[gonzoadrenaline]

Faith
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my soul the lord will keep.
Away from harm, away from fear,
When I wake will you be near?
Will my faith keep me protected,
Or will the lies go unaffected?
I lay here and ponder,
Why my mind wants to wander.
If I believe in Him, won't I be safe?
Or is it all merely fake?
Will I see the better 'morrow?
Or is this just leading towards sorrow?
My faith, my fate, my heart.
Shouldn't I believe in something apart?
Apart from you, apart from me,
Yet something deep inside all you see.
The maker of joy, the maker of sadness,
Could He really want all this madness?
We can choose not to believe,
Risk loosing our reprieve.
God is in our hearts,
God is in our minds,
God is not what we think,
Merely something to keep us from the brink.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Now I'm not a faithless man. I believe in things that most people don't but this came to me in a very peculiar way.

I just wanted to write a peom, so I did.

Thank you.

Taylor Dante

[loosygoosy007]

Just a minor error: "Shouldn't't I believe in something apart?" "Shouldn't't" should be "shouldn't". A lot of this was really nice, but I particulary did not like "sadness" and "badness" rhyming together. Also, the last line left me a bit confused and it didn't make sense to me. Most of this was excellent, though. A great portrayal of our faith and how it affects us.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you. I can't rhyme at all. It took me so long to get what I did. I never have liked rhyming poems anyway. How much of the last part didn't you like. Please use the quote feature to more clearly critique. Thank you for your impute.

[Vail]

I am not a believer in God... and this poem really sums all that up. You brought up many excellent points of thought throughout. The flow was well constructed, the rhyming didn't seem forced, which is becoming exceedingly rare. Your last four lines really brought the poem together. The way they all tied together was excellent. I'm not a fan of "spiritual" poems.. was glad I stumbled on to this, well done. Thanks for sharing.

Really no negative feedback on this poem, I think that's somewhat disappointing to me, but merely another congratulations to you. Bravo.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you so much. It's wierd you said the rhyming wasn't forced, because it totally was. It took me a while to find the right words fro it.
Thank you, it's means much to me that you are of the same mind and I too am glad that you found it.

Gonzo Adrenaline

[loosygoosy007]

What I meant by the last line, I meant the "on the brink." That was the part that was a little confusing to me.

[gonzoadrenaline]

What I meant by the last line, I meant the "on the brink." That was the part that was a little confusing to me.

I left it up to you to interperet the last two lines. To me it means that god is an idea to keep people from loosing control, something someone came up with to let people have something to live for.

[loosygoosy007]

Oh, gotcha then. I'd keep that line.

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you!

[LullabyHearts]

Hmmm very beautiful, starting off one way then making it all your own

[gonzoadrenaline]

Thank you so much lullaby

[Venomous Vixen]

I love the ending, the reason people believe in God. Truly hit the nail on the head for me on that one.

The shape of the poem is beautiful, and it flows nicely, provoking a lot of thought about religion and beliefs. Nicely done!

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by briness9

I love the ending, the reason people believe in God. Truly hit the nail on the head for me on that one.

The shape of the poem is beautiful, and it flows nicely, provoking a lot of thought about religion and beliefs. Nicely done!

Thank you sooo much Bri. I love that you all get it so well. You explain the entire poem for it, it's great.

[Syrah]

This is a very well written poem. However, I think it would ssouuund... a little more pleasing to the ear is these two lines are slightly changed....

Will I see the better tomorrow?
Or is all this just leading to sorrow?

to something like.....

Will I see the better 'morrow?
Or is this just leading towards sorrow?

Like I said. Excellent work and the most I can suggest is that although I assume it was unconsciously done, you have similar vowel sounds in your lines. The two lines I singled out broke out of that similarity, making them a little rougher than the rest of the poem--- not necessarily an addition to emphasis -- perhaps a slight bit ditracting. But this is all I can do with it-- nit pic. Love it love you

[gonzoadrenaline]

Originally Posted by Syrah

Like I said. Excellent work and the most I can suggest is that although I assume it was unconsciously done, you have similar vowel sounds in your lines. The two lines I singled out broke out of that similarity, making them a little rougher than the rest of the poem--- not necessarily an addition to emphasis -- perhaps a slight bit ditracting. But this is all I can do with it-- nit pic. Love it love you

Thank you, this one just came out like word vomit. So I was surprised it rhymed let alone nearly had a rhythm. Thank you sweety for the suggestion, I'm copy/pasting it right now. lol haha

[squattaz]

well the most striking thing about this poem, in my opinion, is that the piece almost outlines the shape of a tree and a flourish, well rooted one at that, which is very fitting for the poem. I am not sure if that was intentional.

[Jackson]

If I am to be honest, there was much that I did not really enjoy about this piece. Allow me to elaborate:

- To use 'merely fake' in regards to asking yourself if God is real didn't seem to fit to me. I think this is because if God didn't ( or doesn't) exist, then there is nothing mere about that.

- I also did not like the use of badness. It made it seem that you were trying too hard to rhyme.

- The poem didn't really flow well. Looking at these two lines: "Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my soul the lord will keep." and these two lines: "I lay here and ponder,
Why my mind wants to wander." They have two completely different rhythms. Not to say that every poem needs to have everything lined up perfectly in regards to rhythm, rather that it just did not work for this piece.

I did enjoy the premise behind the poem, though. As I have said before, questioning is always good. To me, this poem is down on its knees screaming for answers. That's powerful.