[Venomous Vixen]

Dark grey swells roll across the night's sky
A body stands, illuminated in a sliver of the moon
Curiously lost in wonder, looking beyond
Waiting for the shower, a cleansing of sin

Face upturned, catching the first cool drop
It slides down flushed skin, tangled with tears
Falling further, washing away regret of yesterdays
Times passed that can never be forgotten

Fake life, lies, succumbing to what's real
Need to feel something, anything, the rain
Soaking, trembling in the street, standing alone
Destiny, a cruel trick, a life long prison

Then the movement, animal instinct, no thought
Feet tease one another, mimicking and mocking
Body begins to sway between the drops
Suddenly dancing, taunting what lies ahead

Laughter echoes against the horizon, soulfully
Tired of drowning in a world unnoticed
Shaking off too many lost opportunities
Vowing to never let go of another second

The rain and the body becoming one
Sliding in unison, playfully feeling one another
Primitive dance of two lovers, their secret
Eyes taunting, movements outdoing the last

In the moment, in the heat and the rain
Lost inside, world spinning, time standing still
All too soon clouds pass, trees stop and stare
Breath caught, collapsed in exhaustion, reflection

Still staring in wonder, up and past the stars
A fleeting memory tied between the two
Dancing with the sky, tapping on life
And neither will ever be the same again

[Lubesh]

Need to feel anything, something, the rain

cant helpthinkg syntax wise u should reverse these two words.

Here r somepet peeves cos I know u can and have delivered.

the repetiton of face got me and as i say let u down..canvass maybe...etc

Face upturned, catching the first cool drop
It slides down a face mixing with tears

mixing with tears...this seems weak in comparosn to ur other vocab. merging or diluting as in the regrets of yesterday.

Just somethoughts on a crappy poem.

NOT!!!

Nice motion with this and internal literal movment too compllimenting all that. Gradual and as u say cleansing, which is very vivid.

[Venomous Vixen]

Haha Thanks for that Lu!

As for the advice, very on point, I have revised it! Seems to read much better now.

Now if there were only some rain outside to go dance in!

[Lubesh]

The rain and the body becoming one
Sliding in unison, playfully feeling one another
Primitive dance of two lovers, their secret
Neither again will ever be the same

That's much more your norm.....now i can be pushy and say what i didn't want to.

Because of the content and your talent, i also found your end as i noticed how short and stinted it was in length and words was weak in that regard, not the idea. I thought mmm is she in a hurry?

[Venomous Vixen]

I will have to sleep on that one, maybe add in another stanza or two in the morning. I see what you are saying and yes, the ending is rather abrupt. Thanks again Lu! Haha and I appreciate the honesty! Nothing else pushes me to better things

[Lubesh]

Good good, lol g'night.

[Venomous Vixen]

Originally Posted by Lubesh

Good good, lol g'night.

Eh, not as hasty now! LOL

[Lubesh]

Much better much more 'meat' and for a crappy poem...its Ace!.lol (visitors ignore the remark lol)

[Venus]

WoW. I'm going to have to watch out for you...cant have you taking all my picks in the newsletter...lol

Great poem hun.

Your imagery was wonderful, your meaning came across beautifully, and your grammar was superb.

[Venomous Vixen]

Thank you sweetie! You don't know how pleased I am to hear that after almost giving up on this one last night!!

[Eadha Deora]

.... I don't know why more ppl aren't gushing about this poem .. but this is one of my favorites of yours, Bri. It is so raw, so full of life, energy, desperation, hope, folly and desire all rolled into one. It is like a glimpse into a deep soul, and the things I see there astound me, comfort me and fill me with thoughts .. all provoked by your words. It is well balanced ... starting out with a good grammar .. then the way you spin around in the middle, the words tumbling faster and faster, the grammar more fragmented--yet still all one piece--like rain falling down or like the dance you are talking about. Until at the end you go back to good grammar again, only the syntax is stronger, the words more full and weighty, yet as a whole uplifting.

This poem was like a journey. It was soulful .. and I give you a reputation for that poem. It is the talent I always have believed you possess coming out in brilliance.

Way to go, dear! xxxxxx

[Venomous Vixen]

Wow Jenn, that means so much from you thank you! Yes, it is a journey... a journey of freeing the soul from all of the things that bind it and break it. Actually I wrote this after one of our conversations Like I have told you before, you help me dig deep and see things I need to and then shake them off. I am so glad you like this so much XO

[Eadha Deora]

hehe I am tickled pink with joy! I feel like running around going "wee!!!" hahahahaha

[psycosis]

When I read this iy conjured up memories of old.....That is when you know your writing is on point....it's when whoever reads it can put themselves in the picture and see it as a story of themselves......very nice

[Venomous Vixen]

It is really good to hear that this one had some impact for you, as it was intended to. Thank you again

[Vorcla]

Whoa. Nice job. This hits close to home. When you lose a loved one, it changes your perspective about "vowing to never let go of another second." I can really identify with that now.

Sweet work, Bri!