[Venomous Vixen]

Time, suspended in the night’s thick air
Smothered in doubt, hanging from a clothespin
In a breezeless eve, limbo from ground to sky
Lost somewhere in the minutes

Crickets chirp like the seconds, rhythmically
As if pressed on by a metronome half speed,
Slurred with laziness, in time’s thick mesh
With no real hurry to break free

Impenetrable fog lingers against the sky, mocking
Unclear through the haze as time stands still
Supporting the moon trapped in blankets
Of thick clouds, halted in moments

Tangible, the air drips with memories
Pooling against stubborn hours, dragging on
Through the limbo, between ground and sky
Lost somewhere in the minutes

[Ryankia]

I liked this, even though I found the first couple stanzas hard to follow. Yet it may also be my lac, of sleep.

The last stanza is my favorite. It flows nicely and the word choices are the best there IMHO.

[Venomous Vixen]

I am not sure I fully get it either I was missing someone when i was writing this, feeling time thick and still as i watched the clock... and this is how it came out. Glad you liked it

[Lubesh]

Spectacular. Just the notions and words you delicately mesh together...so picturesque and surreal to apoint. You offer up something new and u grow all the time this was great.

[Syrah]

Gorgeously captured moment, I get your moment in my mind... perhaps a different iconic representation. As I know you enjoy the pictures that play in my head I shall share....

Time, suspended in the night’s thick air
Smothered in doubt, hanging from a clothespin
In a breezeless eve, limbo from ground to sky
Lost somewhere in the minutes

Image: A girl in a dark room lit by candlelight and the moon through a window. A clock hanging on the wall nearby the girl ticks monotomously... slowly... she looks at the clock and a tear rolls down her face....

Comments: One again an introduction that grips you. I found the words so eloquently stated that an image popped into my head immediately. This and the last stanza are my favorites. I like how the flow pauses in the middle of the lines... begging the reader to continue on.. a sense of unfinished business persay.

Crickets chirp like the seconds, rhythmically
As if pressed on by a metronome half speed
Slurred with laziness, in time’s thick mesh
With no real hurry to break free

Image: Girl breathes heavily as another tear rolls down her face... crickets doning noise outside that makes her turn her head to the window momentarily. With a heavy sigh, bringing her hands to hold her head.

Comments:

As if pressed on by a metronome half speed

After this line I would put a comma because reading it, I would naturally pause there but with the style of how it is written, it doesn't.. kind of creating a stumbling block for the tongue. I love the words used here and the change in the placements of the commas, switching up the flow again just enough to keep it interesting.

Impenetrable fog lingers against the sky, mocking
Unclear through the haze as time stands still
Supporting the moon trapped in blankets
Of thick clouds, halted in moments

Image: Time still ticking slowly underneath the chorus of the crickets, our girl angles her head to keep her hands supporting while looking out the window. A fog waltzes into the window with a thick transluscency.

Comments: This stanza almost makes me want to pause and appreciate little things like fog rolling in. (wait a sec, I do that all the time.. oh well. still makes me want to) A great set of images that spring to mind in a rich tapestry.

Tangible, the air drips with memories
Pooling against stubborn hours, dragging on
Through the limbo, between ground and sky
Lost somewhere in the minutes

Image: The girl puts on hand to her mouth in a thoughtful way, looking at the clock hardly moving once again. Tears invisible, she gets up and blows out the candle and walks out into the dense of the night.

Comments: A wonderful way to end the poem. Like stated before, this poem is rich in visuals and leaves you with a sense of longing and sadness. Very good work.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thanks very much Lu, always feels really good when I can tell you really liked something I have done.

Sy- I love the way you saw this one, in fact I think it helped me clarify my own thoughts a bit. I was thinking when I wrote this that it doesn't make much sense but I think I realize it does now.

I see what you are saying about the comma, thought I hardly ever use punctuation on the end of a line I think I will be brave and stick that in there lol.

Thank you for reading XO