[evizaer]

)the ending.
Here we see a lonely songbird
singing (solitude, its tune),
voice weaving through leaves,
filtered by the warm
air between the trees of a forest(

a foolish, poorly wrought end

)the middle--
Here we discuss
(we whisper in our wistful academic tone)
the nature of love
and why would two pure reasons converge
in flesh so impure?

--waits on the beginning
where truth shines unfiltered
by a forest,
by a mind,
and is not caught on the lips
of Aphrodite (but spreads
from Athena's open hands).

[Ryankia]

Ok, per request, bringing this up. He already knows my thoughts on it

[Venomous Vixen]

The poem itself is a beauty, but I am not fond of your use of punctuation personally. The way you begin and end each stanza really turns my eyes off continue, seems like an end before a beginning. Also, I tend to use italics rather than ( ) as a second voice, something more pleasing to my eyes and it does not impede the flow but rather easily allows the reader to adjust to the change. These are all personal preferences to me, and the way I like to read things but just minor observations. Grammatically and content wise I really have nothing negative to say, you captured and carried through the idea flawlessly in my opinion. Great to have you around and again, welcome.

[evizaer]

Originally Posted by Venomous Vixen

The poem itself is a beauty, but I am not fond of your use of punctuation personally. The way you begin and end each stanza really turns my eyes off continue, seems like an end before a beginning. Also, I tend to use italics rather than ( ) as a second voice, something more pleasing to my eyes and it does not impede the flow but rather easily allows the reader to adjust to the change. These are all personal preferences to me, and the way I like to read things but just minor observations. Grammatically and content wise I really have nothing negative to say, you captured and carried through the idea flawlessly in my opinion. Great to have you around and again, welcome.

The use of punctuation is crucial to this poem. If I cut it down or changed it, I think it would change the flow and feel of the poem negatively. I put a lot of thought into the placement of each piece of punctuation so it makes sense and contributes to meaning.

I would choose against using italics in a poem because italics is not meant to be used for "second voice" in any poetry I've read. It's not an accepted way of indicating such a shift in this medium, so I think it would distract the reader. The parenthesis and dashes are used (with one exception) in the way they should be grammatically used.

Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated.

[dearest]

Idea very beautifully and poetically stated. I also love how you've started with "the ending" and ended with "the beginning"; it gives the piece a nice, circular feel. Very good choice. ^_^ I only have one criticsm that hasn't already been brought up (and it's a pretty small one). In stanza one line 5, the line break between "warm" and "air" seemed to me to disrupt the flow. Of course, it's entirely up to you. Anyways, thanks very much for a lovely piece and welcome to SM!

[evizaer]

I often use line breaks to point out double-meanings that I think are imporant. On that line that you pointed out, the line break draws your attention to "warm" as well as "warm air." The intention is to give the reader the impression that the wong is filtered by the metaphorical warmth of friendship or love, as well as the fact that it is physically filtered by the warm air.