[Bluejay]

The Baker started out his day
. He mixed the dough to bake for bread,
. When sudden pain coursed through his head.
He faltered and began to sway,
. . . Then fell directly to the floor.
. . . His breathing stilled; he stirred no more.

When the townsfolk found him gone,
. They called the Doctor and the Priest,
. To save his body, or at least
To help his soul move up and on.
. . . The doctor sighed then shook his head.
. . . "I've checked him out. This man is dead."

The townsfolk mourned their loved friend.
. They held each other to console
. The hole they felt within their soul
Now that his life was at an end.
. . . And to be sure the death would take,
. . . The family chose to have a wake.

They placed him in a box of wood
. Within the church to give him time
. To see if he'd made up his mind
And left the little town for good.
. . . And when the evening turned to night,
. . . They prayerfully went to wait for light.

The following morn, the man awoke,
. And rising up, he looked around.
. His body traumatized, he found
His left side numb, the final stroke.
. . . And, coated well in flour and sweat,
. . . He was the perfect fly magnet.

He stumbled from the vacant church
. And sought at once the path back home
. Preferring bed to lonely tomb.
His bad side causing him to lurch,
. . . Having nearly lost his life,
. . . He dragged himself toward home and wife.

When the townsfolk found him gone,
. They called again the Priest and Doc
. To make sense of this awful shock,
To try to see what had gone wrong.
. . . Declared the Doctor, slightly red,
. . . "I checked him out - the man was dead."

And then a bright one said aloud,
. "Perhaps a roaming evil spirit
. Found his body and, drawing near it,
Stole it from beneath the shroud."
. . . The people looked around in fear
. . . That walking evil walked so near.

They formed a group of fitful men
. (Or at least the ones who seemed most fit)
. And sent them out to hunt for it.
To drive the evil hence again.
. . . And not far from the church bell's ring,
. . . They found the awful, horrid thing.

It staggered with a zombie's gait.
. Drool flowed down a twisted face,
. And flies accompanied its pace.
Demonic babble did it state.
. . . As flies are minions of the Devil,
. . . They were convinced the thing was evil.

They sprinkled it with Holy Wet,
. Spoke words and anointed its head.
. He stumbled on. Aback, they said,
"This is the strongest demon yet!"
. . . And then the simple, fearful men
. . . Rose up and beat him dead again.

They placed him back inside the box.
. And closed the lid to hide the proof
. Of what they had been forced to do,
To save the family undue shock.
. . . And with his casket duly blessed,
. . . They laid him down, at last, to rest.

[iyengar]

I liked the idea and language used, both were simple yet had a profound meaning. the ryhtm was also good. Would suggest a couple of changes.

"He mixed the dough to bake for bread" ... i think the for is not required, the line sounds much better sans it.

"The hole they felt within their soul, Now that his life was at an end" May be you could start with "A hole..."

"Preferring bed to lonely tomb."..this does not quite fit the meter, its a trifle short..may be you could modify it to "Preferring his bed.."

[Bluejay]

Originally Posted by iyengar

I liked the idea and language used, both were simple yet had a profound meaning. the ryhtm was also good. Would suggest a couple of changes.

"He mixed the dough to bake for bread" ... i think the for is not required, the line sounds much better sans it.

"The hole they felt within their soul, Now that his life was at an end" May be you could start with "A hole..."

"Preferring bed to lonely tomb."..this does not quite fit the meter, its a trifle short..may be you could modify it to "Preferring his bed.."

Regarding the first, it helps the rhythm. The rhythm is imabic, alternating unstressed and stressed beats.

"he MIXED the DOUGH to BAKE for BREAD"

Removing the "for" would break the rhythm.

And for the last:

"pre-FER-ring BED to LONE-ly TOMB"

Again, adding "his" would break the rhythm, putting two unstressed beats before "bed":

"pre-FER-ring his BED to LONE-ly TOMB"

Regarding the hole in their soul, I actually don't like that part anyway. How do you console a hole? I think I got carried away with the internal rhyme.

