[DarkPower]

From across the pond
blood falls free,
a child plays in the
sandbox.

Small fists bang together
dusty cracked bones
and crown themselves the victor.

I stare at the other mothers
sure of my superiority,
as I kiss another son and daughter
farewell.

I send my children
in droves
to play,
and I watch.

[Lubesh]

I liked the covered inner message or intent if i am right.and since i just went and crapped on an earlier poem of urs..this brings me bak as with the others this month or sos...to ur 'real' talent for writing......execllent! Before ry eats u..how about some punctuation in the lines maybe?

[Ryankia]

Beautiful DP! Much better than the other one (like Ani said). The message was brilliant and vaguely conveyed.

Before ry eats u..how about some punctuation in the lines maybe?

I eat people?! O.O I actually liked the punctuation on this one - as strange as that may sound. lol

[DarkPower]

oh yeah thanks anita for the backhanded compliment lol... ok well not so backhanded but it might as well be after that other comment. But thank you just the same.

And Ryankia, thank you for liking the punctuation. I was going to worry about it more but then I thought what the hell just do what I do. lol.

I have Phonoho to thank for this poem actually, he inspired me to write it.

[Ryankia]

I have Phonoho to thank for this poem actually, he inspired me to write it.

Awesome! He can be an inspirational little bugger! ^.~

[DarkPower]

That he can, I do believe this is my second poem that was a result of a conversation with him. Cant remember the other one at the moment though.

[Corneac]

Don't I inspire you? Hahahaha


Wow this a marvel, really, I loved the subtle nuances of meaning, it has so much depth. The imagery - although painting a such vivid surface picture, hints to so much more. All over, a fantastic piece DP. I loved it.

I send my children
in droves
to play,
and I watch.

such poetic simplicity, that really, makes you think...amazing. Very impressive Sakina.

[evizaer]

Originally Posted by DarkPower

[center] From across the sea
fate calls,
a child plays in the
sandbox.

The contrast of "fate calls" and the child in the sandbox is great. I would emphasize it in revision by modifying the punctuation a bit:

From across the sea:
Fate calls!
(A child plays
in the sandbox.

That may change the meaning a little, but I find it more effective and almost humorous. It strikes me more directly than the original--the comma was a weird way to bridge those two thoughts.

Small fists bang together
dusty cracked bones
and crown themselves the victor.

The idea here is great. I don't like the execution, though. "Themselves" refers to the cracked bones and small fists--is that what you really mean? I think it should refer to the owners of the fists.

I feel like "bang" is a weak word, as well. Here's how I would revise it:

Small fists crash together
cracking dusty bones:
a victor is crowned.

I stare at the other mothers
sure of my superiority,
as I kiss another son and daughter
farewell.

Another good stanza. I would change the "son and daughter" to "son or daughter," though, because "another" would suggest a singular object.

I send my children
in droves
to play,
and I watch.

But how do you watch? You could make this hit so much harder by adding just one more adjective here!

You may want to parenthicize the whole rest of the poem after "Fate calls." it'd be so much clearer what's going on. It'd also be wonderfully clever and playful with punctuation. Think about it for a minute: The first two lines state what everyone sees, the rest in parenthesis would show what's really happening, and what is shuffled aside. It's the mother country whispering in the listeners ear right after it yells.

Overall, this piece has great potential: it's good as it stands, it will be awesome with some sharpening. I love the meaning as well. You do well in conveying it.

[DarkPower]

thank you Chris, you do inspire me actually. Quite often now.

well evizaer... wow. You really went to town on this poem and for that I thank you, however I will tell you that the whole idea was to make it very dream like, not too solid.

From across the sea
fate calls,
a child plays in the
sandbox.

I use this single comma and period because it makes the stanza read very simple. I get the feeling that these children are being whisked away overseas on a breeze. The whole overtone of the poem is soft because of the fact I want you to see these children as... well just that little children. Babies even which leads me to the next stanza.

Small fists bang together
dusty cracked bones
and crown themselves the victor.

