[Lubesh]

Scorches of betrayal at our hands, at our feet
Cleansing our impurity only serves the deceit

Grasped by twisted vines of irony and decay
We writhe within a spiral of doom and dismay

They choke our reason and strangle belief
With thorns of our own design and of our grief

The velocity at which we defeat our desires
Adds to the perpetuation of mythmakers and liars

False tears go unheard and soon the dam breaks
Life's lakes of sorrows overflow and exude the fakes

[Cradenburg]

Liked the poem, especially how it brings across stuff in two liners, and the rhyme that goes on every word though not forcefully rhymed

[Laughing Man]

Very nice lube.

came across as a very angry poem. i like it.

[Lubesh]

Thanks guys

[Syrah]

Very sophisticated.... high quality rhyming scheme. Content very interesting and a intriguing read. Very apropriate formatting and vocabulary. Only thing is the tongue trips at "Life's lakes" although minimal. Double L's hmm.

[Lubesh]

Thanks syrah very much..yeah double l's, which to be honest didn't seem a problem at the time i was caught up in the pluralisation of lakes and sorrows etc and put it thru word, singular or plural as it thought that would be the stumbling block for people. But, stop ur morning drinking and the L's will be but a bad memory.lol ok i am leaving the country now....

[Syrah]

LOL..... from what country to which?

[Lubesh]

scrap that.u took it well lol

[Storiesmaniac]

morning drinks? hahah great poem old one...i like it alot...

[Maud]

ok this piece is hard to review but I shall give it a shot:

The asthetic view is pretty good. And by asthetic I mean how it sounds. I find it remakarable that there is a solid pattern in a poem with such long lines. It is a hard think to find but you did it over all. Rhyming dosent seen contrived, rather tasteful at that.

Your wordchoice (descrption, beauty, ambiance) isnt that great. Not bad just metokere. There is not if anything that I can point out and say "There this proves is" because it is not lacking anything just missing something. Metaphor and figurative language isnt missing and it is hard for me to put a finger to it but yet it still exists. All i can say is to look over it yourself and to try and inforce a better picture.

The meaning seems alittle spread out. Its hard to understand at a first read and even at a second but one will get it eventually if thought out. I as a reader shouldnt have to think about what the author is saying just the content of that statment. In other words one should never ask what but why.

Good not great is the most basic summary I can offer.

POE,
Muad'Dib

[Lubesh]

Thanks maud, what i was trying to convey was that most if not all of our woes on are brought on by and large by ourselves(man)...so we should quit whinging.

[colinbaker62]

Scorches of betrayal at our hands, at our feet
Cleansing our impurity only serves the deceit

Grasped by twisted vines of irony and decay
We writhe within a spiral of doom and dismay

They choke our reason and strangle belief
With thorns of our own design and of our grief

The velocity at which we defeat our desires
Adds to the perpetuation of mythmakers and liars

False tears go unheard and soon the dam breaks
Life's lakes of sorrows overflow and exude the fakes

Now I can read bundles of truth in this work. If I interpreted the work correctly (IE as it was intended) I take it to mean that mankind's ignorance is of his own making, albeit necessary at the time. So for example religion, mystacism and beliefs in magic necessarily arose as human history developed as a means among other things, of enabling the species to cope with and understand the world as it existed, or indeed as it currently exists. Next, the quantitative forward movement of human knowledge, not least that of science, is always matched to a greater or lesser degree by the dissemination of ever more myth making. Finally, the quantitative build up if you like of rationality and reason, it is anticipated, will eventually sweep away mankind's need for such myth and superstition.


If this is an accurate interpretation, I too, hope this is indeed the case. With the application of rational and socially scientific intelligence, I believe human beings can indeed overcome their present confused (alienated?) state.



Colin

[UnikueUmair]

absolutely loved it...the two liners presents the theme in a very wise manner. NICE!

[Lubesh]

Thank you, good to see u found ur way around.....keep it up lol

[colinbaker62]

Yes..I think this is saying that quantitative change will eventually lead to qualitative change in human society. When, in this particular case, enough grief and suffering has occurred and when enough people can see an alternative way forward for society generally (or a particular section of society), then qualitative transformation is a real possibility. Bravo!


Colin

[DarkPower]

personaly my favorite yet

[Avathar]

hmmm, interesting... A meaning do I indeed infer in this piece, although I cannot say that I agree with you, er, holistically. A very self-ironizing poem, methinks. I think it wades through a lot of genuine fraud in an attempt to get at the truth... But what that truth may be nobody knows....

Only, I can't shake the feeling that it's on the wrong track....