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02-12-2005, 09:59 AM
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The Snow
A desciption of the snow
T'is beautiful, the glitzening snow Showering the hills, trees and the road See it flutter around us It seems to be alive See it thrive among us Consuming ground and floor See it flutter around us It seems to be alive See it thrive among - It is more than it seems
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"But words are things, and a small drop of ink, Falling, like dew, upon a thought, produces That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think." - Lord Byron Last edited by BookWhale***; 03-12-2005 at 01:39 PM. 
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02-12-2005, 11:28 AM
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Re: The Snow
hi,
I know suggestions are not always best or helpful but i was stopped dead by ur change of tack at the end. It was smooth , forme anyway, till the last line....what came to mind was See it flutter around us It seems to be alive See it thrive among us Ah, it seems it is much more...(more being consistent with ur beginning) anyway a suggestion. On the other hand when i re read it also, the last line appears to be not just a stopping point but expresses a discovery better than using rhyme really.... so..ignore me..lol but good stuff bw
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02-12-2005, 03:13 PM
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Re: The Snow
Well, I don't know about "glitz'n", but I loved the rest of it. It was a real tribute to the snow, and I love the snow. Good job!
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02-12-2005, 11:38 PM
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Re: The Snow
Thanks, guys... I think I am going to change the "glitz'n" to glitzening. It would flow better, I suppose.
I dunno about the last line of the last stnza - I agree with you, lubesh. It doesn't really keep the flow, but it has a strong point...  I am confusing myself, know... lol. I think I will take out the "Ah ", so the line flows better...
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"But words are things, and a small drop of ink, Falling, like dew, upon a thought, produces That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think." - Lord Byron Last edited by BookWhale***; 02-12-2005 at 11:40 PM.
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03-12-2005, 04:34 AM
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Re: The Snow
When you do that, BookWhale, it would be 'glistening'
Good descriptions, but the rhythm is jagged...the second to last line in particular seems unfinished. Good luck with it. 
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"You didn't come into this world. You came out of it, like a wave from the ocean. You are not a stranger here." ~ Alan Watts Last edited by Epsilonist; 03-12-2005 at 04:36 AM.
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