[Masa]

Our sinful conduct has reached the limit,
Our constant cursing has brought upon it,
Our utter blasphemy brought this rue,
Now we have placed our hopes onto you.

Bitter judgment, a shameful people,
The crosses burn, a blood-stained steeple,
Priests wear bloody gloves, Monks draped in bones,
Only music is discords and moans.

Damned by every right, Hell on earth,
All who are born here are dead from birth,
Spirits dead from realization,
For none so damned can seek Salvation.

[angel]

excellent masa, a truly heartfelt piece

[roan54]

i think maybe it would flow a little better if you put "Our sinful conduct has reached the limit" instead of have. but maybe im missing something. anyway, its a really good poem, i love the dark feeling you get when reading it.

[Phonoho]

Good poem, Masa! I have noticed a flurry of this type of work coming from you lately and wonder if they are indicative of some inner conflict you may have been struggling with. If so, you do seem to have the upper hand....for now.

[Eadha Deora]

*love* the rhythm and rhyming ... very well done .. descriptions are succinct and illustrative as well. I have no complaints .. you get a gold star, Masa!

[Masa]

Thanks everybody! I may not get gigantic piles of comments, but the ones I do get are very welcome and loved!

Roan - I fixed it, I do agree with you... *sob* no use in English and Japanese!? What has happened to me!?

Phonoho - I've had a few things come up from my past that I'd rather not speak of, but it made me a little sad, so I tried to seek salvation... even though this poem may not hint at myself reaching such honorable status.

Arsenalelite - I thank you, I actually like this poem.

Eadha Deora - Whoo! Praised by the Goddess of Poetry! I accept that gold star and will hang it on my wall so I can wake up every morning staring at it! I thank you for your kind words and most appreciative statements!

[Lubesh]

One of your better and darker pieces.shows ur strength and growth in ur work.nice one masa!

[Masa]

Thanks Lubesh! Coming from you, means all the world of course!

[Subconscious]

i really like this piece...
great emotion...
great content...
love the imagery...
and the voice is as much a part of today as it is yesterday

[SeaN]

Very dark bud. The flow works quite well and the structure is solid. Nicely done. There were a couple junctions at which I believe the grammar could have been better; I don't mean this as an insult in any way, I just thought I'd point it out and see what you think:

"Our sinful conduct has reached the limit,
Our constant cursing has brought upon it,"

'upon it' is a bit awkward... I know it is the easiest way to rhyme 'limit', but I have to admit being the second line it kind of skewed my vision right away.

'Only music is discords and moans'
phonetically the triple repetition of the hard 's' here troubles my eye... 'moans' and 'discords' being plural preceded by the 'is'... could just be me though.

Your third stanza I think is superb.
Quote:
All who are born here are dead from birth,
Very powerful idea, and the execution is brilliant.

Nice work overall masa! I hope I'm not to hard on you there, but I figured I'd say what was on my mind.

Hey, when's chapter 7 of Times Trinity coming out? I've been stuck in a hotel since Monday, and I forgot my book at home! I need some good reading material!

[Masa]

Well thanks you two, I like this poem and enjoy reading your feedback!

Time's Trinity is on a little waiting list, I'm troubled by some old friends, but I'll continue, don't worry, it'll be soon... maybe... hopefully.