[Masa]

The war has been raging, the bodies pile,
While I stand commander all the while,
The desperate cry of a fallen comrade,
Falls upon deaf ears as my mind goes mad.

Descending to Hell, your pay for your peace,
Has broken your soul and your body cease,
Existance is nothing, belief is none,
Bowing your defeated head, life you shun.

Defiance is met with the cold steel blades,
My eyes they burn with blood, my vision fades,
A treasure I have held, and the price great,
Led this pitiful battle, all is fate.

Walking bare-footed upon the wastelands,
Your will is dead, staring at bloodied hands,
Falling deeper into shadow, this fate,
Stepping near the forest, near the scribed gate.

All is done, the command was near-perfect,
None to fight now, now we simply collect,
As I pass each sad, broken face, it deems
The closer we are to Hell so it seems.

The battle is won, was there any doubt?
I take my head in hand, hearing the shout,
Reach out shattered soul, continue the fight,
Take my hand, let us return to the light.

[RENA HANDS]

I believe the word is existence. I am not certain about this sentence...

"I take my head in hand, hearing the shout,"

What about..."I taken my head in hand, hearing their shouts?"

Or..."I take my head in hand, hearing the shouting?"

The poem in its entirety stands perfectly, except for that one sentence that bothered me and only me, the poem as stated previously is marvelous.

[Masa]

I can't change to your will, as the rythm will be altered, but there is only one shout and to take my head in hand is to bury my face in my hands, same thing.

Thank you for reading,

[angel]

excellent masa i love it

[Serac]

Sweet.

I wonder what inspired this piece of kickass?

[Masa]

I dunno Serac, but it must have been pretty good to make me write during my slump.

[EternalPen]

during a slump, you say? That's the BEST time to write!
Not really, but it works for me. Since I've taken quite a vacation here, my understanding of poetry has begun to fade, but I still enjoyed this. The title is what really caught me though. Reading the title, and reading the poetry, I was surprised. They seemed to be one and the same at fist, then somehow different later, then once more the same near the end. I really don't know how to explain what I just said better than that, sorry. But do know this, if anything.
GOOD WORK. ^_^

[Hazel]

I thought you evoked strong images throughout, although to me the overall rhythm was very choppy. For example, the fourth line of the first stanza seemed to have too many syllables for the pace you had set. I'd suggest 'on' instead of 'upon'. The only lines I didn't understand were 'Descending to hell, you pay for your peace/Has broken your soul and your body cease'. I wasn't sure what had 'broken your soul', etc, as I couldn't think of how it tied in to the previous line. But other than that, which is probably just the way I'm reading it, I thought it was overall nicely done. I thought you carried off the rhyming very well, and again, I loved the imagery you created. Nice job.

[Peppy]

Okay, that was a good poem. I was expecting some frivolous junk in the trunk, but what I got was better.

I think I get it. Cough, cough, cough. The pressures of war and the winners. I over-simplified it; that's is how I interpretted it at first. Then there's the other meaning but it's personal to me to share. BWA HA HA!

There are two lines which bugged me:

My eyes they burn with blood, my vision fades,

The word "they" really bugs the hell out of me. I think you might need a comma or something if you want to keep it.

Descending to Hell, your pay for your peace,

What to say? Well, it doesn't flow as well as it should. Try wording it better.

Hmmmmmmm...

[MindsEye]

The rhythm for me was very erratic...I found myself in my own battle to make the words flow. The meaning and imagry are very astute and straight forward and fortunate for this piece. However, the last stanza takes a turn for the imagination to follow and creates an interesting sence of wonder about what was really said in the piece. So it makes you think twice about what you have just read. Maybe even feeling like some hidden meaning was missed among the heart hardening scenes that have been flayed out before us.

With a rhyme sceme like this I would think that some sort of meter, even one that is not entirely symmetric, would do this poem great justice. Overall its a good write and it pushes its imagry home with a strength and intensity that deserve some applause. Very nice.

Oh and I always have a love for alliterated titles, just somthing about 'em