Thanks for reading and for the comments! I appreciate it.

[Peppy]

Oh my goodness, it was sad and scary for me. I liked how you brought the poem out, it was awesome. (Oh yeah, those three dots fooled me, I was wondering how you did that).

[Bluejay]

Thanks, Peppy. I meant it to be slightly humorous, but I guess it ended up just being dark...

[ejenk21]

They formed a group of fitful men.
(Or at least the ones who seemed most fit)

To my mind, this, the doctor, and other bits lighten it up enough.

Thank goodness for someone who still takes the trouble to write poetry that scans and rhymes.

[Bluejay]

Thank you for the comments. I do try...

[ManthaStoirmeil]

It is humorous. My sainted father would have loved it, who called his wife "widder-woman" whenever he had a cold.

In verse 5, you have dangled a participle. I know almost everyone does it nowadays, and it's like trying to hold back an ocean full of Normans, but it's a technical error. "And having not a bath or swim" has to refer to the subject of the following clause -- not the flies, but the poor man himself. Maybe: "Not having had a bath or swim / he found the flies adoring him." Or some such.

But it's great -- actually sounds like the kind of thing that could happen in some village somewhere.

[Bluejay]

Ah, I see what you mean - it binds to the wrong noun. Ok, I'll think about how to correct that. It never occurred to me, but now that you mention it, it's perfectly clear.

Thanks!

[Bluejay]

Ok, changed. I never liked the "bath or swim" business anyway...

[Masa]

Oh how tragic... poor poor man... if only... oh what does it matter? Fiction is fiction, however I fear such a fate is possible, I daresay it can happen!

Lovely, I felt like I was reading on old folk story, and that must mean its good no?

[Gilamesh]

...This was good...sad to see so little satire in here though

[Nephilim]

i liked it. it was a short, fun read. not too deep, but it doesnt have to be.

i agree with the bread remark. how about instead:

As mixed the dough bread,
A sudden pain coursed through his head.


i think it sounds better that way, a little bit more brief, but holds the same amount of meaning. you can probably come up with a better way to word it.

other than that, yeah. good poem, i will look for others from you. i dont quite see the satire, but im not the most brilliant guy out there (currently have a C+ in AP English Lit).

best of luck

[Bluejay]

Originally Posted by Nephilim

i liked it. it was a short, fun read. not too deep, but it doesnt have to be.

i agree with the bread remark. how about instead:

As mixed the dough bread,
A sudden pain coursed through his head.


i think it sounds better that way, a little bit more brief, but holds the same amount of meaning. you can probably come up with a better way to word it.

other than that, yeah. good poem, i will look for others from you. i dont quite see the satire, but im not the most brilliant guy out there (currently have a C+ in AP English Lit).

best of luck

Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Regarding the suggested change, each line has four beats. So what you suggest doesn't fit. But thanks anyway.

[Wordsmyth]

It staggered with a zombie's gait.
. Drool flowed down a twisted face,
. And flies accompanied its pace.
Demonic babble did it state.
. . . As flies are minions of the Devil,
. . . They were convinced the thing was evil.

I love this part. I can see this guy walking along saying, "Hey guy's lookie here , I'm still alive."

But nobody can understand him.

Very, very, good piece. Reminded me of some of the rhymes I use to hear when I was a kid.

[Bluejay]

And probably being quite annoyed to boot.

I wrote this after reading another poem that had this structure (can't remember what it was, but it was a "classic" poem, from an anthology). I don't remember where the topic came from, but I'd heard stories about wakes and why they were done. I love irony, and this ended up quite ironic and humanly tragic...

Thanks for the comments.

[Gurdit]

This one certainly was quite ironic and had a subtle dark humour to it.
I liked the meter and the rhythm as well, especially the meter.

And finally, I love the title