[Hirak]

Who has understood the meaning of time?
Those who have, never had time to say.
That which slithers like a serpent of life,
Yet it hovers like a bird of prey.

Time that bestills the flowing rivers,
But its waves like ripples flow,
Myriads of moments together it keeps,
Yet neither it hastens and nor does it slow.

Time is for ever, a friend or a foe?
An illusion of truth amidst day and night.
A sniff of time which shadow has smelt?
An embodiment of balance between darkness and light.

Who has understood the meaning of time,
But time alone, a mirage of a kind.
For to find time, is a dream of Man,
To be a man, whom time shall find.

- Hirak.

[Nupur]

Excellent work, Hirak. You had some complex thoughts here, but you've managed to condense them into a devourable mass. I loved the rhyme scheme. It's the same old ABCB scheme, but you've brought in your own uniqueness and maturity into it. The choice of words was excellent in my opinion.

Who has understood the meaning of time?
Those who have, never had time to say.
That which slithers like a serpent of life,
Yet it hovers like a bird of prey.

Brilliant introductory lines. The concept of time, the mysteries of which have eluded generations... it's a wonderful way to put that forward. I loved the 'serpent' simile. Usually serpents are associated with negative thoughts; death destruction... but people forget that the same snake is an emblem of the Medical Council. Definitely 'a serpent of life'. You rounded up this simile with another wonderful simile, that of a 'bird of prey'. You kept the 'animal' connection so that the reader can identify it immediately, and yet to managed to convey just the opposite thought.

Time that bestills the flowing rivers,
But its waves like ripples flow,
Myriads of moments together it keeps,
Yet neither it hastens and nor does it slow.

Enter musical quality. The gushing of a stream, a river... you've created the atmosphere here and carried the same throughout the stanza using words like 'ripples', 'waves', 'slow' and 'hasten'. I could picture a brook emerging from the snowcapped mountains, winding its way through the plains. While keeping the image firm in my mind, you also brought in your primary theme, 'Time' in such a beautiful manner. Commendable.

Time is for ever, a friend or a foe?
An illusion of truth amidst day and night.
A sniff of time which shadow has smelt?
An embodiment of balance between darkness and light.

I loved this stanza, but I thought the last line was too wordy, and that disrupted the flow a little. All through the poem, you've kept to a maximum of 10 syllables per line. A few lines do exceed that, but it's nothing noticeable. But here, all of a sudden I had a line with fourteen syllables. This was like a speed breaker where the flow is concerned. You've used big words like 'embodiment', 'balance', 'darkness'... all in the same line. It was like having too much of it thrown on you. A little break in the flow, but apart from that, I loved this stanza.

Who has understood the meaning of time,
But time alone, a mirage of a kind.
For to find time, is a dream of Man,
To be a man, whom time shall find.

Here you returned to your original thought by choosing the begin this stanza in the same manner as the previous one. I love the use of the word 'mirage' here. It's a reflection, you can see it, yet it doesn't exist in the true sense. It's abstract, just like time. A wonderful metaphor. The last two lines were definitely my favourites here. The roundabout quality worked wonders. It's such a deep abstract thought, and yet everyone can identify with it.

Brilliant work, Hirak. I loved this.

[Hirak]

Thank you for the amazing comment!!

Only thing I can say is I could not find any replacement to the longer line. Nothing I tried satisfied me. Maybe someone else can help? I knew it was long when I wrote it, but I couldn't shorten it.

Hirak.

[Maud]

Hi, Hirak, don't think we've met before. Just wanted to warn you, when I comment I do it very pragmatically, a step at a time, and there isn't orginzation to it other than my whacky thought process. So sorry if I confuse you.

Who has understood the meaning of time?
At first I didn't like this, yet I see that you were able to tie the end to this. I still have to say though that I think that the rhetorical question is ineffective. Most people think that rhetorical questions mean that the author doesn't want a response, but he does. A rhetorical questions is meant to have the reader ask the question of himself, and you should come to answer it for him. Or use his answer to reinforce an argument or point. I did not see this being done here. To me it seemed like a way of introducing your point, ways that can be done more effectively outside a question. R.C.s are trite and overused, so try and use them more sparingly.

That which slithers like a serpent of life,
Yet it hovers like a bird of prey.
Good use of figurative language, paints an image and illustrates a point. Less and less am I seeing good fig. lang. on this site, I definitly appreciate it here and in other parts of the poem.

Myriads of moments together it keeps,
Yet neither it hastens and nor does it slow.
Faulty rhythm and flow here. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean. The second line drags on far past the first.

Time is for ever, a friend or a foe?

the two different thoughts can't be combined, they don't really releate but rather you digress to a different point. it felt like "[is it] a friend or foe?" would have it make more sense. But to me it sounds disjointed.

Who has understood the meaning of time,
But time alone, a mirage of a kind.
For to find time, is a dream of Man,
To be a man, whom time shall find.


This is just too much. Poems, are not essays, and a mistake I often make as you did here is to restate your theme in the last paragraph almost as a conclusion. It can end, but it shouldn't conclude. Also each clause here is a separate thought, independent of each other, and you try to synthesize them into one enormous sentence. This results in a faulty rhythm much choppier. So altogether you have lost the poetic feel but the force philosophic ranting of a soapbox shouter that I so often take on. Trust me its not good.

I think that you can convey your message through imagery, metaphor, etc OR through direct statement with reinforcement through rhetoric but whatever you do don't jam it in at the end. With all the support and imagery at the beggning. I was planning on so much praise, but then that last stanza jumped in and I felt so dissapointed.

All in all though, it was a very good poem. I think if you craft your works with that beauty I seen in the beginning, with more patience towards getting the message out, or more focus to the message, I am sure you'll be awesome.

[Hirak]

A late reply I apologize. I read what you had to say, and I have a question for you..

Ever read Pablo Neruda? What are your thoughts of his poems?

Hirak.