[Corneac]

A moth, framed against the glass
like an emblem, a warning of things to come,
My fingers brush on the frost expecting
the flurry of flight to pre-empt my touch,

Cold, frosted translucence presses itself against
the dampness of its skin, forcing its
refreshing chill upon the etches of my fingertips,

Its wings, thin, immaculate as postage stamps
soaked in luke-warm water, inherent in the soft
curl of it's slender threadbare edges,

Toneless in ancient papyrus, an opaque yellow,
Off-white in its creamery tan as if in the margins
of its frayed edging it notes the history of our world,
A bitter, unbreakable pane away,

I press my thumb and index, their fractioning ridge
do not imbue the slightest quiver,
An icy acknowledgment of my presence and
dermal papillae's listless pressure,

The reluctant gush of my breath
clouds the clarity of its unmoving antennae,
Untouched, flawless, unshaken
it sits, steam carving the indent
of my latent whorl upon it's imprisonment,

Its foot, perhaps twitches, ever so slightly,
Beyond the quickness of my blinking,
blemished gaze,

Perhaps correcting its traction,
The fixture of its heel or balancing toe,
Equilibrium on the faint outline of my thumb's stamp,

[Lubesh]

Blimey...i don't know whether ur peristent insistance that ur crap half the time sort of heightens my total amazement and wonderment each time i read something of yours, or you're just so...dam good is beyond me. either way stop messing with my head lol

An experience more than eloquently captured.

Its foot, perhaps twitches, ever so slightly,
Beyond the quickness of my blinking,
blemished gaze,

Perhaps correcting its traction,
The fixture of its heel or balancing toe,
Equilibrium on the faint outline of my thumb's stamp,

'Perhaps'...brilliant!

[Corneac]

Thanks! So much! Man, I liked this one, I was rather proud of it. I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea and thinking how inspiration likes ignoring me for days at a a time. And I saw a moth on the window, and one hand pressed against the window and the writing furiously. I managed to get this down. Thanks again!

[Phonoho]

I don't think inspiration ignores us. It's always there; transmitting signals to those who can listen. We simply dont, or can't, always leave our radios turned on; life intervenes, demanding our attention. It's like your computer when your router goes down; information is coming in, but it's not getting through. But when it comes, it comes like a busy little insect, intent on its own motion, but foiled by something unseen until you put your hand to the glass.

[Epsilonist]

Brilliant. I loved this stanza:

Toneless in ancient papyrus, an opaque yellow,
Off-white in its creamery tan as if in the margins
of its frayed edging it notes the history of our world,
A bitter, unbreakable pane away,

for sheer descriptive imagery and also the hint one gets of regret, a loss of history somehow symbolized by this small insect. Gad, I think I'm going to be melancholy every time I see a beige moth from now on.

Fantastic impact.

[FantasticMuse]

Crazy great. Like a moment etched in time, photograph kinda good.

I thought you could've write poetry?

Liar.

[Corneac]

Thanks all. I appreciate it tons. Any criticisms?

[SeaN]

Corneac, corneac, corneac...

(I was just shooting for an original critique opening there )

Well, I have read this one a bunch of times now. I do like it- but you are surely sick to death of hearing about your imagery by now . It's hard to offer criticism I find on poems like this, especially when the author is as accomplished a writer as you are; errors are few and far between. Also, without a rhyme scheme there is little I can offer but opinion.

I don't like how you used 'glass' twice in the first stanza. I wonder a bit about your capitalization... although it works, why not preempt with a period instead of a comma?

I press my thumb and index, their fractioning ridge
do not imbue the slightest quiver,

I don't quite understand what 'their' references in this line. Is it your fingertips? This part could be slightly clearer... maybe you meant to pluralize 'ridge'? I'm just not sure what you were saying.

These are three very minor points, and I was really digging. Nice work though man. I always enjoy such vivid descriptions, and the way you meld the literal and the abstract was very nice in this one.


(ok... is it 'the fractioning ridge' that is formed by the pressing of the fingers together? I suppose I see that...hmm I'm still thinking about this one.)

[Eadha Deora]

you really should be proud of this one ... it is breath-taking. I know you think my stuff is "good" but really, you should look to your own writings for they are excellent. This is so pain-stakingly delicate, gorgeous and balanced that I feel as if I sit on the glass with the moth, feeling the cold and vulnerability of the poem, as described.

Not a single word wasted. Every part of it was compact, delivering excellent quality line after line. The descriptions well chosen. The images well developed. The metaphors well alluded.

I am so pleased!!! This is the kind of poem that belongs in an anthology or poetry collection.

[Corneac]

Haha..thanks Sean and Eadha! Thanks so much for the criticism man, I'll be sure to take your advice. Really appreciative. And Jenn, thanks, that means so much coming form you.

Cheers guys.

[Venus]

I hated it.

lol-no I'm kidding everyone else was just so full of praise-seemed like you needed a critic...loved it babe. Keep it up.

The 4th stanza was my favorite.

I'm with Syrah on using glass twice in the first stanza.

[Venomous Vixen]

I think I just formed a new appreciation for your everyday house moth. Very brilliantly done

[Corneac]

I think I just formed a new appreciation for your everyday house moth. Very brilliantly done

Haha. Thanks so much. Yes, inspiration comes from the strangest places. Thanks again.

[Masa]

All these comments for a MOTH!? I write my guts out on the page and I'll get three people, maybe four if I'm lucky! Ah well, for a moth, you described it to the point that it was so beautifully doen I'm never touching a moth again.

[Venomous Vixen]

Just was reading back over this one.
A - to see what changes you have from then to now
B - because it makes me smile, it's so gorgeous
C - because I can

[Corneac]

Thanks Bri! Yes, no changes, I havw to send it out, eventually. But I'm not sure.

Thanks Bri.