Because they are children I didnt want too harsh a word, thus I used bang. I can see the children banging these bones together as they concentrate on cracking them. You know how children take things so seriously when they play. But you know when I explain it all it looses so much.

I stare at the other mothers
sure of my superiority,
as I kiss another son and daughter
farewell.

The son and daughter is to make it more personal. If you use the word or it makes it impersonal because how could you feel connected with your child if its just another son OR daughter... do you get my drift.

I send my children
in droves
to play,
and I watch.

Now for watching without much emotion... well thats exactly the problem right? How could a mother send her son and daughter without feeling sad or regret or something?

I know... I am packing way too much feeling and meaning into such a small poem but thats just how I write. It could use with some sharpening, you got me there, but not too much I think.

Again thank you evizaer

[Storiesmaniac]

holy schmokes, thats incredible, two for two in my books, maybe i should start reading more of your poems, although the first two comments said this one was better then another one i havent read...lol...This is great hun...I dont however agree that another objective in the last line would make it powerful, the simplicity ofwhat you have there makes it all the more powerful and leave it tothe imagination, also it would ruin the beautifully placed vaugeness of the poem. Really really well done. Great!!

[DarkPower]

well thank you very much tim. Yes you should read more of my poems... but then your not the only guilty one, I should read more of your poems as well.

[Corneac]

thank you Chris, you do inspire me actually. Quite often now.

Woot...go me....

[evizaer]

Originally Posted by DarkPower

thank you Chris, you do inspire me actually. Quite often now.

well evizaer... wow. You really went to town on this poem and for that I thank you, however I will tell you that the whole idea was to make it very dream like, not too solid.

From across the sea
fate calls,
a child plays in the
sandbox.

I use this single comma and period because it makes the stanza read very simple. I get the feeling that these children are being whisked away overseas on a breeze. The whole overtone of the poem is soft because of the fact I want you to see these children as... well just that little children. Babies even which leads me to the next stanza.

"fate calls" is not something a child would think. Fate calling is not a simple concept. That's why I tried to separate it from the childish sandbox part.

Small fists bang together
dusty cracked bones
and crown themselves the victor.

Because they are children I didnt want too harsh a word, thus I used bang. I can see the children banging these bones together as they concentrate on cracking them. You know how children take things so seriously when they play. But you know when I explain it all it looses so much.

You missed the point of my criticism: This stanza is grammatically awkward because "Themselves" doesn't have a clear referent.

"Dusty cracked bones" is also completely outside the flow of the stanza if you leave it unpunctuated.

I stare at the other mothers
sure of my superiority,
as I kiss another son and daughter
farewell.

The son and daughter is to make it more personal. If you use the word or it makes it impersonal because how could you feel connected with your child if its just another son OR daughter... do you get my drift.

I don't get your drift, because "and" has nothing to do with the connection you feel to a child. "Son and daughter" means you necessarily send BOTH a son and daughter off to die at once. You need to send both or none. That is an odd thing to say and does not flow as well as "son or daughter."

It could just be a regional dielect that gives that and different meaning, though. So you can disregard that point.

I send my children
in droves
to play,
and I watch.

Now for watching without much emotion... well thats exactly the problem right? How could a mother send her son and daughter without feeling sad or regret or something?

I did not mention emotion. "and I watch" is so terribly passive. "watch" isn't a strong verb. I was simply suggesting that you may want to try a more descriptive verb, or try adding on an adjective or adverb to make it speak more powerfully.

I know... I am packing way too much feeling and meaning into such a small poem but thats just how I write. It could use with some sharpening, you got me there, but not too much I think.

You are not packing too much anything into this poem. You have enough in it. I'm just trying to help you polish it and offer you some alternative ideas to help improve it.

If you want to so staunchly defend it and shelter in the sanctity of the original, that doesn't bother me one wit. I'm just trying to help.

[DarkPower]

LOl well thank you I see your point with the fate especially. I found after all I didn't like it anymore. The idea of the sandbox and fate though I thought were ... did at least go well together since sandbox had nothing to do with children really. Maybe I should say accross the pond instead of sea though, what do you think? After all its a known saying "when we go accross the pond into the sandbox.." or have none of yall heard that.