[Lubesh]

Lit paper breathes, lecherous, illumination,
travels the naked roots that shield a lifetime of memories
interlaced below. The wind's breath sweeps sleeping tendrils, flaring in flickering hypnosis,
and sway in morbid rhythm out of a grasping,
fateful embrace.

Ages fall away as flaking char from writhing bitter limbs.
Spindled, burnt fingers clutch at the breeze, but can only sieve the cool air before
they are severed.

Daylight’s cruel shades disrobe the blackened carcass still stood tall,
its life snuffed out. Too late, cascading heroes dance on dried lips unable to
revive or drown out the ferocious, embalming cloak of death and the weeping willow,
without such a kiss, kneels proudly before falling proudly, scorched and hurt and alone, to her feet.

[RENA HANDS]

I know not your “creative mood,” but must state…Fantastic. Simply brilliant your bone, searing write. I mean the imagery is so powerful, truly thoughtful and heartfelt.

[Lubesh]

Thank you rena.

[Gurdit]

Wow.
This was just so mindblowing.
Anita,... just wow.

[Lubesh]

Well wow to that tid and ty very much indeed.

[Venomous Vixen]

I should not be allowed to read such beautiful and complex things while hungover, I don't think I completely grasped this one lol. But the bits I did were amazing, and the title struck me, as it is my favorite tree. As always, your way with words astounds me.

[Lubesh]

Thanks bri...basically its a tree being set alight. vandals there r too many.

[Fumus]

Wow, I wish I was smart enough to know half the words you wrote...so I made up my own meanings for them...sort of like mad libs. haha!

It's so well written and so descriptive for such a basic thing as a tree being lit on fire. I think that this story is proof to the claim that you can find art and beauty in anything.

[Lubesh]

It's nearly always wherevr u look...thanks for those kind words fumus!

[evizaer]

You try to write some very complex, intricate sentences here. Most of them have at least one glaring error or point of confusion. I couldn't enjoy reading this: I was too busy being annoyed and confused by the problems I saw.

Originally Posted by Lubesh

A touch paper is lit and breathes life into lecherous, lumination,
which travels the naked roots that shield a lifetime of memories
interlaced below. Above, sleeping tendrils, flaring in flickering hypnosis,
are swept by the wind’s breath and sway in morbid rhythm out of a grasping,
fateful embrace.

"Lecherous, lumination," doesn't make any sense. The lit paper breathes life into light? That whole sentence is a mess to me.

touch paper is lit
touch paper breathes life into lecherous ...what?
what is lumination? It's grammatically isolated. Do you mean illumination?
what is travelling? The lumination? The paper? I have to guess the lumination, though it's VERY unclear.

You have two very passive sentences here, as well, that are needlessly that way. You can make them more active through some simple revision:

Lit paper breathes life...
The wind's breath sweeps sleeping tendrils...

Ages fall away in flaking, charred embers, which fall from writhe but bitter limbs.
Spindled, burnt fingers clutch at the breeze, but can only sieve the cool air before
they are severed from grace.

The repitition of "fall" is bad.
"charred embers" is redundant.
"writhe" doesn't make grammatical sense where you have it. Do you mean "lithe"? "writhing"?

Consider revising it to "Ages fall away as flaking char from writhing bitter limbs."

Where does the mention of grace come from? It's completely unrelated to what you have so far.

Daylight’s cruel shades disrobe the blackened carcass still stood tall,
but with life snuffed out.

This just doesn't make a single lick of sense to me.

Too late, cascading heroes dance on dried lips unable to
revive or drown out the ferocious, embalming cloak of death and the weeping willow,
without such a kiss, kneels proudly before falling proudly, scorched and hurt and alone, to her feet.

By far the best sentence in this piece. If you could revise the rest to be this good, I'd like this poem.

[Lubesh]

Thanks for your most constructive feedback....ididn't get a chance to come back to this due to distarctions - then I totally fogot.

I did mean lithe and illumination. I opted for writhing on reflection and as to the question of what is travelling it is the illuminaion (fire) which i thought myself was obvious. Maybe not.

I am glad you took the time and some of your suggested corrections I would still have overlooked..so once again thank you!

[evizaer]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

as to the question of what is travelling it is the illuminaion (fire) which i thought myself was obvious. Maybe not.

The confusion comes from the fact that you have a preposition riding on the back of another preposition. When you do something like that, it becomes unclear where the subject of the second preposition is. In fact, you have four prepositions piled into that sentence. That's usually bad.

Lit paper breathes life into lecherous, illumination,
which travels the naked roots that shield a lifetime of memories
interlaced below.