles and I also liked the fact that you acknowledged Johnny Cash at the end because at first I thought you ripped it off.

Welcome aboard and I hope to see more.

[Nephilim]

i killed a man in reno just to watch him die

too many people love johnny cash for anyone to steal his work. oddly enough, the song i borrowed (a boy named sue) was written by shel silverstien (author of falling up, where the sidewalk ends, ABZ, etc...) just a little FF - fun fact, take it home, chew it (yes, i quoted dane cook too.)

[Emense]

sweet! that was awesome

[Nephilim]

im glad you appreciated it. it was really fun writing it.

[Raider]

OMFG THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING!!!! *runs screaming around his room in shock and awe of the amazingness of this peice of fucking ART!!!!!*

oh wow...just wow...

[Nephilim]

wow im flattered. ive had all sorts of unique comments from this piece. one kid called it "fucking metal". my teacher gave me 8 dollars and said he felt like he just read a movie. my girlfriend did....well suffice it to say, ive had some pretty interesting comments on this, but yours, by far, was the most unique. thank you, raider. you made my day

[angel]

this is good and well written 4 1st piece nice one